I think I am depressed. I don’t know if it is situational or my past SAD rearing it’s head (don’t really think it is that b/c the season hasn’t changed yet) or if I am just overwhelmed.
I can’t stop crying. Honestly- I cried watching the tivo of desperate housewives this AM with my coffee. It wasn’t even sad. I cried last night while going to pick up sonic for my husband. Just sat there and bawled my eyes out in my car before I ordered. Tried to order cheese sticks and they were out- cried some more. Cried when I found out my husband is smoking again. Cried when he asked me if I wanted on…cried when he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to smoke- or why I was sad he had started.
Cry when I hear his words echo in my head “Our lives will be over when we have child”
I should be happy for getting the new home ready to move in, but all I do is cry. I have to pack the whole house myself, I have to do/organize everything to be done at the new house. I have to pay all the bills. I have to keep track of the money. I have to do everything, and I am realizing that my husband isn’t as busy as he says he is. He just doesn’t want to do anything. I was painting last night, and he pulled out his computer- sat in the other room and looked at the weather. (he has a wireless broadband card). Didn’t change the locks on the doors I had bought- even though I have asked him to. Explained to him why I wanted him to. Didn’t ask if he could help me. Didn’t tell me it looked good. He just came in and wanted to know when I would be done b/c he was hungry.
I realized today that all I ate yesterday was a piece of toast. I just don’t care to eat.
I stayed up until 2am last night going through the mail, bills, paying bills, etc. He told me I should go to sleep or I would be tired tomorrow (today).
I am always tired. I resent that I have to do everything. I resent that he doesn’t even fake it and act like he wants to help. I feel bad that I resent it. I am sad when I realize a year ago we did our monitoring cycle. My heart is breaking b/c I just don’t think I am ever going to have a child- my husband just doesn’t seem to care to. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel to him- I have already. He response was to roll over and say “Our lives will be over when we have child” “We can’t do anything after we have a child”
He tried to cancel his doctors appt. this Friday for a regular check up. When he told me, I just said ‘okay- you do what you feel like you have to’…then I cried. He refuses to call the urologist. I refuse to mention it again after he told me that he still hasn’t decided if he was going to “go down that route”. “That route” is retrieving sperm so we can have a child.
So does that mean he hasn’t decided if he is going to “go down that route” and have a child? Why should he if he thinks his life will be over if he has one.
I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I feel like I am grieving. Grieving what I thought my life would be. Realizing this is what I have now.
I must come to terms with it or I will go crazy. I am going to be without all Internet access soon b/c I have to switch the phone over to get alarm service at our house. That is the Internet too since we have DSL. If you don’t hear from me- don’t fret.
I will try and post again from my blackberry soon.
Perhaps my humor will be back soon.