Category Archives: Infertility

The Verdict Is In.

The UroGod didn’t call yesterday with the results of the testicular biopsy. We understand, The King being a doc and all. We know how busy it can be on a Friday.

So we didn’t keep our phones nearby today- what doctor calls on Saturday?!?!  At 1030 The King noticed a missed call, and realized it was the UroGod calling with the biopsy results. OMGOMGOMG.

Results: Biopsy showed sertoli cells only- no germ cells. The UroGod said we won’t ever know if this is a part of the Prune Belly, secondary infertility, or because of the fact that his testicles were descended at age 6. (that was the recommendation in the late 70s, now they recommend by age 3)

He painted a grim picture about any chance of The King biologically fathering a child. He didn’t think any medicines would help with sperm production. Sigh.

We knew this was probably the case, but it sucks when you hear it so definite. Blah.

The King’s reaction at first was “I am not giving up, this isn’t going to beat me. We will go where ever and get a second opinion”

He remembered me talking about CCRM and ACRM and said we could go there, etc. He said “I will do this as many times as I need to, if they might have a chance to find one sperm”  Sigh.

Later today it hit him again- and he broke down a little. We held each other tight and mourned our loss. He realized now how much he wants this. He wants to have a child and help him/her to do homework- watch movies, go to the beach, etc. He wants to help teach them math, and science stuff (um, he is the smart one in our relationship!!)”  He told me “I am just scared that if we do donor sperm my child will reject me and hate me later”  I didn’t know what to tell him b/c I have had the same fears and questions. How/when do you tell your child he/she is from donor sperm? We do not believe in keeping secret- especially about something like that. For medical reasons (health history), and b/c we believe in up front honesty. I have had things kept from me, and it hurts. We just don’t know how to go about it….

So I did a little googling and found This article– woah.  My heart just stopped when I read that. I do think that is a special case b/c there was NO father in this girl’s life at all. I think she resented that, and had issues with her mother struggling to provide. Does that make it different? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What is making my stomach drop and my breath to leave my chest is realizing I will not get to see what a baby that is half me, and half him would look like. What characteristics would it(they) get from each of us? My nose? My eyes? His hair? His brains? My humor? I am sad that we won’t know what ‘our’ baby will be like. I KNOW, any baby we have will be ‘ours’…but I mean genetically ‘ours’.

It is like we are mourning our children in a way. The ones that will never be. There will be others, and we will be deliriously happy to have them….but….

That just sounds so harsh when I type it out. Sigh.

Oh, of course the scientist part of my super thinking husband has kicked in. “So if a sperm is just 1/2 of my DNA, why can’t they extract some DNA and melt it with your eggs? Why can’t they use my stem cells to create sperm?”  etc. etc. etc. 🙂

I am ready to get home and wallow in my bed and emerse myself with all my DVR’d shows……and practice my deep breathing, exercise and biophysical feedback to get ready for the showers next week. Gah. I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY am hoping I don’t make a spectical of myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The King is now asking me two/three times a day if anyone else has said anything on my blog, and he asked if PCOstory and AzooWho have had their IUI yet, and how they are doing.(husband/wife team that has two separate blogs) 🙂 They are having their IUI, so go over and wish them luck. They have both been wonderfully supportive during all of this for us. My husband is so appreciative that (seemingly) complete strangers care so much. He even said “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to go through the two week wait”  awwww….he is even learning IF lingo!!

G’night all. We have a long drive back home tomorrow, and I get to do it all myself b/c SOMEONE is gets to be drugged to the hilt.

Oh, and I just realized that all this time I have been putting my posts in categories, and not tagging them. DUH!!!

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Troopers seriously MIA.

UroGod is done. He said the testicles were homogeneous….all tissue the same…..zero sperm found. Biopsy sent to lab/embyrologist(?) to see if they find anything.

The troopers never made it through boot camp. Hell, they never signed up after passing the ASFAB….They ignored the calls and decided to backpack through Europe…..sigh.

I think we are going to have to call in support from a NATO Nation. Sigh

This is really happening. This hurts so bad.

