i thank the ones of you that have checked on me. I have withdrawn and I know it.   I have broken so many blogger rules it isn’t even funny.  I have more than likely lost 90% of my readers.

 I oddly don’t really care.  I mean I do- but I don’t.  I desperately need support- yet I am isolating myself.  I am finding myself  ignoring all IF related subjects. My google reader has over 100 unread messages.  I scan the subject lines- but honestly I skip over the seemingly mundane/etc. I have pretty much ignored all Preggo blogs and “The Other Side Blogs” (as I label the ones that have had kids”. 

I hate it.  I get so mad at myself- so irritated. I just say “SUCK IT UP”!!!

Then when I get the google reader open- I just can’t click on the folder.

I am not really depressed per se (the happy pills ARE working)- but I have to isolate myself to protect myself.

It seems like I am removing all IF from my life so I forget….for a little while. It isn’t really working- but I guess it is. I dont’ know

My mind is so screwed up.  I don’t know which way is up.

Christmas was stressful- I got into it with Kingman’s father.  I found out my beloved” Aunt So”  has 3-6 months to live.  I have been facing my own mortality and thinking about my sister and death

My mother and  I planned to go to the UK in May…until we found out about my Aunt So. My mother refuses to make any plans until my Aunt So- is either better….or dead.

I don’t blame her. At all. Who would want to be in Europe- dream trip of a lifetime- when their sister dies?!? I don’t blame Mom. I don’t. I understand. I just hurt. We decided not to do IVF until immediately AFTER we go to the UK. Mom doesn’t want to go to the UK until Aunt So passes- so we can be around for every minute. I totally understand- I DO! I want to be there also- that is why I keep going and visiting her!!!!!

Although….Kingman and I decided not to do the IVF until AFTER the UK trip b/c of all the money invested and the risk of flying on a transatlantic flight and being away from my docs, etc. while in 1st/2nd trimester pregnancy walking all around……sigh.

do you see what I am getting at?  so far- we are on wait. We are waiting for my sweet, selfless, wonderful, beautiful Aunt to die so I can have a child.

it seems so wrong to even type it out.    That is one of many reasons I haven’t blogged. I feel guilty for the tears. I am crying as I pray for my aunt….then I cry as I realize it may be 2012 before I have child- then I cry b/c I am being so selfish. I cry b/c I think it is b/c I tried to make plans. I am mad at God-and I know I shouldn’t be. I KNOW His plan is the right one…He knows what is best.

I just don’t understand how all this hurt is good- or part of a plan.

 ….Two of my closest friends are pregnant. You all know about one- The Campers. The other is my bestest bestest best friend Miss Sweetness. The Campers  I am okay with now- Miss Sweetness- I am ecstatic about.   She is my soul sister- the sister GOD created for me. She is my other half in friendship spirit. She knows me, and I know her. With her pregnancy- it is almost like being pregnant myself. I just wish we were  physically closer. She is still in graduate school, and stressed out. I have already bought her baby books, some cute onsies, and toys.  This is the first time in almost TWO YEARS I have been able to go to the baby aisle and not have that pain. I find myself smiling- and realize I am thinking about her baby. My best friend’s baby. I realize that is how I will feel one day….some small sense of it. I am in awe of her pregnancy- because we are so close it is almost like I am pregnant. I thank God everyday that I don’t feel pain, jealousy, or resentment towards her. I honestly don’t!!! All I can do is smile- giggle, and want to shop. I may have said it before, but sometimes- as odd as it seems- I feel like HER pregnancy is what is getting  me through this horrible tough patch.

That empty, hollow echo you have deep in your bones. I am almost past the anger….almost past the sorrow..even almost past the dreaming. That is the rest of the time. I almost don’t even think about children anymore- I just stopped thinking of the 3rd bedroom as the “future nursery”- and actually started calling it “the beach guest room”. I don’t even know when the shift happened.

I have just empty pain. Hollowness.

That is why I have withdrawn- I have made myself a  little cocoon where IF hasn’t existed. I have ignored it all. I have pretended I am just a married woman trying to make it through the holidays (which sucked).

I have discovered that:

1.The girl at work that I was loathing has struggled with IF for 5 YEARS!! I feel like a bitch…but she was still a bitch to me first.

