ICLW- International Comment Leaving Week

The list is up to get signed up for Junes ICLW over at The Stirrup Queens. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week…but also “I Come Leave We”, meaning….well, hopefully you can figure that out. THIS post explains it.

I love ICLW, and even on months I don’t sign up I will go down the list and find new blog to add to my google reader. I figured I am going to commit to doing one more before the baby gets here. I haven’t done one in a while, so lets get this party stared!!

Go over and add yourself! Great way to find new friends and an awesome support system!!!

IComLeavWe: Join the Conversation

New Guy Blogger

I have recently connected on Twitter with the male half of couple trying hard to start their family. His story is touching, and he is needing to reach out and connect with others.

I won’t tell you all the of the story- b/c you need to go check out his blog, but lets just say they need some cheerleaders.

He has just started his IF blog, and I would love it if you all went over and gave him a big old ALI community HOWDY!

The IVF Rooster is also on the Twitters too! Maybe we can get Mrs. Rooster online too??!? Hope so.

ALSO- those TTC/Looking to deliver in 2012 and are on Twitter…check out TTCteam2012. Awesome cheerleader!!!!

Ooey Gooey Love

I am so very blessed to have so many awesome friends. I may not have that many in the town I live in- but thankfully the few I have are AWESOME.

What has been my sanity and saving grace for the last 2 years (have I really been blogging that long??!?)  has been all my bloggy friends. I have had a chance to meet one in person- Blossom and Her Fruit. She is due any day! She hasn’t blogged in a while, but we have kept in touch a little here and there.  I met her when I went to Chicago  in 2009. It was such a blessing- and I am so happy for her and the soon to be birth of her twins!!

I have met so many great people on this blogosphere. I have a friend IRL that refereed once to people met online as “fake friends”. She wasn’t talking about me, but rather someone else in her life. I didn’t say anything, b/c nothing I can say will make her understand the support system and love that you all give me. To each other….all to “strangers”. Are we really? We turn to these blogs to talk about our most personal feelings- about things we can’t talk to our “real” friends about.

I must admit- I am BLESSED to have several IRL friends I can share pretty much EVERYTHING with. Even uber fertile ones that acknowledge the pain and emptiness I felt with each BFP announcement… BUT. You are that ones that “GET IT”. As much as my IRL friends love me beyond measure…they don’t ‘GET IT’.  Not as a knock to them- I wouldn’t want them to have to understand.

I am just so thankful for you all.  After a while in the blog world, I ventured over to twitter. I had a personal account, but I found that more and more people that I had exchanged emails in the ALI (Adoption/Loss/Infertility) online community were adding me. I then started seeing all the support and love happening….I wanted MORE! I changed my twitter over to match my blog and blocked all IRL people except the ones I trusted …and became an IF tweeter.

The support has blown me away. If you feel like comments on your blogs are hugs- then the flurry of replies to your news (bad/good/etc) will feel like a down right orgy. The support is amazing.

It is funny b/c I will tell people that don’t know about my IF mostly twitter about something I read on twitter. A news story, something funny, etc, and I am met with “You do twitter?”  Sometimes I am worried I will get an “oh- I do too, what is your handle” (or whatever it is called). There are some people I just don’t want to follow me on there.

I have bounced around the idea of a ‘fake’ twitter. A decoy…one that any IRL peeps that are not in my IF circle could stumble across. Sigh…just seems like too much work.

I am SOOOOOOO off course here.

What I am getting around to is that yesterday I had a box on my front porch. I was expecting a box from an IRL friend in TX, so I wasn’t too surprised. Then I saw that it was from another state. Odd.

I opened it and saw wrapped packages. THAT I knew was wrong. I started grinning b/c I knew it was from one of my IF friends. One of my “fake” friends (can I BOLD the quote marks please?).

Beautiful Card!

Opened the beautiful card to find wonderfully sweet words of congratulations.

Foxy Popcorn is one thoughtful, sweet, and compassionate “fake” friend. I am blessed to have her in my life and in my corner.

Opened the box and what do I see?

I opened them and teared up. It was so sweet, and the first homemade thing I have got for the baby. It is even more special b/c she made it, and she is in the trenches with me. To think that she took the time to pick out the fabric, measure, sew, etc- all for my baby- just humbles me.

Back side of blanket is sooooo soft! LOVE IT!

.

I know there will be more home made gifts- my best friend is DYING to make stuff, and another is going to monogram stuff after the baby comes.

THIS is special. It was the first for the first

HELP FOR A FRIEND!!

