I went to a baby showerh yesterday for my husband’s office manager. Back last fall I found out that she and another girl in his office were pregnant….on the same day. Well, I found out they were pregnant on the same day- not that they got pregnant on the same day. Although that would be a pretty cool story to tell. LOL.
I cried and cried and cried. I shied away and found reasons to no go up to his office. For the first time he felt the pain and admitted to me “This just isn’t fair”. I found this out after our first failed IUI. It hurt so bad. So bad.
One of the girls is due the end of april, and the other is due the middle of July- about two weeks before me. It is crazy. Poor Kingman can’t get away from pregnancy hormones!!!
After I found out about our BFP I still avoided his office. I didn’t want to breakdown in a nervous fit of worry with their questions. If I don’t want confrontation I Just avoid the issue or situation. I didn’t want questions or stares at my belly. We were not telling until 11-12 weeks anyways. Avoid avoid avoid!
I have been up there a few times since we ‘came out’ but I feel like a kid playing make believe. An imposter.
On Friday at the baby shower I felt stuck. The feelings of emptiness, longing, fear, frustration kept flooding my mind. These are a few of the emotions I can name that I have felt over the last few years of baby showers. WHY dear God was I feeling them? I am pregnant for cripes sake.
Why did I feel uncomfortable everytime I answered questions or talked about my pregnancy? I should have felt at home…with other preggos and mothers.
Try as i might I just don’t feel like I fit in. I am not truely like them. No matter how many children I have, I will identify myself more as an Infertile.
I am okay with that, I just wish it didn’t have to be. For me- or anyone. It is just freaking unfair. Even in my happiness there is melancholy. Le Sigh.