The Verdict Is In.


The UroGod didn’t call yesterday with the results of the testicular biopsy. We understand, The King being a doc and all. We know how busy it can be on a Friday.

So we didn’t keep our phones nearby today- what doctor calls on Saturday?!?!  At 1030 The King noticed a missed call, and realized it was the UroGod calling with the biopsy results. OMGOMGOMG.

Results: Biopsy showed sertoli cells only- no germ cells. The UroGod said we won’t ever know if this is a part of the Prune Belly, secondary infertility, or because of the fact that his testicles were descended at age 6. (that was the recommendation in the late 70s, now they recommend by age 3)

He painted a grim picture about any chance of The King biologically fathering a child. He didn’t think any medicines would help with sperm production. Sigh.

We knew this was probably the case, but it sucks when you hear it so definite. Blah.

The King’s reaction at first was “I am not giving up, this isn’t going to beat me. We will go where ever and get a second opinion”

He remembered me talking about CCRM and ACRM and said we could go there, etc. He said “I will do this as many times as I need to, if they might have a chance to find one sperm”  Sigh.

Later today it hit him again- and he broke down a little. We held each other tight and mourned our loss. He realized now how much he wants this. He wants to have a child and help him/her to do homework- watch movies, go to the beach, etc. He wants to help teach them math, and science stuff (um, he is the smart one in our relationship!!)”  He told me “I am just scared that if we do donor sperm my child will reject me and hate me later”  I didn’t know what to tell him b/c I have had the same fears and questions. How/when do you tell your child he/she is from donor sperm? We do not believe in keeping secret- especially about something like that. For medical reasons (health history), and b/c we believe in up front honesty. I have had things kept from me, and it hurts. We just don’t know how to go about it….

So I did a little googling and found This article– woah.  My heart just stopped when I read that. I do think that is a special case b/c there was NO father in this girl’s life at all. I think she resented that, and had issues with her mother struggling to provide. Does that make it different? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What is making my stomach drop and my breath to leave my chest is realizing I will not get to see what a baby that is half me, and half him would look like. What characteristics would it(they) get from each of us? My nose? My eyes? His hair? His brains? My humor? I am sad that we won’t know what ‘our’ baby will be like. I KNOW, any baby we have will be ‘ours’…but I mean genetically ‘ours’.

It is like we are mourning our children in a way. The ones that will never be. There will be others, and we will be deliriously happy to have them….but….

That just sounds so harsh when I type it out. Sigh.

Oh, of course the scientist part of my super thinking husband has kicked in. “So if a sperm is just 1/2 of my DNA, why can’t they extract some DNA and melt it with your eggs? Why can’t they use my stem cells to create sperm?”  etc. etc. etc. 🙂

I am ready to get home and wallow in my bed and emerse myself with all my DVR’d shows……and practice my deep breathing, exercise and biophysical feedback to get ready for the showers next week. Gah. I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY am hoping I don’t make a spectical of myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The King is now asking me two/three times a day if anyone else has said anything on my blog, and he asked if PCOstory and AzooWho have had their IUI yet, and how they are doing.(husband/wife team that has two separate blogs) 🙂 They are having their IUI, so go over and wish them luck. They have both been wonderfully supportive during all of this for us. My husband is so appreciative that (seemingly) complete strangers care so much. He even said “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to go through the two week wait”  awwww….he is even learning IF lingo!!

G’night all. We have a long drive back home tomorrow, and I get to do it all myself b/c SOMEONE is gets to be drugged to the hilt.

Oh, and I just realized that all this time I have been putting my posts in categories, and not tagging them. DUH!!!

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12 responses to “The Verdict Is In.

  1. Awww. That’s awesome! I handed the iPod over to the hubs as soon as I read that part. The IUI went well. I will be blogging before I go to sleep. Safe travels!

  2. I am so sorry for your heartbreak news. I can tell you from my experience about using donor sperm

    I AM single, and I used anon donor sperm. I did a lot of research beforehand and I can say that every case I found where a child had an issue with being created from donor sperm had one glaring thing in common. The parent had issues with their method. I have seen it time and again, the parent, or parents hid it because they felt shame, or they told but resented it themselves. In EVERY case I have looked at that was the case.

