Epiphany


If you are here from ICLW– click HERE for my welcome post to get to know me. Come back to this..or end up there….whatever puffs your skirt is fine with me. šŸ™‚

Holy crud. I am a dork. I am about to post a comment I made on Maybe Baby’s blog(pls read it to know why I made this comment…and comment on it yourself on her blog)….I just wanted to share. If you are one of my pregnant friends…don’t dispair….read my addendum at the end.

Just another reason why IF suckeths. I am sorry for you loss. {{HUGS}} I think that this is a normal feeling- and if I was the person you followed, I would understand. There is a fine fault line between you and the IF blogger friend that has jumped to the other side. It just is. You can be happy for them, but that ā€œsomethingā€ is always there. Whether it is jealously, regret, pain from a loss, apathy, anger, etcā€¦it exists simply because our fertility dynamics are different from the ā€˜general populationā€™ of non-IFers. It just is.
I embrace it. recognize it. accept it.
I still love. I still try and hope for the bestā€¦but deep down know it can be snatched away- for all of us it has been from the beginning. Phew. Sorry for the length of this
.”
Thus said Lorza on Maybe Baby’s Kate the Cynic post.

Okay- all my pregger blogger buddies. Don’t freak out b/c you think I am angry at YOU. I am absolutely am NOT! I think the “something” that I feel is frustration. Frustration that our process is taking so long- frustration that our insurance doesn’t cover it. I some of this stems from the fact that I haven’t done one cycle yet in the almost ONE YEAR since we have started the IVF process….this year doesn’t even count the time since we chucked the BCPs and Condoms(bwwwaaaa ha ha ha…WTF?! Why did we use those?)

SweetPea– I am over the moon for you. You have been through so much in your journey. I would NEVER change that for all the babies in the world…..that would be a lot of diapers. LOL! You know what I mean.

Chelle– You rock. Your precious girls are in my thoughts many times a day. I am inspired by your strength and endurance.

NoSwimmers– What can I say. You rock. You are hilarious. Your girls are watching over Sherbie– and your journey has been long and bumpy to say the least.

What If– Holy crap you are 23w3d with triplets..and still working. You got pregnant one cycle after a BFN cycle. I am amazed.

Christina– Your struggles where such a strain on your marriage for a while- you have triumphed. You posted just today about how your journey has shaped and the timing of your long awaited pregnancy. I love following your story- and am glad I have met you out here in cyberland.

Mr.Shelby– Your male perspective is a huge help to me. You put that other side of the story out there….to help me realize how this affects you as the male in different ways. Your current post about how you are going to tell Baby G’s story at your shower is amazing. Inspiring.

okay….what is funny, is that I have many more girls/and MEN that I follow that are now pregnant. I don’t want to leave anyone out- but for time’s sake I have to. Well, in the case of the men, their wives are pregnant. Most I started following BEFORE they got pregnant. Most had BFN before their current pregnancies. A few had losses. I have cried, laughed, cheered out load for these friends. I still follow all of the blogs- and I will always leave them in my google reader. These are my people now. My lifeline.

but. that fault line is still there- for the reasons I stated in my re post of the comment above.

It just is. It is the nature of this beast called IF. I wouldn’t change a thing b/c it is who I am. (okay, LIE- I would make my husband and I scared to look at each other b/c that would result in a BFP….so fertile our erotic dreams would get me pregnant…so fertile I had to wear gloves to do the laundry…but you know what I mean)

That is it. I am done. Soap box shoved aside for the next person to climb aboard.

Please visit my friends above- these are a FEW of the people I admire and are cheering for. I can’t wait until the next batch of my friends jump over that fault line.

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12 responses to “Epiphany

  1. It is the nature of the beast…

    I personally find it much easier to "celebrate" (if that is the right word) the pregnancies of fellow IFers because it feels like they "know" what to expect to some degree and realize just how much of a blessing a BFP and a pregnancy really are. I find that I have a much harder time accepting pregnancies in the non-IF world.

  2. Thanks for the love dear. I am also amazed at how many people that are listed on stirrup queens blog roll, and people I started following months ago that are now BFP. It is encouraging to me. I hope you and I both get our turns for the same soon.

  3. Oh Lorza! Jeez, you made me blush! You are such a sweetie and I get so frustrated on your behalf because I wish it wasn't taking so long for you. I wish that you DID get pregnant whilst having erotic dreams!

    You are one strong, devoted, and patient woman. ((HUGS))

  4. PS- the word verification was forked. haha. I just thought that was funny.

  5. You explained that really well! I think frustration is a great way to explain it. I agree with Michele, too, that it is easier to deal with BFPs from fellow IFers.

    When you've known ppl for a while and been with them through the hard times trying, I think it is easier to be happy for them. That being said, I do have my reader broken into categories and if I don't feel up to reading the blogs of people who are now parenting or pregnant, I don't.

  6. Well said! Thanks for putting my feelings into words! I suspect, too, that though the fault line is always there, but it changes along with the journey. For the moment, I'm battling more jealousy than I would like, but I feel the tide turning to other things…like the frustration you mentioned. I'm grateful to have so many online friends to give me hope, whether they've gotten their BFP quite yet or not!

    ~ICLW~

  7. Frustration is definitely the word for that little niggling feeling we all (IFers anyway) get when someone gets their BFP. Personally, though, it's a lot easier to take when it's another infertile…

  8. The Unproductive One

    You're very lucky to be able to be happy for other IF who have got knocked up. I am to a point but I won't hide my own disappointment that is regularly turning into bitterness lately.

    It's the nature of the beast, when everyone else is getting what you want, you're bound to feel jealous, envious perhaps even bitter.

    While I AM happy for fellow IF who do manage to get knocked I no longer make apologies for the resentment I also feel alot of the time. After 10 years and 4 miscarriages, I think I at least am allowed to feel what I feel without guilt attached.

  9. What a great post! I am not offended at all…I HAVE BEEN THERE!! And I definitely know that I could be there yet again in the blink of an eye…*sigh*

    IF sucks.

    Oh…and the W stands for WALDO of course…where is my waldo??? (It also is the first letter in my last name *wink*)

  10. Somewhat Ordinary

    And, I can't wait until you my friend jump over that fault line!

    The feelings you describe really are hard to overcome. I think no matter how long you try and how many babies you end up having that feeling will still creep up sometime.

  11. Although I'm always happy for anyone who gets their BFP, especially an IF sister, I always have that twinge, that "I wish it was my turn" with a hint of jealousy thought, ya know?

  12. HAPPY ICLW!

    I love this post! So much! You said it PERFECTLY! Good job!

    I wish you dreams come true and you hold your baby soon.
    *HUGS*

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