Fuc*-bluninking….that is what I am going to call this one. FUCKING BLOGING DRUNK.
***DISCLAMER**** I have had a bottle (yes, a BOTTLE) of Menages Tois…oooooo, I have misspelled that so bad not even Firefox can correct it. Ouch. So, whatever..I have had a whole bottle of Red Threesome. 🙂 Yummy.
What prompted this you ask? Oh, just the fact that I agreed to do an interview for a friend’s niece today for her bioethics class. On ethics…..bioethics.Obvioously. der. So I couldn’t say no…I wanted to talk about my IF. I didn’t want to stay silent. I wanted to educate. I wanted to tell my side of the story, and our struggles.
What I discovered is that that it is so fucking hard to talk about. She was actually very professional about it, and very tactful. She was sensitive and caring. She had the standard questions, and explained what was going into the paper, and that my privacy would be protected. It was a good experience…..but…..
It still brought up those demons from within…those ugly creatures that have tamped down for so long….those beasties I have quelled and satiated with….well, I don’t really know what with- perhaps just with the shear fact that I ignore the whole situation.
“THE SITUATION” Ahhh…that is crux of huh? Don’t we all know it. I fucking hate “THE SITUATION”.
At least now we have his surgery back on the books. I don’t even now if I told all my loyal followers (what a bad blogger am I!!!!)
MAY 13!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. One and half months my dear husband will be getting his POWs rescued….um, or we shall find out if they are MIAs…or just RIP…….
Okay quick reminder of a recent post….I have back to back BABY showers May 22 and 23….in which my fruitcake doctor feels that meditation and EXERCISE are the key to help with my anxiety and depression to get through them.
Quick math- the showers are the next weekend AFTER the surgery. If the don’t find any Troopers in the Barracks…..I can GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you that my doctor will be prescribing me some fucking happy pills. There is no amounts of OOOOOHHHHHMMMMMMSSSSS in this fucking world that could get me through that.
I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I know I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I HAVE TOO. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I am happy for my friends-deleriously happy…I am just sad for myself. I am selfish- so fucking selfish. I am angry that I have to wait for money in our checking account, and for our schedules to be ‘just right’ as far as his partner’s vacations (that is for a secret post)….I am sad that I can’t experience the “oh my gosh, I think I am pregnant b/c my period is late”
It is sucks that TWO PEOPLE have had babies at work since have been trying to have a baby…and a third is pregnant.
It sucks that my “bench mark baby”‘s momma is thinking about getting pregnant again. (bench mark baby is the baby that was conceived around the same time you started trying to conceive). It sucks that I am sure she will get pregnant soon b/c she is fertile like that.
I hate it that my period the other day was so bad I had to crawl out of bed at 430 am into the bathroom to vomit. Then make my way into the kitchen to microwave the rice bag- then lay on the kitchen floor until the heat and ibuprofen eased the pain enough that I stopped dry heaving.
I am scared I now have too much damaged from my endometriosis that even with my DH”s sperm aspiration I won’t be able to carry a child. I fear my body is turning against me. I fear that what the doctor told me when I was 18 or 19 is true- that if I didn’t have child by 30 my insides would be to scared to carry one. I haven’t even been able to have sex on top for the last 8 month from the pain- and I know that is progression of the endo on my cervix. The next step is surgery…but that can’t happen b/c i have already had it twice.
Why must time be such a fucking bitch? In 11 days I turn 33. I am having another fucking birthday, and I have moved NO FUCKING WHERE since last year. NO WHERE. Well, we have the surgery on the books at least now, but untill it happens I won’t believe it.
I am just so unsettled. I still don’t feel at home here. We have not bought any new furniture b/c my husband never has anytime to go look at stuff. I don’t want to go alone. We still have ALL our stuff from college and whatever we accumulated afterwards (mainly what I have after I became a nurse)- but that is really discount/low end crappy stuff like particle board TV stand and warpped book shelves. LOL. We Still have stuff in cardboard boxes for lack of anywhere to put it. Our bed room is barren. Our bed is just rails, box spring and mattress. I have no bedside table. all my stuff is on the floor. NOTHING. It still echos in our bedroom- and it is really…sad. Yet- I don’t want to just go by myself and pick out our BEDROOM furniture. So everynight we go to bed in a barren lonely bed. And I really don’t think he notices.
He has this fucking test coming up and I will be so glad when it is over. He doesn’t do a G-D thing when he is at home but study. NOTHING. I honestly think he uses it as a shield to hide behind- b/c that is all he has ever known- for the first 32 years of his life was school…that is his comfort zone. So when there is another “Board” to study for he is okay with it. He is comfortable with it. BUT, it honestly pisses me off…but I CAN”T say that…b/c this if for his WORK….even though technically he doesn’t need it. This is just another ‘feather’ in his hat. This is just an extra Board certification for him.
That is what he was practicing in the previous pictures..I wasn’t really getting a test done. He was just testing the placement of his electrodes. 🙂 He says he didn’t run any studies on me- he was just making sure he got the signals connecting (you have to enter a patients name, etc. for the values to come up…and obviously he wasn’t going to do that….plus he is Mr. Ethical….) He just needed placement practice and I was his Guinea Pig. LOL!
Anyways. I am sorry about this long rambling post about basically nothing but whining and wining.
Blah…..to make matters worse.I put in to be off of work that weekend and they have not approved it yet. Not looking good. They are already all pissy about me working every other weekend- even though I was hired to ON CALL….WHEN I COULD BASED ON WHEN I WAS ABLE TO. GRRRRRRRRRRR.
What they don’t realize is that I have no issues quitting over this- and neither does my husband. Not since after we had our taxes done and we found out that my job put us in the NEXT FUCKING TAX BRACKET. Thanks. Since I worked we have to pay MORE in taxes than what I made last year…..so get this…I had not worked a single day at ALL last year, we wouldn’t have owed anything. We actually would have gotten money back.
So- what does that tell me??? To sit my fat ASS AT HOME!!! Not only that they are targeting my husband b/c he is a “RICH DOCTOR”. I hate fucking bloodsucking leeches. Don’t get me wrong- if there is a wrong, and a cover-up there need hold someone accountable. These 40 million dollar settlements? Class action suits for patients that took a drug twice? Suing a doctor that saw you once b/c he was covering for your doc that was off for the day? Chicken shit. There needs to be tort reform b/c this is what is driving up medical costs, and this is why physicians limit who they they see in their practices (if they are in private practice and have the ability too). THIS is why so many doctors are retiring….and not that many are going into the medical field.
oh….sorry for the soapbox tirad rant. I don’t know where that came from. I have all this pent up rage that hasn’t been let out in a while. I just get sick of hearing about all the “rich greedy doctors”. People just don’t know. I drive a 2000 Honda accord, and my husband a 1998 jeep. Most others are like that too. He as a lot in student loans, etc. etc…and we are the financially responsible sort of our peers. Imagine the ones that aren’t. We do like nice things- but we are crazy……..oh, I am just rambling now. It is time to go to bed.
Tomorrow is going to hurt. I have to work in the AM.
With two bitchy ass nurses that I can’t stand (one that rolled her eyes at me yesterday when I was in charge), and another that….I REALLY can’t stand. Blah….hell, I need to log in and see if I am in charge. Damn- are you SURE I can’t drink on the job. LOL!!!!!
Night all- thank you for staying with through this drunken blog.
btw- I am horrid at returning comments lately, but I AM reading everyone’s blogs!!!!!! I Love you all!!!!!!!!