Um, I have no idea how to get that centered. 🙂 I am a blogger with very limited skills
My original What If post was a few weeks ago, and really has gotten me thinking. Pretty much to the point that I have so much going on in head I don’t know where to start. I don’t think that I can do my thoughts justice with a keyboard. At the time I wrote my first post my friendships were forefront in my brain b/c of all that was going in my life. The stress I was feeling- the isolation.I also said that triage process of what is ‘most pressing’ of my What IF changes from week to week, and even day to day, what is the hardest.
Here is my heart….
What if during my infertility treatments I isolate myself so much to ‘protect’ my heart and mind that I end up pushing away my closest friends. What if they decide to stay away b/c it is too hard on them to try and make me feel comfortable. I can see already how several of my friend’s pregnancies caused some anxiety and worry on their parts b/c they knew it would hurt me to know they were pregnant. My infertility dampened their excitement and joy in telling me. They know me so well- and know that I AM hurt. I am hurting, but not because they are pregnant- but because I am not. I think it is hard for non-IFers to understand that difference. My friends can be the center of ‘me’. They keep me grounded and sane. They always have. I am already starting to feel like a balloon that has floated away from the bunch- and I don’t know how to get back. I am afraid I have caused walls to be put up that will be very hard to tear down- if they ever even can.
A few weeks ago we got DH’s surgery scheduled and my RE appointment to plan IVF- and I was so freaking excited I called about 4 of my friends. I sent texts to call me….only one responded, and that was the next day. During that I realized that I am alone- they have all moved on without me. They have their kids, their pregnancies- and my news is a blip on their radar. It hurts- but what do I expect, really? The Land of IF is complicated place, and I don’t blame them for backing away. I struggle everyday- and sometimes I just stare at the phone and want it to ring b/c I tire of reaching out. I know they are exhausted of my tears and woes. Sigh.
What IF my husband’s TESE shows no sperm? How will HE take it? He has already told me that he would understand I left him- and that breaks my heart. I love him so much- and would never, EVER leave him over that. I cringe at the fact that he doesn’t know how much I love him…and that he might have doubt that I would leave him.
What IF more states start passing laws like Arizona or Oklahoma? What if there are women and girls out there that are permanently psycologically scared b/c of being forced to watch an abortion with sonography? PTSD is a real problem- and is not exclusive to a war zone.
What IF doctors start deciding they can withhold your test results in OTHER forms of medicine because of this bill in OK? What about a renal doctor that thinks that as a 65 year old women, you don’t need to know your kidneys are failing and need dialysis? That you are to old for it? So they just don’t tell you, and let you die. How about breast cancer in an 80 year old, that would want treament? Yet, the doctor thinks she has lived a full life, and it is her time to die…so the doctor withholds the diagnosis.
What IF I never experience pregnancy? What if I couldn’t afford IVF?
I could write for hours- and perhaps that is why I have delayed on writing this post. I am feel like if I leave a what if out, it is belittling it.
Reading all of the What IFs on other blogs makes me cry- I feel each one in the center of my being. I feel for my IF sisters and brothers pain.
Please take time and check out the Resolve website. It is full of sources, and heaps of information. Education is a never ending process- and especially with our government starting to take over our choices it is imperative that we stay abreast of the current events. Our fertility has been impaired already without our choice- and we are fighting.
Resolve has basic understanding of infertility- which is awesome. This is a great link to give family and friends that may not understand….and can even help you out if you still have some grey areas.
Keep fighting ladies (and men), and keep the voices of the IF community loud.
Please head over to The Stirrup Queens and check out the project!!!
What IF I could get over my fear of people ‘finding us out’ and really get out in my community and educate?
What IF we get pregnant the first cycle?
What IF my friends rally and all my fears are unfounded?
What if there was understanding and compassion in the government?