How to Have a Panic Attack.

First wake up at 615 am to go to Boot Camp. Grumble, bitch, and proceed to wake your husband up with all the commotion of getting dressed.

Hear his muffled laughter

Choke down whole wheat english muffin with organic/natural PB. Slosh down Gatorade down your gullet.

Realize you are having serious cramps…go to the bathroom to, uh, you know- and realize Aunt Flo is what is being such a ‘pain in the ass’ Grumble and bitch more when you realize there is not a tampon in the house. (doctor’s orders, pads only)

Hear more male giggling (FROM HIS DAMN PILLOW!!!)

Go to boot camp. Do the “gimp” exercises b/c your calves are STILL in knots.

Start getting frustrated…um, and worried about that pad…You are sweating A LOT!!!

Finish work out. Drive home.

Get out of car and notice you left a little of Aunt Flo on your LEATHER SEATS!! BITCH just can’t stay put!

Freak out a little. You have on grey capris. Wonder when Aunt Flo started her vacation from the cushy pad??!?!

Go into house to take shower……..this is where the trickiness starts.

Recipe for Panic Attack:

  • One very sweaty, um, HEALTHY girl
  • add a large amount of Aunt Flo- eager to get the ball rolling the minute the pad is gone.
  • peel one sports bra….entirely too small

Start with peeling the sports bra very quickly- don’t worry, it won’t happen ANY time soon. Aunt Flo will then decide that she wants to see if your tile is really clean or not. Your arms will get contorted and pretty much STUCK as you try and get that damn bra off. You don’t want to leave the bathroom to get scissors b/c then Aunt Flo will have to check out the ENTIRE HOUSE..(you have white carpets) are too contorted and fucked up with the bra all crazy stuck on your sweaty, doughy, rolly flesh to get pants on anyways………then you feel it.

Full on panic.

DING!! Done.

Enjoy the Panic.

This is the time that I am SURE Google maps would be driving by my house and I would end up as an Internet icon. 🙂

***I don’t just get panic attacks. Honestly- but confinement is a HUGE trigger. I did okay in an MRI, I can do elevators(pretty much)….it is being physically unable to move that gets me.

I finally got the damn bra off and threw it in the trash.

16 responses to “How to Have a Panic Attack.

  1. Sounds like a recipe for disaster for sure. Sorry you had such a rough day. That damn AF ruins everything!!!!


  2. I have bra like that! I hate it but stops excessive bounce!
    I am sorry that AF showed up, she never does have good time.
    Take care

  3. I'm so sorry. Hoping that tomorrow is better. Hugs!!

  4. One Who Understands

    HAHAHA! Oh the things we do. I suffer from panic attacks too. They drive me nits. Mine is from feeling like I can't get out. Could be in a car, large group, grocery store, anywhere. They drive me nuts. I just don't get why my body reacts the way it does. Like life isn't hard enough, lets throw in complete psychotic break downs every now and then. Thank goodness for good drugs that can help.

  5. Stupid bra and stupid AF! What a bitch.

    Sounds like you're doing good with the boot camp though.

  6. LOL…I'm sorry to laugh at what sounds like a horrible morning…but WOW…

    Can't believe you still went to boot camp with AF just showing up! I would have called in "sick"!!! You go girl!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Oh…and in response to your comment on my blog…which BTW you are too stinkin' funny and always make me laugh…its good for my soul! :o)

    My "approximate" date for my retrieval was the 30th…but I don't know if they're gonna change it because my AF didn't show up when it was supposed to…so I may be a day behind??? I dunno…I need to ask when I go in on Sunday!!

  8. Scrambled Egg

    Don't think I'm laughing at your expense, but I am LAUGHING! And incredibly amazed that you still went to boot camp! You go!

  9. Oh wow – white carpets! good for you – that would never work in my house. We'd ruin them in 5 minutes flat.

  10. Wow, I'm so impressed that you got up and went to boot camp despite AF's unwelcome arrival. That would've been the moment where I would've groaned, bitched, rolled over and continued to sleep.

    Hooray for your strength and perseverance – and good riddance to the damn bra. Sounds like it got what it deserved.

    Your hubby was on *very* thin ice with all the laughing eminating from his pillow! Sounds like he loves living dangerously. 😉

  11. Uh sports bras!! Especially when you are all sweaty and just want to get in the shower! Good for you for working out!

  12. lol, I know it wasn't funny at the time…but it makes for a great story 🙂

  13. it's not funny. at all. but i am laughing anfd it feels so nice. thx for that…

  14. Oh, the dreaded sweaty sports bra wiggle! And I am also very impressed with the early morning boot camp on CD1. You rock!

  15. Kinda made me all nervous just reading it!! Glad you got rid of that bra…too bad you can't dispose of AF like that!

  16. Yes, but who was at the door???? It was probably someone wanting to sell you educational books. Sheesh. I'm so impressed that you are doing a boot camp. I also read your previous post and was jolted (best word i can think of) into your head. I'm so sorry the world unintentionally lays land mines for you that you don't expect. I suddenly understood how that facebook update bombed you. Thank you for making me see this. My perspective just grew because of it.

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