2. Target brand red wine cubes are AWESOME. 

3. Florida can get fucking  cold. My backflow froze….WITH my pipes drained.

4. Pools in if Florida CAN freeze over….and you will rip a net if you try and break up the ice with it.

5. Just when you think you have a handle on your IF….and you THINK you understand yourself. You throw yourself a loop and you have no clue what your emotions mean…or what to do with them. Your poor DH is REALLY behind the eight ball. Surprisingly….he still loves you. Sometimes- you just don’t know why.

 I am a horrible blogger….I am a horrible commenter. I am a horrible follower. I am sorry. I am just trying to keep my cracking heart in one piece

After my best friend’s announcement we got out appointment date.

2-25-2010. woah. Pre-op is 2-24.  My crazy husband still thinks he should be awake with only local during the procedure. HA HA. Whatev.

One day, I will return to the blog world fulltime. I promise. Don’t give up on me. I am trying  not too,

13 responses to “cocoon

  1. I have thought of you, and thought of sending you an email at least a dozen times, but nothing ever materialized. (Will it make you feel any better that I am also equally behind on emails I want to send to people I know IRL?)

    I totally understand your withdrawl, and actually think is is similar to the semi withdrawl I’ve had recently.

    I’m so sorry about your aunt. It is so hard when someone is dying, and how that affects everything else.

    Can’t believe it freezes in Florida! I never would have suspected. Living in a suburb of Los Angeles, I would have guessed that you have warmer weather than me!

    I haven’t forgotten about you, and never will! Glad to hear from you, and looking forward to hearing more soon!

  2. Sometimes it is good to take a step back. Especially when you are waiting. It can take the pressure off and generally make things easier on you.

    I am sorry about your aunt. It is always difficult to lose a loved one. I lost my grandfather this past year, and that was very difficult on me and my family.

    Hang in there! Take the time you need, we will be here when you are ready.

  3. ((BIG HUGS)) I won’t repeat what I put in the e-mail.

    …Thinking of you!!

  4. It’s completely understandable to need a break from blogging, or reading blogs, or anything IF. Especially when you’re already going through so much with your family…
    I’m still reading – whenever you decide to post again, I’ll be here.

  5. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone and that is the great thing about blogland – people get it. When you’re absent, we notice and wonder if everything is going okay with you. When you’re ready, come back and blog about what is bothering you. If you’re not ready to read updates, than don’t. Why push yourself further into a funk? I’m really sorry to read what is going on with your Aunt. That’s so awful and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. HUGS.

  6. You arent horrible… Thinking of you…

  7. *hugs* to you, Lorza.

    Giiiiirl, you’ve had a lot going on in your life!

    I’m so, so sorry about your Aunt. I wish death would just call a truce with life and take the year off.

    Take as much time away from the Bloggyland as you need. We all go through our moments where we just need to distance ourselves. Oh, and we aren’t goin’ anywhere. =)

  8. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I’m sorry things are on hold. That totally sucks.

    I hope you don’t hide out forever. Take the time you need and just know I am thinking for you and praying for you.

  9. Sorry that should’ve be thinking of you, not for you.

  10. We’re still here and we’re still thinking about you. The waiting game SUCKS, I totally understand it. Keep your chin up and stay on the path, even when we can’t understand the plan, His is always the right one, whether we like it or not… And to be honest? Right now, I do NOT like it… But we’re keeping with it, and we’re keeping with you. Post when you can, when it feels right. 🙂 Take Care!

  11. Thinking of you a lot. Send me an email if you want to ever talk.

    Take as much time off as you need. Us in this blogsphere will always be here.

    Many HUGS and many prayers.

  12. Lorza, I totally understand. Just know we’re here for you when you need the support or want to reach out. Hang in there.

  13. You are not a horrible person…you are a victim of IF….and its just not fair. Everything you are feeling/going through is so normal…I totally remember feeling the same way. And I still do have my moments when I do…even with all that has happened.

    When DH and I took our three month break it was wonderful…I barely blogged…I barely read blogs…I could go to the baby aisle as well….I didnt’ tear up as much when I saw all the swelling bellies around me. Do what you need to do for you and your sanity….IF is a tough road.

    I will continue to pray that your journey will have its happy ending very soon.

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