Self Awareness SUCKS!!!


Today was my first day of Fitness Boot Camp. OMG.

I am so out of shape it isn’t even funny. I have been in such denial. I had a great 4 or 5 months the end of last year…but it has been to long since I have been in the gym or really doing a regular workout. My body has regressed-even farther than I was when I started working out before.

I am the LARGEST I have ever been. I am almost HALF BODY FAT. As we were getting weighed, I realized that my thigh is bigger than a few of the girls that were doing the camp. (although they were teenagers doing the camp b/c their track coaches told them too…but STILL!)

We did assessments today. That consisted first of a warm-up. A ‘slow jog around the track’. Um, first of all, let me tell you this in a park…in the HOT AS HELL FLORIDA weather. Granted- it was 7am…but it was fuckin‘ hot. I was sweatin‘ before we started.

The track is about the size of regular track..but is in a park. on hills. I had to start walking about 3/4 of the way. ugh. I look back to about 6 months ago when I was jogging a mile and then working out for 30-40 minutes. WTF happened to me?

We then did real sit ups I did 20. yeah- 20 in 90 seconds. Are you kidding me? Whose body is this? When i was training I was doing intervals and getting 25-30 in the 90 seconds.
At least I got in the double digits with the push ups. Barely. 10. 10 traditional push ups in 90 seconds.

Mortified is what I was. Horrified. Chagrinned that I can’t continue living how I am. Scared about my health. Crushed when I realized I can’t do IVF anytime soon. My body is to out of shape. I have to be in good health to do this. There is to much riding on it…not just money- but more importantly OUR CHILDREN!!! I don’t want to miscarry, or deliver early b/c my blood pressure spikes….I don’t want to have anything over my head that I could later think I could have prevented.

I had to run a mile. This was the wake up. It took me 14.08 minutes to do that. It was embarrassing. They timed us- we all started together, and you ended in the same spot. I was 3rd to the last..I don’t revel in the fact that there were two sweet girls behind me. I feel their shame. I rounded the last corner to run the last 2 blocks- I had to chant to myself “IVF, 15000 dollars, babies, babies, IVF, 15000 dollars, babies, IVF, easier labor….you get the point”. I was almost crying by the time I finished b/c that was when all the feelings I talked about earlier came flooding in. Perhaps it was a catharsis. I don’t know

All I know is that my heart is hurting.

So are my damn calves. LOL!!!

90% of the 20 or so people (okay, someone smart do the damn math- my brain is pooped) in the class were returning campers. The last camp was 10 days ago. They did awesome-I felt like the donkey that showed up on accident to the champion horse show. I am going to stick with this- I have to…I got it for 100 bucks at a silent auction…it normally is 350 for 1st time campers. 🙂

The BIGGEST hurdle will be my diet. My husband is my biggest road block. He literally pulled the bag of chips I threw away last night OUT OF THE GD TRASH!!! I can’t have that stuff in the house. I will eat it.
They gave us a great manual, so that will help. I have also got BACK into entering my stuff online. That hopefully will help. I am also going to Map My Run. That is a pretty cool website.

I need to do another post about this weekend. 🙂 Had friends down, and it was great.

Today is Kingman’s b’day!! YEAH! We did the b’day cake Friday with a surprise b’day party…so I can avoid that today. Thank goodness..

MUAH!

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7 responses to “Self Awareness SUCKS!!!

  1. Oh man. Do I ever need a fitness boot camp. It awesome that you are doing this! Keep it up and don't let your husband sabotage you!

  2. Good for you gettin' in shape!!! I wish I had a group I could join!! I've been running on my own and I know what you mean…its like…when did I get so weak??!! In college I was running three miles five times a week…and thirty pounds lighter…ugh…

    Keep up the good work!!

    P.S. Chips from trash are nasty. Tell your DH I said so. *wink*

  3. good for you for committing to getting into shape – you won't regret it, and it does get easier…with practice.

  4. I love your running chant! I absolutely hate running and constantly in my mind was, "oh god I hate this, oh this sucks, oh I'm tired…" LOL
    Boot camp kinda sounds like fun though – of course I'm the weirdo who actually liked Army basic training :).

  5. Good for you, tackling Boot Camp! You rock! You're taking all the right steps – literally! Good job!

  6. Its great that you are doing all the right things to get your body in shape, go you! I too am trying to get my body in shape for when I am able to start TTC again. It really helps to motivate you. Keep up the hard work

  7. good for you! i just got back into a routine as well, and man is it hard to start again. i must remember how hard it is to go back to exercise after leaving it so i remember not to stop this time!

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