Epiphany

If you are here from ICLW– click HERE for my welcome post to get to know me. Come back to this..or end up there….whatever puffs your skirt is fine with me. 🙂

Holy crud. I am a dork. I am about to post a comment I made on Maybe Baby’s blog(pls read it to know why I made this comment…and comment on it yourself on her blog)….I just wanted to share. If you are one of my pregnant friends…don’t dispair….read my addendum at the end.

Just another reason why IF suckeths. I am sorry for you loss. {{HUGS}} I think that this is a normal feeling- and if I was the person you followed, I would understand. There is a fine fault line between you and the IF blogger friend that has jumped to the other side. It just is. You can be happy for them, but that “something” is always there. Whether it is jealously, regret, pain from a loss, apathy, anger, etc…it exists simply because our fertility dynamics are different from the ‘general population’ of non-IFers. It just is.
I embrace it. recognize it. accept it.
I still love. I still try and hope for the best…but deep down know it can be snatched away- for all of us it has been from the beginning. Phew. Sorry for the length of this
.”
Thus said Lorza on Maybe Baby’s Kate the Cynic post.

Okay- all my pregger blogger buddies. Don’t freak out b/c you think I am angry at YOU. I am absolutely am NOT! I think the “something” that I feel is frustration. Frustration that our process is taking so long- frustration that our insurance doesn’t cover it. I some of this stems from the fact that I haven’t done one cycle yet in the almost ONE YEAR since we have started the IVF process….this year doesn’t even count the time since we chucked the BCPs and Condoms(bwwwaaaa ha ha ha…WTF?! Why did we use those?)

SweetPea– I am over the moon for you. You have been through so much in your journey. I would NEVER change that for all the babies in the world…..that would be a lot of diapers. LOL! You know what I mean.

Chelle– You rock. Your precious girls are in my thoughts many times a day. I am inspired by your strength and endurance.

NoSwimmers– What can I say. You rock. You are hilarious. Your girls are watching over Sherbie– and your journey has been long and bumpy to say the least.

What If– Holy crap you are 23w3d with triplets..and still working. You got pregnant one cycle after a BFN cycle. I am amazed.

Christina– Your struggles where such a strain on your marriage for a while- you have triumphed. You posted just today about how your journey has shaped and the timing of your long awaited pregnancy. I love following your story- and am glad I have met you out here in cyberland.

Mr.Shelby– Your male perspective is a huge help to me. You put that other side of the story out there….to help me realize how this affects you as the male in different ways. Your current post about how you are going to tell Baby G’s story at your shower is amazing. Inspiring.

okay….what is funny, is that I have many more girls/and MEN that I follow that are now pregnant. I don’t want to leave anyone out- but for time’s sake I have to. Well, in the case of the men, their wives are pregnant. Most I started following BEFORE they got pregnant. Most had BFN before their current pregnancies. A few had losses. I have cried, laughed, cheered out load for these friends. I still follow all of the blogs- and I will always leave them in my google reader. These are my people now. My lifeline.

but. that fault line is still there- for the reasons I stated in my re post of the comment above.

It just is. It is the nature of this beast called IF. I wouldn’t change a thing b/c it is who I am. (okay, LIE- I would make my husband and I scared to look at each other b/c that would result in a BFP….so fertile our erotic dreams would get me pregnant…so fertile I had to wear gloves to do the laundry…but you know what I mean)

That is it. I am done. Soap box shoved aside for the next person to climb aboard.

Please visit my friends above- these are a FEW of the people I admire and are cheering for. I can’t wait until the next batch of my friends jump over that fault line.

It Smacks Ya Out of the BLUE

I am pretty okay with my infertility. Even before I met my husband I knew I would have trouble. I was told when I was around 24 that I needed to have a kid by 30 or I would have issues getting (endo) PG and staying PG (bad cervix)…I got married at 30…..now a bit older..and STILL WORKING ON IT.

I have known since about 24 it would be struggle. I didn’t know I would marry some one with his own issues. I feel like I was made for him. I am okay with his medical problems. God prepped me for our struggles almost a decade ago.

I don’t cry when my friends have babies…and then have a second baby. I do okay at baby showers. I can by bibs, booties and toys.

