Masks


Just flipping through channels and I stopped on The Little Couple- the particular episode was about their visit to the fertility doctor to get her vaginal US to look at her ovaries.  My heart is just going out to both of them!

The part that made me have the first catch in my heart was when they were sitting across from the RE and he is explain the risks of the ER. Jen is nodding her head- and you can momentarily see the pain and uncertainty break through the face she has perfected because of her job. She herself is a neonatologist, and deals with tough, heart wrenching issues on a daily basis

She has learned how to put on that mask- that mask that hides what is in her heart b/c it is unprofessional to mix personal feelings with your professional life. That mask that you wear during some of the most heart wrenching things you can imagine- that when you get home you forget to take it off.

That mask is a blessing at work- but can sometimes be a curse.  I know this b/c I have one too.

As an ER nurse (NeuroICU nurse, Neonatal ICU nurse, and now an Urgent care nurse) you HAVE to have a mask. It is key to your emotional survival- and your patient’s physical survival. You dont’ want your nurse crying her eyes swollen or snotting on your arm as she is trying to start your IV.  It is so hard when you first start- that first baby you lose. That first grandmother that doesn’t wake up. You cry- but you learn how to let it slip down behind your mask…only to be seen when needed. 

Then one day you look at sobbing family members and realize your eyes are dry. Your mask has moved down to your heart and it is time to move on. I think this happens in more ways than just jobs.

um, when I saw “you”……I, um, obviously mean…me. So why dont’ I just say ‘I’ and ‘me’?   Perhaps I think “you” makes this sound all literary. HA HA HA.

I realized one day that my mask was on at home also. I was shielding myself from all that would cause me pain. I was tired of the hurt,and and tired of hurting. I have isolated my feeling- only to let a tear be seen when needed.

Why do I do that? To protect me? To protect others? I honestly think it is a little of both. I think that is partly why I quit blogging for a while on the IF front.

During that time I really didn’t look at much IF related. All during the holidays I was ‘reclusive’ in the ALI world. I am sorry for that- b/c so many of you have given me such wonderful support. I am slowly coming back- but for some reason I am just so…..raw.

I am trying to ignore it I suppose. Like I can. It is everywhere.  Two of my closest friends are pregnant (6 weeks or so apart),one of my others has three kids. I work with a girl that is about to pop (don’t even get me started on HER. ARGH).

My mask goes back on again. My mask to protect myself and to protect others.  Sigh- but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way- b/c the blessings of best friends’ pregnancies warm my heart. They give me hope…and they assure me the fact i will get hand-me-downs!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

Who the heck can NOT love that. LOL!

Okay- so back to Jen and Bill on the Little Couple. They are precious. I can’t believe they let cameras in the room when they got the results of the ultrasound, in which they didn’t find the left ovary- and you could really see Jen struggle to stay composed.

I just wanted to hug her, or pat her back…or give her a shout out. I just wanted to tell her she isn’t alone. I think they both are being wise in exploring all their options. Who knows what is being comped b/c of free publicity…but, um…I don’t blame them honestly. I am sure they have a lot of bills, etc. Now with surrogacy- a little chunk of change for sure. I am glad they are putting it out there for people to see.

OOOOOOO…speaking of putting it out there for people to see- Mr. and Mrs. Shelby are going to be on Good Morning America THIS Saturday!!!! I don’t know their blog right off the top of my head (hers is something like “The great What If”) Sorry, I don’t remember. I will crank up the old google reader and pull them up later.

Set your TIVOs, DVRs, or sign up for Hulu and set it to record. I am so excited b/c this is a MFI couple- and so very important for me to let my DH see.

Kingman’s PAT(preauthorization testing) is Feb 26th. Say a prayer that everything is OK.  Operation Spermatozoa Freedom is set to go down March 25th- barring any further problems or snafus.

My husband made it through three DAYS IN LAS VEGAS, and hours at BlackJack tables without one single cigarette. This is how I KNOW he is really really ready- and that he is on board.  I am so very proud of him.

Nighty Night.

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3 responses to “Masks

  1. I kept seeing the previews for that episode and I really wanted to see it…guess I’ll have to catch a rerun!

    I know what you mean about masks…its that instant smile that you throw on your face in public…weird how hard it was at first…but it got easier over time…

    Glad you’re coming back…but I totally understand the need to take a step back sometimes…

  2. Really interesting analysis on the masks. I know I have a clinic mask… I am very together and happy at the clinic even when my heart is breaking and my brain screaming at me. Luckily it doesn’t follow me home really.

  3. HUGE Shout Out to Jen and Bill. I watched that episode and then went online to find out how to contact them. I just wanted to send them a personal thanks for telling their story so publicly. Instead I wrote a letter to TLC encouraging them to do a reality show about infertility. Story lines about pregnancy are all over the airwaves, and there is so much opportunity to insert a little reality of the struggles facing 1 in 8 couples into Hollywood. HUGE Shout out to Bill and Jen!

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