    The cases, and I found many, where the child was really ok with it were the cases where the parent/s were ok with it.

    My son has always known. I started talking about it at length when he was 3 but he grew up knowing the term “donor” from birth.

    He knows his donor is East Indian and we discuss that part of him, honor that culture, he has a knowledge of the music and wears traditional clothing for special occasions.

    He knows I never knew the donor but had a profile and he knows what is on the profile. He also knows there are children with one and two and three and four parents. He knows that some have a mom and dad some have a dad and dad some have an uncle or aunt (like him) or grandparent.

    He recently asked me if his donor was his father and I asked him what made a father. We talked at length about it and he decided his donor was his biological father but not really his father and that who raises him and loves him and is there every day is his mom and aunt.

    Will he have issues when he hits puberty, I cannot say for sure but I think it is unlikely because it is his life, and it is all he has known, and I am so ok with it and so is he.

    He also knows how grateful I am to the donor and how much I admired his profile. How much I adored all it said about him.

    I do make sure he has men in his life but I also am the one who taught him how to use a drill and saw and build stuff and toss a ball and catch a ball. If ever he want to learn something I do not know then we seek out a teacher who does.

    Hope that helps even a little.

    Bleu

  3. HOpe you all arrive safely to your final destination.
    You are a better woman than I. I took a vacation day off of work in order to skip an office shower without looking like a Bia.

  4. I’m sorry for this crap news. We will be using a known donor if the 2nd TESE does not yield any good results. DH has had a much easier time with the known donor.. when we discussed a donor at all he just couldn’t wrap his head around a stranger being the biological father. I think this is something that happens with time and reflection.
    Every blog or article I’ve read about donor sperm.. the couples say that once they pregnant.. it is their baby. period.
    I wish you luck. This is not a fun time at all. But it will get better!
    Please send me your email address so I can send you an article written by a Dad who used donor sperm.

  5. I’m so sorry for this news. Taking time to mourn the genetic children of the two of you is good. I hope you two can soon find peace with your path ahead.

  6. I’m so sorry for the bad news :(. It is truly a really tough thing to consider never having that genetic link to your children. It’s one of the hardest things infertile couple have to deal with, and one of the things fertile people seem to understand the least (hence that whole “why don’t you just adopt?” crap).
    Good luck sifting through all of this in the weeks ahead – and good luck with those showers!
    Thinking of you and Kingman…

  7. I’m so sorry. I was really hoping that you’d have a better answer than that. How is the recovery going?

    It really is mourning the loss of your children, so please take the time you need to do that.

    I actually read an article almost a year ago where they have started creating sperm from stem cells and stuff, but that the infertility world is probably 10 years or more away from that.

    I hope that the drive goes well, and that you can figure out something that will work for you soon.

  8. I’m so sorry for the news you received. I can’t imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking this all must be for you. -hugs-

  9. I’m sorry about the news. All of what you both are feeling is totally valid.

    Have you read “Helping the Stork” or “Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates”? Those two books were EXTREMELY helpful at the beginning stages of our decision-making process to use DS. And I imagine what Bleu mentioned is true — I agree that you need to be totally behind the path you take to parenthood, no matter what it involves, because its a decision that affects a lifetime.

    Thinking of you both…

  10. I am so sorry sweetie. You need to mourn this loss, that is what it is. This is total crap! I wish I was there to give you a big hug! We have talked a lot about the DS thing too. I really hope and pray you two can come to a decision that will make you both happy. Sending love your way!

  11. stoptheworldiwanttogetoff

    Thinking about you…… I have not even once taken off the “hope” necklace you gave me with the slippers from Sock it to me.

  12. flying monkeys

    Gah! I have a lot of catching up to do but I wanted to say I’m so sorry. There’s not supplement or special surgery? I think your fears and sorrow are very valid. I hope you can find peace in there. XOXO
    This entire ride is full of loss. I’m sorry.

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