Sarah and Chris are having an auction of some awesome stuff- GO CHECK IT OUT NOW!!!

(this is their IRL blog, so try not to reference the ALI community or out her IF blog persona…she wants to keep her IF blog private from certain people- as many of us can understand)

This is to help raise the rest of the money due for their adoption. Their baby is due the April 15…so this is UBER important!!!

Auction ends March 14th at 5pm…so go there now!

WHY H AVE YOU NOT GONE YET?!?!?!?

The Fear

I think infertility can  not be summed up with one word…but one word can describe what people feel  when struggling on their journey to build their family..before, during, and after.

Fear.

We all pretty much started out happy as clams, popping birth control pills and donning condoms because we feared we would be a statistic. A teenage pregnancy, an unwed mother, or a baby daddy. The Fear caused us to wait with bated breath every month until our period would start. How many times did you or a friend have a pregnancy scare? I am willing to bet everyone.

Then some of us got married, some stayed single by choice- but we weren’t ready for a baby. There wasn’t enough money, didn’t have a good job, wanted to party, wanted SOMETHING other than what we had right then. We feared for our loss of self. We feared for lack of being  to provide a ‘good’ life (I put that in quotes b/c it seems at a young age we seem to think money is required to be a good parent….it isn’t). The Fear.

Then we evolve to the conscious effort to conceive. For those that married- we enter the Happy Clam phase where we think it will be easy peasy breasy. Give me a wine cooler or a bottle of Boone’s Farm and I will be knocked up before the streetlights come on…just like all those kids from highschool did. The Fear is still there…niggling. What if we AREN’T ready? What if we never get to Hawaii now?

And we wait….and wait….The Fear whispers. The velvet tendrils sneak into your brain. You have friends tell you to relax, you have family members talk about how they did this and that, your doctors poo poo you. The Fear has taken hold but good now. The seductive tune it sings is not wanted, but you can’t turn away.

Finally you stand up to the fear. You seek answers, explanations. Why is this not working? Why does this hurt? Why am I so alone? We try to arm ourselves with the battle of warfare against The Fear: knowledge, answers, support.

The doctors appointments come and go. For every answer there are two more questions. For every success story you hear are two heartbreakers. For ever discovery there is another mystery. For every solution there is one.more.problem.  For every week closer seems like another month delay . All along the way The Fear has a way of reinventing itself, conforming to the situation. It is a slick little fucker.

The tests and surgeries. Medications and therapies. Western medicine, Eastern medicine. The months of ‘waiting to see’ how such and such does. The trial and error. The Hope.  All of these things are akin to petri dishes to grow The Fear to epic proportions.

THEN after you have Fear the size of a Macy’s day balloon tethered to you that you can’t escape- the treatments start. IUI, IVF, DE,DS….whatever. It starts.

You fear the medications are not right, you wait with your heart in your throat for the number and US findings. The Fear is right by your side at every appointment whether it is invited or not. For some of us, The Hope can sit on it and deafen sirens song. I think this is related to how many times you have been through it. Each cycle The Hope is beaten down, and The Fear hulks up.

The Fear curls up in our mind during the 2ww. Like a loa loa worm it sits in the eyes- makes you see danger everywhere. That cup of coffee you drank, the day you forgot your vitamin….all harbingers of something horrible. The Fear rings in your ears like tinnitus, making you crazy.

You would think that when you got a BFP The Fear would shrink. The HCG coursing through your blood like chemotherapy. Oh no. It doesn’t. The ugly truth is what few will admit…..or if they do, few talk about. The Fear is fed by HCG. It is fed by progesterone. The velvet tendrils are now icy rivers flowing through your blood, and squeezing your heart.  The Hope is trying, and gains strength with every ultrasound…but those are far and few between.

The Fear has you censoring your words with the women and men that have supported your journey- even though you KNOW you shouldn’t.

The Fear digs deeper if you have no morning sickness…no major cravings. No food aversions. The Fear messes with your head in ways no sociopath could ever fathom. It makes you buy fetal dopplers and press on your tummy every 2 hours even though you KNOW at 10 weeks neither will show anything.

The Fear makes you look away from cribs, bottles, and onesies instead of embracing them.

The Fear keeps your news silent- only a select few know. The Fear has you sneak into maternity shops for bella bands like you are a preacher visiting a whore house crack den. You avoid people and parties. You flat-out lie.

What makes The Fear go away? A sweet goo-ing poo-ing baby snuggled in your arms?

BWWWWAAA HA HA HA HA HA.

