Bitter Sweet.

I ain’t talking about chocolate either.

As all my infertile friends know- the unique emotions associated with childbirth. When it isn’t our own. OBVIOUSLY. (hardy har har). When someone that is dear to us gives birth, we have such a juxtaposition of emotions. It is so hard to put to words, but I am going to try.   Our hearts are full of love and empty at the same time. Our hearts burst with joy and break with sadness.  We are humbled and envious. We are smiling ear to ear with joy, and seething with anger. We are so proud, yet feel so ashamed.  We are so thankful, but feel the abyss of hopelessness. We are so excited and giddy to see this sweet bundle of love, yet want to crawl into a whole and ignore the world.

We grow confused and betrayed. Of our emotions, our thoughts, our bodies. We get weary of the spectrum of emotions, and want beyond words to get off of the roller coaster. It isn’t even a roller coaster- it is a gosh darn rocket ship. Slated to blast off to outter space and come crashing back down. Sans parachute.

My best friend Miss Sweetness had her baby today. She and I have a friendship  that very very few get to experience in their lifetimes. I met her in college. We got together to study, and were best friends before the night was over. She helped me grow out of my shell from a rough high school period with my family. Taught me that I am not defined by abuse…to love myself.  I learned how to stand up for myself from her. I learned it is okay to be own person, and that it is okay to be late to class. The last one was learned by default b/c she was always late to pick me up to GO to class. LOL. I am blessed to have her as my best friend- I thank God every day for her

*you’re going to like this segway*

I  got drunk for the first time with her- on Boone’s Farms Strawberry…uh, whatever that crap is. Then we somehow ended up with vodka and decided it would be a good idea to do shots before a huge a&p test (we took the class at night). The funny part is that was the best both of us did on a test that entire year. LOL!  Nothing like taking a test with one eye closed to make you ace it.

We were pretty much inseparable until a few years ago when she moved to be near her fiancé, and I went travel nursing. We lived together for a year, and also together when we did a job stint together for 5 months. We worked together at another time- drove an hour each way and had the same schedule. During this time we only had two major fights. In one instance we were okay within hours and we laughed about it instantly. The other took a few hours to get over (as it was alcohol fueled), but we had to drive 44 hours together so we had no choice. That in addition to the fact we didn’t know HOW to be mad at each other.

We always know what the other on is thinking. It is eerie to be honest with you. Her favorite phrase is “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Even during our lives apart now (we live around 7 hours away from each other), we are in tune with each other.

*bear with me* I am really trying to work this all out in my head. The joy, pride, love, anger, hurt, hopelessness.

When she told me she was going to try and get pregnant January of 2009 in the fall of 2009, I thought. Well, I hope she isn’t too overcome with morning sickness to come visit my new baby.  I just KNEW we would be getting pregnant any day. Oh the naivety.

I wrote about my visit to her HERE. For the most part my joy for her has eclipsed any self centered negative emotions I had. She was admitted last and gave birth today at 1022am. My little pseudo nephew is here. Well, 7 hours north of me…but here on terra firma. Okay- here in the atmosphere. LOL. You all know what I mean.  I am so happy for my friend, my best friend. She is a Mommy. My best friend that told me she was pregnant before she told anyone in her family- b/c she knew how much it would hurt. My best friend who is the funniest woman I know. My best friend who, until the last few weeks of her pregnancy, hardly complained a word to me about being pregnant. Even though I knew she was miserable. She didn’t want me to hurt.

Now she is a Mommy, and I can’t help but wish it was me. I can’t help but feel the emptiness. I am so guilty and feel so selfish. This day isn’t’ about mine or The King’s physical shortcomings. It is about her beautiful new Monkey.

Ironically I have my THIRD IF support group tomorrow night, so I can’t go up there to see him. My 3rd group, that I have pretty much figured out no one is ever going to come to. I can’t go see my best friend’s new baby b/c I have to be their for a freakin’ IF support group. That consists of ONE. MOI!

I know as soon as I see that precious little baby these feelings will start to be dissolved- well as least as far as she goes. My joy, pride, and happiness with again eclipse my worthlessness and despair.

Until then….where is the fucking wine?


7 responses to “Bitter Sweet.

  1. ((hugs)) You described the mix of emotions perfectly. I hope you get to go visit soon and that the feelings of happiness are much more prominent than any sadness.

  2. Love you girl. I hear you on what you’re saying. Even from where I am, I find myself thinking nasty thoughts about other couples in the baby store, thinking “you just don’t get how lucky you guys are.”

  3. Hey L –
    It is hard to be us. It is hard to be our friend. It is.

    My Bestie gave birth to her perfect little daughter last September. We lived next door when we were little, and now live less than a mile from each other. It has been so amazing to watch her grow as a mother and watch her little daughter grow too. But I’d be lying to say it hasn’t been hard. for me. for her. for us. it is.

    The emotions are complicated, and constantly shifting, but this is our life. You are going to be a wonderful Auntie!

  4. I will have a glass for you! Luckily all of my friends had their babies before we got on the IF road, but I amdealing with every sibling having babies within a year yippee! Where’s the wine indeed.

  5. I have your glass of wine right here! Big hugs to you, hun. I know you are torn apart inside.


  6. I’m so sorry sweetie. A friend of mine summed it up one time as “I’m happy for them, but sad for us.” My BF has a four year old. I was so sure we would be raising kids of the same age.

    Live is so cruel sometimes. I hope you aren’t the only on at the meeting!

    Hugs to you!

  7. I tried twice to start a group in my area–and I was always the only one. Stinks.
    Sending you supportive hugs–I know its hard to be happy for someone you are so close to while feeling an ache.

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