I do okay with all the Facebook pictures and mobile uploads.

until- out of the blue I read an update…to paraphrase…

“My baby just said MaMa for the first time. What the most wonderful thing for a woman to experience- even better than the day I found out I was PG (and I didn’t even see that one coming”

for some reason this has set me off this morning. I need to be getting ready for work, and I can’t. I can’t stop crying. I am all fair and blue eyed- so I know people will see it at work. I have cried off three make touch-ups. I had to get on here and GET THIS OUT.

I am happy for my friend, but my heart is so empty right now. It literally hurts. I wish I didn’t have to “see” my pregnancy coming. I wish I didn’t have to worry about tests, and days, dates, and money. I wish I could have a surprise in my pregnancy. The only surprise will be IF I get pregnant….and if I STAY pregnant. That is just so fucking unfair.

My surprise will come in form of how much more than expected will I have to pay. How many dildo cams must I endure. How many eggs retrieved, will I develop OHSS, will they find any sperm in my husband’s T’s. Will those sperms fertilize my eggs. Will we get any embryos? Will the divide? Will they implant? Will I miscarry?

The one GOOD surprise I am looking forward to is finding out at birth what sex our baby will be. That is it. That is all I have- everything else is just holding your breath to hope the worst doesn’t happen.

IT JUST SUX.

What really sucks is that Loreal 16hour Infallible foundation IS NOT!!! UGH.

I just seriously hope no patient bitches b/c they have been waiting for 15 minutes to see the doctor. I may just open a bitter can of bitch about a REAL WAIT!!

I would call in, but I am working for someone that has the flu. Flu A. Probably the swine flu, but we don’t test for it anymore since most Flu As are swine flu

Wash your hands people. It is making a resurgence. We had about 20 Influenza A cases this weekend.

Vent over. Now proceed to your regularly scheduled program. 🙂

Ding Dang…DAMMIT.

Okay, this is going to be a work in progress- will be LONG ONE. I am drinking a glass of wine, despite what I read about on Murgdan’s Blog about being off the junk. I really should go pour it down the drain….but I just can’t. Not like I am going to cycle any DAMN time soon. For those coming from ICLW or for the first time- go here to read about me- and update I did at the beginning of ICLW. Thanks!

This is will contain TMI..if you don’t like TMI type info. DON’T READ! Click off- bounce away! Lots of other blogs to read here. If you like a good story of a frustrated TTC-er. Carry on this is long one. Sorry.

I have been back on BCPs for a month for increasing pelvic pain,nausea, bowel issues, 40+ day cycles…..etc- endo related (we assumed). Roll around this month…and I started with extreme bloating/nausea/pelvic pain, etc…..on CD 18!!! For those in the know. I normally OVULATE on day flippin 23 to 27. So, roll CD28 I start my period. After 10 long days of agony. I take the placebo, and I don’t think I should have. It just kept getting worse.

I am currently CD 6 and STILL having pain. I took my antibiotics for a UTI, then went in for a cath culture with my urologist…well, the nurse actually. No news on that so far. When I was working out I noticed pain localizing in my right ovary area. I thought it might be my cyst coming back so I called up my new Grand PoBah OB/Gyn..and ended up having to drive 30 minutes to a satellite office to see a NP instead. I am totally okay with that- they got me in the next day so I can’t complain. Nurse Practitioners rock.

So I went for the exam yesterday. She didn’t see anything…but O.M.G. the pain. She did a speculum exam and I thought I was going to croak. I am back THERE. THERE is the place where when anything gets near my vajayjay I cry. I don’t understand how endo can flare so fast, and so ruthlessly. I am just at a loss.

Before I had my first laproscopy laser removal/D&C/hysteroscopy I was THERE. I had developed an aversion to sex. Granted I was single…but HECK, I was SINGLE!!! I was 23, 24 PRIME of my life! It was horrible. I don’t want to be THERE again.