That my friends, in only the beginning.

That is the crux of the situation. It will never go away. The trick is learning to live with it, and to nurture The Hope and Joy.

I am having a hard time doing that lately, but I am trying.

 

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

Support Needed

A blogger needs love. LOTS OF LOVE.

Christina just lost her father, and she recently lost her mom too. I don’t know what else to do, but pray for her and shower her with love.

S…..

S is for Support.

Today I was supposed to have the support group. There was no one there again.

I have gone to the local RE (who was chilly b/c I am not getting treatment there, and was still trying to get me too)

I have talked to the ob/gyn groups, but they won’t ever pinpoint a day for me to come in. I left flyers at the pharmacy builletin boards.

I GIVE UP. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should keep trying- but I don’t feel it anymore.

NaBloPoMo

Here I am attempting to commit to NaBloPoMo. I figured it would do me good, and get me talking/thinking during this cycle. I am also signed up for Suzy’s 30 in 30…..check it out!

Who am? A wife, a friend, avid Steelers fan….lovable Cubbies fan (I know- polar opposites). I am a nurse, I am unemployed. I am infertile.

My husband has SCO (Sertoli Cell Only). So here we are. Donor sperm. Unconventional- yes. Are we at peace with it? Yes.

Do I give a shit what other people think? I’d like to say no, but the truth is yes. That is why this blog is as private as I can. I make mistakes, and log in under my pseudonym and make comments on my IRL friends blogs…but thankfully they are all level-headed people who respect me.

One of my best friends I will NOT dub Fertile Mrytle (b/c she said she was scared she would see her discription on my “Who are they” tab with that Moniker”. So, I will NOT call her FM. Tee hee.

I apparently posted on her blog from here. That is okay. BUT. Apparently  have done this several times with OTHER people. THANK GOD I follow very very few IRL blogs. If I have done this, and you have figured out who the heck I am…Please keep your lips zipped. I should be ashamed of my IF, but this is more out of respect for my husband and his profession.

Also. I will promise not to do anymore ram-ambienling. LOL!

Anyhoo. We are going into this blog posting month with November 1st…which is also my Cycle day #1. We just just a failed dIUI. It is all good. We came down to NOLA (New Orleans) to cheer our lovely Steelers on (um, so I have been seriously twittering b/c I almost put a hashtag in front of Steelers- LOL).

Anyhoo- we are here in NOLA and having a blast. My period started last yesterday and so with full flow today. They count today as day one…and here we go again. It wasn’t a big surprise as I know my body pretty well. All my girls with endo will stand up and fist pump for that one huh? It is very very distinctive. We just know..

I have spent this weekend WAITING for my period to start b/c I wanted to make sure I wasn’t pickeling an embryo! LOL.  I have had a few too many…wait. I just had a BFN. There is no such thing as “Too Many” LOL!

Well, I am off to spend some more time with the hubs.

More tomorrow.

Firsts

I came upon this blog post through Foxy Popcorn (love ya girlie!), Giving Thanks talks how we live in our cyber world…and well- pop over there and read it. I will be here when you get back.

So, I encourage you to do the same.  Most all of us that have a blog didn’t start out blogging by going to wordpress/blogger/typepad and our first post being the first one we read about IF.

We did a Google search for what IVF entails, or perhaps a diagnosis that we didn’t understand. We Googled (um, or Bing-ed) early pregnancy symptoms b/c we were in the dreaded 2ww. We  saw a search result that looked interesting and we clicked.

Most all of us remember our firsts. Our first kiss, our first solo drive in the car, our first whoopie, our first negative hpt, our first thought that TTC was not going “normal”.

Most of us might not remember our very first IF blog we read, but we all remember the first blogs we chose to follow. The first stories that touched our hearts. We cried, laughed, smiled, groaned with frustration with our first blogger friends.

I will share my firsts later. I want to reach out to them first (um, so yeah- in Bumpy Journey- Land…that means later this week. HA HA HA).

Thank you ladies for all you do for me, and being here (there) for me. I just don’t’ think I could do this without you.

Support Needed!

First off- head over to Determined Dory and wish her luck. They did a TESE and ER yesterday (obviously one on her husband and one on her..hee hee). I won’t tell the story here…you must go HERE and read it- and you must comment if you go there.    Lets just say, I am tearing up over it just retyping it. Pray hard for them please!!!

