sigh.


I think I am depressed. I don’t know if it is situational or my past SAD rearing it’s head (don’t really think it is that b/c the season hasn’t changed yet) or if I am just overwhelmed.

I can’t stop crying. Honestly- I cried watching the tivo of desperate housewives this AM with my coffee. It wasn’t even sad. I cried last night while going to pick up sonic for my husband. Just sat there and bawled my eyes out in my car before I ordered. Tried to order cheese sticks and they were out- cried some more. Cried when I found out my husband is smoking again. Cried when he asked me if I wanted on…cried when he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to smoke- or why I was sad he had started.

Cry when I hear his words echo in my head “Our lives will be over when we have child”

I should be happy for getting the new home ready to move in, but all I do is cry. I have to pack the whole house myself, I have to do/organize everything to be done at the new house. I have to pay all the bills. I have to keep track of the money. I have to do everything, and I am realizing that my husband isn’t as busy as he says he is. He just doesn’t want to do anything. I was painting last night, and he pulled out his computer- sat in the other room and looked at the weather. (he has a wireless broadband card). Didn’t change the locks on the doors I had bought- even though I have asked him to. Explained to him why I wanted him to. Didn’t ask if he could help me. Didn’t tell me it looked good. He just came in and wanted to know when I would be done b/c he was hungry.

I realized today that all I ate yesterday was a piece of toast. I just don’t care to eat.

I stayed up until 2am last night going through the mail, bills, paying bills, etc. He told me I should go to sleep or I would be tired tomorrow (today).

I am always tired. I resent that I have to do everything. I resent that he doesn’t even fake it and act like he wants to help. I feel bad that I resent it. I am sad when I realize a year ago we did our monitoring cycle. My heart is breaking b/c I just don’t think I am ever going to have a child- my husband just doesn’t seem to care to. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel to him- I have already. He response was to roll over and say “Our lives will be over when we have child” “We can’t do anything after we have a child”

He tried to cancel his doctors appt. this Friday for a regular check up. When he told me, I just said ‘okay- you do what you feel like you have to’…then I cried. He refuses to call the urologist. I refuse to mention it again after he told me that he still hasn’t decided if he was going to “go down that route”. “That route” is retrieving sperm so we can have a child.

So does that mean he hasn’t decided if he is going to “go down that route” and have a child? Why should he if he thinks his life will be over if he has one.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I feel like I am grieving. Grieving what I thought my life would be. Realizing this is what I have now.

I must come to terms with it or I will go crazy. I am going to be without all Internet access soon b/c I have to switch the phone over to get alarm service at our house. That is the Internet too since we have DSL. If you don’t hear from me- don’t fret.

I will try and post again from my blackberry soon.

Perhaps my humor will be back soon.

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13 responses to “sigh.

  1. Well, I'm not a doctor, I just play with them at work, but I'd say you're definitely depressed. I was feeling all of these symptoms, and my husband wasn't even being an unsupportive dick! You're much nicer than I would have been. The neighbors would have thought someone was killing me in that situation. (They probably already have, on occasion.) It's worth getting your feelings out there, and worth going to your OB and telling him/her all of this. They should be able to refer you, or prescribe you something to help!

  2. I hope your humour is back soon. It sounds like it is situational depression. I am sorry that your DH is not helping or being supportive at the moment. I hope things sort themselves out soon and he realises the errors of his ways!
    Take care
    Nic x

  3. Oh honey, I am so sorry. Have you thought of seeing someone with your husband so that you can both air out in a safe environment?

  4. Oh, I wish I could do something to help you feel better 😦 I think all the IF stuff just makes everything else, that could be easier to handle under normal circumstances, much more difficult. Going through what I consider "situational" depression I think is normal…as long as it doesn't last too long or interfere with your life too much. If it continues, I would definately get help.

    My DH has gone thru phases where he's not supportive and seems in denial or angry – I think its mostly anger at himself for his infertility. But whether its a phase or not, or whether he means it or not, those statements hurt.
    No, your lives will not end. But yes, they will be completely different. But he knows that.

    Tell DH that you need more help around the house! You guys are a team. Remind him 🙂

    I hope things get better soon!

  5. I'm sorry your hubby isn't being supportive at all. Depression may be an issue, especially if you're not receiving the support you need.
    It might be worth talking to someone and getting some of those feelings and frustrations off your chest.

  6. Its hard to feel like your doing all the work in this, like your the only one that CARES. I know, its exactly how I feel right now. My husband has come a long way, but at first, when I would get so sad that AF arrived, he just said "its ok, it will happen" and went on with his life. Sometimes I just want to hear him say "no matter what, we will make sure that we have a child" maybe one day they will say that to us, but until then I guess its just baby steps?

  7. I'm so sorry sweetie. I hope that things start looking up soon. Please try to take care of yourself. Hugs and much love.

  8. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. A sit-down with your DH and a counselor would really help! He needs to get off his booty and start contributing!

  9. Oh no!!! I wish I could give you a big hug and bring you ridiculous amounts of chocolate.

    I'm so sorry that things aren't the best right now….I'm praying that things will go up from here…maybe a new house, new perspective for hubby??

  10. One Who Understands

    I would be depressed too!! Oh DH's have a way to make things so much more difficult. I have been here. It is not a happy place. I cried a lot too. Hoping you can find peace and clarity.

    (((HUGS)))

  11. oh sweets, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I agree that someone to talk to might be a good thing. even if he won't go, someone for you to talk to might be a start. sounds like you have so very much to work through. ((hugs))

  12. Pingback: Good Morning Cry « My Bumpy Journey

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