First off- thank you ALL SO MUCH for all of your wonderful words of encouragement and support through all this. It was so wonderful to see my Droid’s notification light blink again and again. Clicking on each comment filled me with love and comfort. It is amazing how even a simple one line comment from a fellow blogger can melt the icicles that were starting to form.
Okay- so yesterday I KNEW that a result of zero sperm was a possibility but I(we) hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Obviously!! I mean who would hope for zero sperm- besides maybe the family of a serial killer! Anyways- I digress.
The King is currently taking a few minutes here and there to type up his expierence for you all- and for anyone that will be going through this. He found that reading the blogs of men (and women) describing what happened, and what they went through helped him a lot. I knew it would, and I tried to get him online weeks ago- but alas he never did. The NIGHT before the surgery at about 5pm he started asking me to find the blog posts and such. Sigh. Luckily you girls/guys ROCK and pulled through for me. Nothing like an SOS getting answered in the blog world within hours. 🙂
I don’t know if I can ever express how much you all help me- and are now helping my husband.
I will give you a run down of how things have been for me/us….
The BAU (Big Ass University) was a great place. I was out in the waiting area, and a nurse came out three times to update me that things were going good. He went back at 704am, and the doc came out at around 1030 or so. The UroGod came out by himself to talk to me in a little room beside waiting room. I imagine they call this the “Quiet Room” or “Family Room”. In hindsite I realize it had a huge comfy oversized couch, fruit, sodas, etc. As a nurse with ER/ICU experience, I should have seen the “Crisis” room a mile away. Dammit- I missed out on the free sodas, snacks and SOFA!!!! ARGH!!!
He told me basically what I said in the last post- that he didn’t find a single sperm, and that the tissue (testicular) was smooth and homogenous. He looked as long as he felt was safe, and took the biopsies. I don’t think the biospies were to try to find anymore sperm- he was pretty bleak about finding any in the biopsy- but it was basically so that they can look at the tissue and try to see what is going on- and what the tissue looks like. I didn’t think to ask if meds (clomid, testosterone, or voodoo) would help create sperm. I was honestly trying my best to not freak the fuck out, and to act like a professional.
I teared up just a little, but nothing big- from being a critical care nurse, I am used to having to squash my feelings. I learned how to be cold, and put my mask on in the ER when coding a 3 month old with their parents near by. I learned how shove my feelings in a box until later, and be strictly clincal. I think I reverted to that when talking to the UroGod as a defense mechanism. I was still the wife who knew her husband was going to be sad. My hopes of an IVF cycle/pregnancy this summer were out the window. I lost my breath for a few seconds- but I don’t think he noticed. I just couldn’t think to ask anything.
I still had to wait about 20 minutes before he was in the post op room. That was when I finished the post yesterday (I had actually started it earlier in the morning)- I was caught between “I have to see humor in this” and “OHMYFUCKINGCRAPAHHHHH”. That is why that post is a little weird. I had to find the funny and ground myself or I would have been a pile of sobs and tears in the OR waiting area.
The King said that he could tell by the look on my face when I walked in the door that the UroGod didn’t find anything. I feel bad about that- b/c I tried really hard to not look sad or upset. My sweetie just knows me too well. This first things my sweet husband said was “I am so so sorry”. 😦 It just breaks my heart for him. We hugged and kissed, and I tried to remember what the UroGod said. We teared up and just held each other…..and he looked in my eyes and said “you never want for anything- you don’t want a fancy house, or jewelry, or cars….you’re one hearts desire and want is to have a child- and I can’t give you the one thing you’ve ever asked of me. I am so sorry”.
That is what broke my heart.
He is writing up a post…so I am going to stop right here as far as his feelings….I will let him share more of that.
In the recovery area we had heavy hearts- but I was determined to make him smile despite it all. 🙂 We did find laughter, and that helped to ground us both. We are alive, and healthy, and we have each other. This is NOT the end of the road. Our Journey is not done–it just got MORE BUMPY. (HA HA, plug for my blog name!!) We have had so many damn curveballs I do believe the ball is about to go full circle and hit us square in the face.
The UroGod wrote us for Roxycodone syrup (The King has trouble swollowing pills)…and we had to drive all over creation and find a COMPOUNDING pharmacy that had it. Gah. I also got him so docuasate liquid…which btw is NAAAASTY. I don’t want his getting constipated from the narcotics, and then have to strain and pop a nut out.
****I remember reading a blog post from one of my friends that her husband had this procedure done, and then they had sex and he really did pop a nut out….I can’t find that post ANYWHERE though! Who was that??!? I can’t remember now!!***
We napped a little yesterday and had a mini-breakdown together….but we are good. He is good. I am good. I have not had a big breakdown- but I imagine it will happen when I am alone. I HAVE to do it before next weekend. If these weren’t my two bestest friends I would not be going. I have to- we are staying at The Campers house this weekend. I won’t lie and say it sucks to see her big round baby belly….but I love her- so that makes it hurt less.
Now the current crisis is that they didn’t clear his monday schedule- and they have him seeing 30 patients, 8 EMGs, AND being on call. Not cool. His nurse is trying to reschedule them, but there really isn’t anywhere to move them too. This friday is our psuedo WTF appointment(I say psuedo b/c most people have WTF appts AFTER a busted cycle….but I still feel like it is a WTF..), and he was going to come up the night before, go to it (it is at 8am)- then drive home. 4.5 hours away b/c he is on call next weekend.
AHHHHHH….all his June days are booked up b/c his partner is going out-of-town for two weeks…our Anniversary is the 9th- but I don’t think we are going to get to do anything this year. We planned on a vacay late June- but don’t know HOW that is going to happen now.
I think I am going to surprise him for his b’day with a super nice vacay. His b’day is July 13th. I am thinking Bermuda, or Bahamas. Lots of stars. Luxury. 🙂 Make up for all this SHIT.
He is currently snoring his head off from all the drugs.
Thanks again for all your loooooove. It is wonderful. The King was uberly impressed with all the comments and totally astounded that so many people care. I have told him about my blog, and about the IF community but I don’t think that he ‘got it’ until the last two days.