Purgatory


So here I sit. One week into the DREADED 2ww (two week wait).

Going

out

of

my

mind.

I am trying hard not to obsess. My best friend Miss Sweetness made me promise that I wouldn’t obsess…easier said than done huh? I POAS the first few days and it was positive from the HCG, and then it was negative. I quit testing after that. It is extremely hard not to- I actually put the 18 that I have in trunk of my car.

I had to- or I knew I would POAS each and every morning. HA HA

That isn’t stopping the constant analysis.  Cramping…lots of cramping. It is worse in the wee hours of the morning- like 4am. This in and of itself isn’t anything new. I have uterine cramping all through the month. The King asked if it was normal period cramping…uh. Anyone that has endometriosis knows there is no “normal” cramping.

That said, I am STILL feeling tender on my right side that had the big follicle. What does that mean? Who the heck knows- or will ever know- but that doesn’t stop my obsessing.

I have had crazy GI issues- but then again, I am eating more veggies. Gah.

Anyhoodle.  Other than that, life has been pretty boring. I am going to post a secret PWP post with some pictures 0n our dIUI#1.

Miss Sweetness gave me some books. Feed the Belly and the Mayo Clinic’s Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. It is pretty interesting reading. ESPECIALLY since the Feed the Belly book says that if you eat dry cereal you have a 5% higher rate of having a boy. Really? Humm…I thought the gender was determined by the X or Y chromosome that the sperm brought to the party. I could be wrong though. 

How is the not working going? Coupled with my first IUI 2ww?  Yeah- pretty much sucks ass.  Also the ass suckage is expounded by the fact I am not taking my Wellbutrin anymore….or my Ambien. To my credit, I only took the Ambien 2 to 3 times a week…but I tend to get in a vicious insomnia cycle. So exhausted that I can’t sleep. Then my anxiety kicks in. Last night I had my first insomnia/anxiety night…ugh. I lay there in bed and this is what my mind is saying:

“Why can’t I just go to sleep?Why do I still not have a bed frame? I am never going to find one. I found one, but dont’ want to spend a grand on it. I can’t believe we have lived here a year and still haven’t fixed the audio in this room. Or bought furniture. Or a dining room table. How are we ever going to afford all that if we are about to buy another vehicle. I dont’ want a $500 a month car payment- why does he want a new car? How are we going to sell this house? Another house in this subdivision has been on the market for 6 months. We can’t afford that and then move and pay for two houses. I want to move, but dont’ want to leave my friends here…okay, so I really only have two close friends here. Why can’t I get my house in order? I have to scan my receipts scanned into my Neat Receipts system. Are we going to owe taxes? Did I donate enough to get a tax deduction? Why haven’t I called the financial planner yet? Am I making the right decision by not working? I want to get more into church and have peace again. Is God going to spite me b/c I am not as active in fellowship as people think I should be? I believe in you God, I love you. I worship you, and trust you completely…but just hate hypocrisy of most churches………”

All the while, the thoughts racing more and more in my mind. The anxiety pressing down on my chest. During the light of day I KNOW these things are not worth all the lost sleep over….but in the dark of the night my worries are all-consuming.

SO- what do I do during the day? Enter in all my spices and items in my pantry into SuperCooks. I love that site. You enter in all your stuff and it generates what recipes you can make, and if there is receipt that needs one or two more ingredients it will suggest them also.  It pulls from different recipe sites, but my favorite is All Recipes. They have a virtual recipe box that you can keep your recipes. I have made a lot of great things off of there- and the reviews give lots of ideas to tweak the recipes to suit you. You can print then out full page, 3×5 or 4×6, and choose which reviews to print to help you remember the alternatives.

Apparently I can make 2000+ things from just what I have in my kitchen. Crazy huh?

Okay…so doncha hate DVRs when they cut off the preview? Watching Bones and I get “…and Booth will experience something that will change everyth-”

AAAAHHHHHH!

Seriously- I just cried over Bones being on the Science Dude. WTF? My body is certainly acting premenstrual. Grrrr.

Have I mentioned that 2ww suck donkey balls?

Well, it does.

Apparently right now

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6 responses to “Purgatory

  1. Yeah, 2ww can really mess with your head.

    Have you looked into meditation? It is a way to train your mind to calm down. Centering prayer is one group which does it, Quakers also have silent services. Centering prayer could work for you, as it gives your mind something to focus on other than the anxiety producing thoughts.
    Just a thought, take it for what it worth.

  2. I would be tempted to test every day, too – that’s brilliant about putting them in your trunk :).
    I hope the next week goes quicker for you!

  3. I know just how NOT funny all those crazy swirling thoughts are, but YOU CRACK ME UP! You have awesome anxiety thoughts. and I’d love to come over so that you can cook me some dinner with all that food you are hoarding!

    I was also laying awake last night, thinking about a gazillion things. :0

    Meditation seems to intensify my anxiety, but I am going to buy the Circle Bloom audio. Have you thought about that?

    xoxo- Foxy

  4. Hang in there. I know how bad that sucks, been there 5 times. Keep your head up… We are still wishing for the best for you guys.

  5. Love you too pieces girl! You are going to get through this. 🙂

  6. i stopped reading after cramping, because the cramping you describe is THE cramping i had when i got preg with my twins. *hoping!!!*
    xoxo
    lis

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