So It Begins.

The waiting. The anticipation. The frustration. The tears. The hopefulness. The futile fucking hope.

I have not tested, but I don’t need to. I know. I know my body-unless my uterus is pranking me with the most UNCOOL Halloween joke ever. You know how the Natives would put their ear to ground and hear/feel the hoof beats of upcoming frienemies? I feel Auntie Fucking Flo coming. I feel the slight tremors of pebbles on the ground, the unsettled feeling of ‘just knowing’.  Just  Call me Bumpy “Cries Over Flo” Journey.

I told The King last night that felt my period coming- the low backache like I lifted something wrong. The aching in my thighs, the *TMI* painful poop shooter, the Mt. Vesuvius on my chin, emotional liability. All harbingers of some thing most foul. I cried hysterical cries almost. I don’t think he has ever seen that before. It was to the point were he asked me if we needed to go to the ER. (HAHAHAHA) I had to shut it down least I made him think I was unsuitable to go through this again. I was good, I got it out.

Until this AM. See- every morning he kisses me good-bye. Every day. The TWO times in our life we haven’t he has called and apologized. I love this- it is starting our day out right. We always kiss goodbye and goodnight. We always say I love you. Since the IUI he has been kissing my belly (I had to redirect him after the first few days b/c it was just weird for him to be kissing my small bowel.) The first few days he would text me “How is the morula?” Then How is Blasto?”  then “How is our Embaby?” Also kissing me and our “growing” family.

This morning he only kissed me.

Broke. My. Heart.


13 responses to “So It Begins.

  1. Oh sweetie I am sorry for the roller coaster you’re on. I’m still keeping hope for you.

    And what a sweet husband you have.


  2. I love you. I know this has to be hard, but I’ve never tried to get pregnant, so I can’t even imagine. (Who knows? We may be in the same boat!) I’m sure he’s dealing with his own confusing emotions as well. Just don’t let this drive a wedge between you guys. You need to make it through this, no matter the outcome. If you don’t have each other, did you only love each other for the possibilities the future could bring? Remember why you guys fell in love and be sure and celebrate that every day. It will happen exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I really believe it will. And, you guys are going to be stellar parents. &=)

    You’re in my prayers every, single day. I LOVE YOU!!! XOXOXOXOXOXO

  3. Oh girl. Your sweet husband will be beside you, even if you go batshit crazy! I am holding out hope for you still, but I’m so sorry for the hurt you’re in.

  4. Oh man, those last couple lines almost made me cry :(. I’m really sorry that Aunt Flo is coming. I really wish she wouldn’t, that somehow there is still hope…
    Thinking of you.

  5. Listen to Dory, dear girl, but please don’t go bat shit crazy on us!

    It is going to be okay, I’ve decided that recently. We signed up for 4 iui’s and an ivf. I have full permission to FREAK out when we get to the end of that path and I’m still not pregnant. (I mean, we don’t need permission to lose it, but you know what I mean.)

    Thinking about you. and looking forward to cycling with you again next month. okay?

  6. I really hope you are wring and AF is not coming, but I guess we sometimes just know.
    Hang in there, infertility is such a horrible rollercoaster. Xx

  7. Hang in there. I know it is hard. One of the hardest aspects of the TWW is that pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS symptoms. It is not fair, especially for those of us who do not trust our bodies.

    Hoping you are wrong, though. When I finally got pregnant, I was sure that it did not take, and I was mentally gearing up for an FET. I felt nothing out of the ordinary. And then they called with the beta. It does not have to be over until you see red, or the beta comes back. Just saying. I hope you are wrong.

  8. That broke my heart for you. 😦

  9. oi. I just wish I could reach through this screen to hug you. (I’m trying!) I have been eagerly waiting for your post and I wish it was a picture of a +hpt (as I am sure you do to).

    I am so sorry you feel flo coming.

    Loads of love and hugs coming your way!

  10. Not to blow sunshine, Bumpy, but you know that when you are in fact pregnant, it feels just like AF is coming… At least, that’s how it felt for me. I totally thought I was getting my period, and then whoa – the faintest of faint lines on the FRER. So take a breath. It ain’t over ’til it’s truly over. I’m holding you and your sweet husband in my thoughts, and holding out hope, even when I know you can’t.

  11. Oh I’m so sorry for you. every month is such emotional torture.

    you deserve a good body-wracking sobfest.

  12. Any news yet? I have been away from the blogs, I will blog about it tonight. Keep heart, it’s not over till it’s over, as they say.

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