There are a lot of people going through a lot right now so much. Nic needs a lot of support and love right now. Her damn Aunt showed up today…they one we all despise and curse. I am in tears for her too. The King and I were going to cycle at the same time, before the trip to England was planned. So, it is so hurtful too see her BFN. I so want to see her while I am in the UK and give her a baby present from the USA.

Foxy Popcorn (doesn’t that name RAWK?) has had a crappy week. Please head over and tell her you are thinking of her (or whatever comes to your mind- just please comment, and lets flood her with love). Once again I won’t go into too much detail b/c I want you read it in her words.  If you haven’t read her blog yet- she is great writer, and a great addition to any Google Reader.

Um, that kind of sounded like an advertisement. LOL!

There are bunch of heartaches going around in the IF circuit, and I am praying hard for everyone.  I don’t know if anyone else has been having issues posting comments on Blogger, but I have been. I have had to resort to the option where you enter your name and url. If there is only the option to do the specific log in (Typepad/openId/wordpress etc.) I get an error message and I can’t leave a comment. I have also had issues commenting on Conceive.com. There is a good article on Cheating on your RE (HA HA- YUP!), but it says my IP address is blocked.?!?!?! Not a clue. I have commented recently, with no issues. Weird huh?

I have a some more stuffs mulling around…but shall be PWP posts. If you need it, please email me- or leave a comment on this post. I request an email and website to verify. I don’t want trolls, gnomes, zombies, or certain IRL peeps having my PWP posts. If you already have it and you are IRL- you are privileged!!

Loves to all!

Why Can’t I Come Up With Good Titles?

um, I wrote a long azz post about the two baby showers I did last weekend, and I have no clue where it is. Not in drafts- not on my IRL blog (THANK THE GOOD LORD), it has vanished!

UGH! I am so disgusted I can’t even think straight. I wrote forev-ah on that fricker. I promise I will come back and do it again. I would hate to make you all keep hitting refresh to see if I have posted. LOL!      as if.

Today was a pretty good day…well if you like hot, muggy, rainy, migraine inducing thunderstomy, premenstrual, supposed to be having friends over but they can’t, husband worked until 6pm anyways kind of days

Obviously my Memorial Day was spent alone. I supposed that is fitting since the reason for it isn’t for BBQs and beer with friends- it is for the troops that have kept us safe and guarantee our right to have BBQs and beer. I said prayers for all my friends on Crapbook that have family in the service, or that have lost someone. I prayed for my cousin who lost her son in Afghanistan (um, I guess that would be my cousin too!)

I  took a nap and dreamed of my Grandfather today. We were not very close- I lived on the other side of the country until I was 13. My father and him were at odds, and his new wife didn’t really care for us (stop me if you have heard this before!) My Grandfather had a special place in his heart for me b/c I look (as I have been told) just like my Granny. Spitting image. I walk like her, talk like her, laugh like her. I think for my Grandfather this was a blessing and a curse. He loved her so very much, but she suffered from early onset dementia around 65- which is so very young. When he was pretty sick and in the hospital about three years before he died- he was confused for a little while. I walked in and he started crying and reaching out for me. He started calling me by my Granny’s name and touching my face. It was heartbreaking b/c he thought I was her. He passed peacefully. He lived at home until the end- he got sick, went to the hospital- and got a lot better.He just needed more skilled care than my step grandmother could give so then was discharged to a nursing home. He died a few hours after he got to the nursing home- he told us the night before he would NOT live in a nursing home after he saw what my Granny went through. I was in college at the time 1.5 hours away. I couldn’t help. If it was now, I would bring him to my house and care for him. He was proud I was going to be a nurse. He told me he wanted me to have 20 letters behind my name.

Anyways…there is a point to this story. I woke up crying. I don’t know if I have ever cried in my sleep. Talked, yelled, walking, initiated sex…..but never cried.  I started thinking how my husband is going to be cheated. How I am going to be cheated. I won’t see my husband in my grandchild. This darn stertoli cell only diagnosis is robbing us of  this. I am so sorrowful for us and the loss of it. Of our creating a life from the two of us. We WILL create our child with love- he/she will be ours. We WILL love them. We are looking forward to meeting them. I just hate that we will never know what a child created from the two of us would be like. It is so fucking unfair.  There is not even a glimmer of “maybe” or “it only takes one” for us.

There is none.

It feels like I take three steps forward and two steps back. For TWO YEARS. I want to know where I can buy my pole vault and just be done with the stepping.

Sigh.

Okay- enough self-pity. That party of one is getting stale.

On to funny…..

The Kingman: “Holy Shit is June tomorrow. 2010 is half gone!! Our lives are flashing before our eyes. We are going to die soon!! Our children are going to die soon!!”

