The Other Side

I went to a baby showerh yesterday for my husband’s office manager. Back last fall I found out that she and another girl in his office were pregnant….on the same day. Well, I found out they were pregnant on the same day- not that they got pregnant on the same day. Although that would be a pretty cool story to tell. LOL.

I cried and cried and cried. I shied away and found reasons to no go up to his office. For the first time he felt the pain and admitted to me “This just isn’t fair”. I found this out after our first failed IUI. It hurt so bad. So bad.

One of the girls is due the end of april, and the other is due the middle of July- about two weeks before me. It is crazy. Poor Kingman can’t get away from pregnancy hormones!!!

After I found out about our BFP I still avoided his office. I didn’t want to breakdown in a nervous fit of worry with their questions. If I don’t want confrontation I Just avoid the issue or situation. I didn’t want questions or stares at my belly. We were not telling until 11-12 weeks anyways. Avoid avoid avoid!

I have been up there a few times since we ‘came out’ but I feel like a kid playing make believe. An imposter.

On Friday at the baby shower I felt stuck. The feelings of emptiness, longing, fear, frustration kept flooding my mind. These are a few of the emotions I can name that I have felt over the last few years of baby showers. WHY dear God was I feeling them? I am pregnant for cripes sake.
Why did I feel uncomfortable everytime I answered questions or talked about my pregnancy? I should have felt at home…with other preggos and mothers.

Try as i might I just don’t feel like I fit in. I am not truely like them. No matter how many children I have, I will identify myself more as an Infertile.

I am okay with that, I just wish it didn’t have to be. For me- or anyone. It is just freaking unfair. Even in my happiness there is melancholy. Le Sigh.


10 responses to “The Other Side

  1. I swear to you, I felt the EXACT same way during the beginning of my pregnancy. I STILL feel uncomfortable talking about being pregnant. I feel like such a bitch, because I brush people off who ask how I’m feeling and I hate when people touch or talk about my belly. But seriously, I spent an entire year of my life trying to avoid pregnant bellies and the baby aisle at Target, and you can’t just turn around from all that pain. Getting a bfp doesn’t mean instantly forgetting all the hurt it took to get here. So… don’t feel bad if you don’t feel like celebrating anybody else’s pregnancy, and even if you feel weird about your own. I think it makes sense, it’s logical. But you’re right… it’s NOT fair. It wasn’t fair that we had to go through this in the first place, and it’s still not fair that even after we are finally successful we can’t be bubbly and excited like everyone else is. Just keep writing about it here… we’re here for you, and we understand!

  2. In same ways, I wish that motherhood will erase all the pain of IF and return to me that joy and happiness I used to have when thinking of babies and pregnancy…but then I realize that there’s just no way to get rid of all of the emotional baggage. Infertility is too intense, and the scars will remain with us for a long, long time.

  3. Honey, I still feel that way and still get anxious at showers and with announcements, and we are no longer actively TTC and have Bobby and Maya turning our hair gray! I somehow dont think this ever goes away…

  4. I completely agree. (le sigh!)

    I don’t think I felt like I was ‘really’ pregnant until about 32 weeks. Seriously. I felt like an imposter too. And even though I have the girls, I still feel very anxious when anyone announces a pregnancy. infertility sucks.

  5. I hate hearing that ANYONE isn’t able to enjoy their pregnancy. It’s so sad that after all infertiles go through, they STILL can’t relax once they get the BFP. So sorry you are going through all of this. 😦 I hope your able to celebrate soon!

  6. I know that feeling…it sucks! You think you’ve conquered it, but your battle scars are still there. I still sometimes feel like I’m an impostor mom, and my daughter is almost 17 months old!

    You will be able to enjoy though….soon…but you’ll always carry a bit of that pain.

  7. I know what you mean – even when I was heavily pregnant, i still felt like an imposter! Other pregnant women were so confident. They never questioned that they’d bring a baby home, even if they didn’t show yet. It seemed so unthinkable to me! They planned nurseries and made breast feeding plans before they even made it to the second trimester! Even after she was born, it still seemed like we were pretending and someone was eventually come and get Davie and take her back.

    The everlasting scars of IF. We are marked forever.

  8. Big, big hugs!!!

  9. Three years since my son was born and infertility still stings! Wish I could say that it gets better…maybe once we’re out of our childbearing years?

  10. Hubby and I have been TTC for 2.5 years… recurrent miscarriage in our first year, and no pregnancies in the last year and a half. A little while ago I was reading Conquering Infertility and it spoke of a woman, who after having her babies, still was SO resentful and angry to women who got pregnant easily. I honestly think, even if we do have children… that will be me. This has just changed me so much, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel that “OH good for you for not having to go through this hell that tears you apart!” I feel like silently, I’ll still always think “You, b****.” I hope it’s not the case, but it kills me that so many women/couples don’t even understand what IF is! One woman once told me she knew *exactly* what I was feeling because it took her 4 months to conceive her baby boy. Seriously? Ugh…

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