It Smacks Ya Out of the BLUE

I am pretty okay with my infertility. Even before I met my husband I knew I would have trouble. I was told when I was around 24 that I needed to have a kid by 30 or I would have issues getting (endo) PG and staying PG (bad cervix)…I got married at 30… a bit older..and STILL WORKING ON IT.

I have known since about 24 it would be struggle. I didn’t know I would marry some one with his own issues. I feel like I was made for him. I am okay with his medical problems. God prepped me for our struggles almost a decade ago.

I don’t cry when my friends have babies…and then have a second baby. I do okay at baby showers. I can by bibs, booties and toys.

I do okay with all the Facebook pictures and mobile uploads.

until- out of the blue I read an update…to paraphrase…

“My baby just said MaMa for the first time. What the most wonderful thing for a woman to experience- even better than the day I found out I was PG (and I didn’t even see that one coming”

for some reason this has set me off this morning. I need to be getting ready for work, and I can’t. I can’t stop crying. I am all fair and blue eyed- so I know people will see it at work. I have cried off three make touch-ups. I had to get on here and GET THIS OUT.

I am happy for my friend, but my heart is so empty right now. It literally hurts. I wish I didn’t have to “see” my pregnancy coming. I wish I didn’t have to worry about tests, and days, dates, and money. I wish I could have a surprise in my pregnancy. The only surprise will be IF I get pregnant….and if I STAY pregnant. That is just so fucking unfair.

My surprise will come in form of how much more than expected will I have to pay. How many dildo cams must I endure. How many eggs retrieved, will I develop OHSS, will they find any sperm in my husband’s T’s. Will those sperms fertilize my eggs. Will we get any embryos? Will the divide? Will they implant? Will I miscarry?

The one GOOD surprise I am looking forward to is finding out at birth what sex our baby will be. That is it. That is all I have- everything else is just holding your breath to hope the worst doesn’t happen.


What really sucks is that Loreal 16hour Infallible foundation IS NOT!!! UGH.

I just seriously hope no patient bitches b/c they have been waiting for 15 minutes to see the doctor. I may just open a bitter can of bitch about a REAL WAIT!!

I would call in, but I am working for someone that has the flu. Flu A. Probably the swine flu, but we don’t test for it anymore since most Flu As are swine flu

Wash your hands people. It is making a resurgence. We had about 20 Influenza A cases this weekend.

Vent over. Now proceed to your regularly scheduled program. 🙂


18 responses to “It Smacks Ya Out of the BLUE

  1. I'm sorry your morning didn't start out too well. I hope you're feeling better. Hang in there.

  2. (((big hugs)) sorry you are having a rotten day.

  3. Wow, that is why I quit I couldn't handle that kind of thing. The day-to-day joys of motherhood…
    Hope your day improves!

  4. I'm so sorry that you are in a place of emotional suckdom. Hoping that tomorrow is better.

    Never found an infallible makeup for me. I cry off everything.

  5. Hello! I'm stopping by for ICLW. =)

    I relate to pretty much everything you've covered in this post. It *is* so unfair. "Unfair" doesn't even do the situation justice. Like you, I hold it together pretty well most of the time….but other times my IF hits me like a ton of bricks, and then *I'm* the fair, blue-eyed girl trying to desperately to hide her pain from the masses.

    We're also in somewhat of a similar boat, as soon-to-be DH and I have not yet started our first IVF. So I look forward to following your story and rooting you on.

    Also, this is totally random, but email me about UTIs! Like you, I used to be a constant sufferer, but I've seriously found a miracle cure (and it doesn't involve antibiotics). =)

  6. Oh Lorza, I'm so sorry you're having such a rotten day. IF is hell, fertile people are stupid, and all make-up should be tear-proof! XOXOXO

  7. A Few Good Sperm

    I'm sorry. I have to say, I am always amazed with your positive attitude, but you certainly have a right to have your down moments. All I can say is we (the IF community) knows how you feel. Feel free to vent all you like!

  8. Well, boy can I relate. I didnt menstruate regularly as a teen and was told "you'll have a hard time getting pg" by my gyn. If only he'd given me more info or hope that it was something to look forward into… And now, there's no "honey, guess what?" There's b/w, and u/s, and IUI, and betas. And then the fear of m/c. And when that is over, IC brings PTL and infant death into the picture. So pg is full of bedrest and dr's visits… and the hope that "this time" it will be different.

    Sometimes it all hits, like you said, out of the blue, and I just burst into tears and mourn for it all.

  9. I know what you mean. Sometimes it just hits you out of the blue and when it does it knocks you out! I am sorry and I hope things get better!

    xxoo ICLW

  10. Beautiful Mess

    Happy ICLW!

    I'm so sorry that you were caught off guard. You;re right, it's unfair! I wish I had the power to make your wish and every other wish come true. It sounds trite, I know, but ti's VERY true. Sending you peace for your heart and LOTS of love.

  11. Oh gosh…I can barely look at facebook…it just tugs at your heart doesn't it???!!
    Trust me…I've had those mornings too…*sigh*…sometimes you just have to get it out and blog it out!
    Hope your day got better from there…
    I agree with you. IF sucks.

  12. I am the same way. I will be fine and then something random totally does me in. Its good to vent. You pretty much have to every now and then to be able to function (or at least I do!) No, its not fair, and yes, it totally sucks. And its okay to feel that way sometimes.

  13. Ouch. I'm sorry you had such a terrible morning. Sometimes you do get blindsided by someone else's innocent comment and it can sideline you for days. I hope you had an okay day and I've been there and know how sucky it is. Hugs.

  14. sorry! I know how that can happen so fast and just hit you so hard like a ton of bricks and just make your heart ache and hurt! Ive been there- ((hugs))

  15. It sure does smack you out of the blue. I'm sorry your morning started out in such a rough way! Hopefully the day gets better.

    Sometimes I'm glad I work in a vet's office – there are very few illness I can contract from our patients!

  16. I am so, so sorry. Facebook updates like that just about do me in, too. Sending (((hugs))) your way.


  17. cheryllookingforward

    I wish facebook had an option to ignore all comments and photos that have babies in them. I've had to hide certain friends because they talk about their babies so much (not that I blame them, though).


  18. It sure does hit like that… you're doing just fine and then all of a sudden WHAM! I hope things get better soon…


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