Me: “Um, the children have to be born first before they die. Ya know? “

The Kingman: “That’s how keep them from dying- never give birth to them!!! Great idea”

Me: “Um, yeah….okay..so, ‘lets not have kids b/c we  want to keep them from dying.’?  Suckiest idea ever uttered”

Kingman: “I’m only kidding”

YA THINK!!?!?!?!?!?!?  LOL! It sounds a lot more gruesome now that I type it out, but it really was a funny exchange.

Next…..I did some cooking today. Not Memorial Cooking. Well, I did throw a hotdog and corn on the cob on the grill- but that isn’t what I am talking about.

I am going to tell the story in pictures.

The Start of Something Beautiful...maybe.

vegetable Stock recipe base of all the soups.

The Soup Cooking…mmmm….

End Result. vegetable Stock.

I know what you are thinking…it looks like pee. Yup. I know. It does. It ALSO doesn’t yield as much as it says it does. I doubled the recipe b/c I am freezing it- and it only made 7 freaking cups.  Seriously- some of those soups call for 5 cups or 6 cups of the Veggie broth. GRRRRRRRR. I underestimated how much I would get.   The reason they are in bags like that is b/c I am freezing them, then taking the bag/plastic off so that they maintain their shape- then using my Food Saver to vacuum pack them. Because, well- the obvious. You can’t stick a liquid in a bag and then try to suck all the air out. LOL! THANK GOD I had the sense not to try that. Plus the manual says not to.

My plan was to make a shitload of broth to use over the next few months. Try 1 new soup every week. Ugh. Although- I must say, the broth was super easy to make until the straining part. I only had a tiny hand strainer. That SUCKED ASS. Took me about 1/2 hours to do it all. LOL!

Anyways= I suppose I need to go to bed.  I have to give a special shout out to Foxy Popcorn. I think she has spent her Memorial Day reading my entire blog- by the looks of all the comments she has made on year old posts.  THANK YOU! It is touching to see that she has taken the time to read my journey. With some of the comments I have to go back and read the post to refresh my memory- and I realize how far I have come…yet how much is the same.  I see how I am grown, become stronger, and know myself better. I also see how bitter I am getting.

I think we all could use a little flashback into our own lives- I challenge you guys to look at your post list from a year ago, two years ago….or more if you have been blogging a long time. How have you changed? If you could go back and talk to yourself then with your experience now- what would you say to yourself?

Two years ago I wasn’t blogging- but I know what I was doing. I was about to head to Jamaica for our 1 year anniversary/delayed Honeymoon. I was off the pill for 6 months or so. I thought I was surely going to defy all odds and get pregnant. With anejactulation. WTF? I would tell myself to enjoy my vacation. Don’t POAS while you are there.

I would say- demand your OB/GYN listen to you. Go ahead and START BLOGGING!!! It will heal you, and protect you in ways you can’t imagine.

Thank you girls (and boys!) for all your support and love.

Secret Ode Days

As usual The Stirrup Queen is doing a little project over on her blog- I honestly don’t know how she finds time. She is so freaking AH-MAZING!

In case you missed it (ha ha), it is called Secret Ode Days- check it out.  (I will be here when you get back)

Okay, so understand? If your pointer finger is broken or you don’t know to click on the words to take you to the post I am talking about (ha ha)….here is a little gist of it.

Back in the day a family would  decorate a tree lollipops. They never knew when it would happen, and when it did the neighborhood children would all come together and harvest them. It was a SWEET day and it brought the community together.

Mel is using that and mixing it with anonymous Odes. Odes to bloggers you feel touch you, and you want to give an anonymous ‘shout out’.  Then every so often (randomly) she will post the Odes. So when you see a blog post at the Queen’s Castle you will go over there and check the blurbs (Odes) out and see if you are on them. Also a good way to check out new blogs.

I believe in things like this!!! So many times we feel shy in expressing how much people mean to us in person (or in a comment for bloggers). She wants us all to tell each other also.

So here is my little self indulgent post. I really could use some comments on Saturday and Sunday because I have TWO freakin’ baby showers this weekend. One on each day. That I am hosting. They are for my best friends, but my husband’s MESE/TESE is still raw in my heart. I also go to the ONE doctor in the USA that doesn’t prescribe antianxitey med. WTF?!?!?!?!

Loves to you all, and I will be doing the same for all my lovelies- um, later next week when I am not driving all over creation. (AAAAHHHHH)