What If?


The Stirrup Queen has a recent post asking all us bloggers to post in the comments our ‘What If’ relating to our infertility. Please click over there and check out her post, tell her about your “What If”- this will in part help her organize and help with Resolve Spring advocacy Best Blogger award.   Check it out.

I have a lot of what ifs knocking around in my head- and so many are not in any way unique to me. The triage process of my what ifs change almost daily. Right now the most pressing thing  is: What if during the process of TTC I push away all my IRL friends until they don’t want to be a part of my life anymore? What if when I do have a baby, I look around to be admitted into that “mommies only club” that all my friends have developed- only to find the group has collectively stayed pushed away. Right where I forced them through the years of heartache and pain of watching them have baby after baby. What if the friendships are forever altered?

What I am NOT able to ever have a biological child- and my friends want to wrap themselves in the happy, wonderful lives they have…and not be brought down by my sorrow.

What if they don’t find any sperm on the 13th of May during my DH’s surgery? How will I make it through the next weekend?

What if……..I know there are so many others- the other biggies, like what if we don’t get pregnant, don’t carry a child, miscarry, etc. etc…but for some reason right now those are not as pressing to me. I don’t know why. I think it is b/c I DO feel my friendships shifting- even as much as my friends said they never would. I know they do it b/c they don’t want to hurt me or make me uncomfortable, and I appreciate that…but at the same time it is bittersweet. Their pregnancies and children are the biggest things in their lives- so therefore if they are ‘protecting me’, I therefore never talk to them.  It is sad, and I have always relied on their support and love to get me through the dark times- and now I find myself physically alone.

When I tried to call Dr. 5000 to see about what to do/when to come in after Kingman’s surgery…..and was informed that Dr. 5000 was now the Program Director and only treated IVF patients that have actually cycled with him before. WHAT?!?!?!   Apparently in the time it took to get DH’s surgery our awesome doctor has been promoted. Sigh. Since we have NOT ACTUALLY CYCLED with him, I don’t know if we are going to be able to still be treated by him.  *cue panic attack*

Now, I sure the rest of the Ass. Professors (ha ha) are qualified, but I felt a calm- no PEACE- with Dr. 5000.  The bitchy ass receptionist informed me that I may have to set up a NEW PATIENT APPOINTMENT with another doctor- the first available in SEPTEMBER.

AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGMEIAMGOINGTOBLOWAGASKET!!!!!!!!

There is no amount of meditation or bio-fucking-feedback that will calm my nerves if they tell me I have to wait until Septemper.

I am sipping on some Firefly that I discovered at the liquor store….then I am going to try again, and call and talk directly to the IVF nurse. Maybe she can give me better news.

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2 responses to “What If?

  1. That blows! HUGS!

    Sending you some calming vibes. And the answers that you deserve.

  2. I loved the “what IF” project. There are so many What IF’s in this journey. My biggest is what if this never works… what then?

    Sending you hugs over the whole MD thing. Totally lame!!! Kick some butt girl!

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