I got off on the wrong foot with the NP- or rather she did with me. She underestimated by knowledge of endo, AND of my body….and of all things medical. She started to spin me the “it is probably just stress, but we will get an US if it will make you feel better. Hopefully insurance will still cover it” I honestly HELD up my hand and said Ms. TeddyBear (honestly she looks like one), I am a nurse, I am VERY familiar with my conditions. I am TTC, awaiting ICSI. I KNOW something is wrong. This is not normal pain. To her credit she sat back down and REALLLY started talking and listening to me. That is why I like NPs. They were nurses at some point….and most remember how to be a nurse still. They care. We are cut from the same cloth. I might be red plaid…and she gingham, but we have a common ground.

SO, I went in today and had the ultrasound. O.M.G 2.0 (heh, heh) I had forGOT to take any ibuprofen for the 8am US, and I have paid for it all day. It was fucking miserable. The tech couldn’t find my left ovary (even asked me if I still had it). She mashed, and twisted and pressed and pretty much tied the damn thing in a knot in my happy hole like a cherry stem in a sorority gal’s mouth at a frat party. I almost passed out twice- complete with cold chills, high pitched ringing, and the tech grabbing me a wash cloth WHILST FORGETTING THE DAMN DILDO CAM IN MY HAPPY HOLE! Talk about a calamity of errors. There was a student US tech watching and she was kinda like..um, useless. When I was abandoned on the table, legs clattering off the stirrups, mumbling “I am okay, I am okay, I am okay”- the student said “do you want me to go get Ms. TeddyBear?” I remember thinking “GET THE DAMN DILDO CAM OFF MY CERVIX!!!” If that is 1/10 the pain of labor…can I get an epidural at 32 weeks?

Okay….TOLD you guys this was long. After much cervical bleeding prodding she found my left ovary behind some bowel. WTF?!?!?!? Anyone heard of ovaries hiding behind bowel? I wonder what that is going to mean as far as ER?
My ovaries look great, no cysts (WTF 2.0), or other stuff.

Enter Ms. TeddyBear. She basically said it is my endo flaring up, and it is basically DEAL WITH IT. I am already on BCPs– although not with period suppression. I need to call tomorrow to see if I can do that. Then she said “the next step is Lupron Depot” Um. how about NO! I want to get pregnant in the mid- near future. Not wait a year. Then she said the next step would be another lap. Ugh. I can’t believe I am here. THERE is now HERE. HERE sucks.

I am frustrated, dejected, sad…and most of all in pain. After the episode in the US room- I am so tender. It hurts to sit down, sex will not exist for at least a week or so…or more b/c it just plain hurts. I know my body- it takes so long to heal. It used to hurt SO bad during little tiny paps. I get so embarrassed and don’t say anything-but for the longest I had a doctor that knew how much it hurt me. He would use the little child size speculum and scrape as gently as he could.

I would bleed for 4 or 5 days period type flow from my cervix after paps. I am JUST not normal. He said I had endo implanted on the section that is the cervix on the outside, and my cul de sac was full of it. That is why my cervix is crazy. After my lap and lupron shots before it got better. They last 5 years or so I never felt the paps. Speculum/digital exams were just like all my friends used to talk about. NO BIGGIE.

Now they are huge.

I hate it.

So where I stand now is just pain, BCPs, and wait for the next step. According to THIS I am a 5-6 depending on motrin dosage and if I can lead forward and brace my stomach.
OH……and not that this post wasn’t long enough….I have a second opinion lined up the day we go for my husband’s big wig Urology appointment. I called that hospital’s IVF department to talk prices (they are academic), and it is CRAZY cheaper. Like almost 2500 cheaper. Um, sign me up!
So that day we are also going to meet with different RE- one 4 hours from home. BUT only 45 minutes from my mom’s house. We will tour the facilities. I have already talked to the embryologist there when I had a question about freezing and transferring King.mans troops. I talked to that Doc for almost 25 minutes. I love him. The nurse was talking about how she is thinking of starting a B and B with her husband for IVFers from out of town with her ’empty nest’ rooms. They all seem super nice, and very talkative.

Crazy huh? The only down side is that there are two docs up there (REs) that see pts. One is Dr.G and I actually saw him before when I thought I wanted higher care for my endo in 2005. 5 minutes into the history he explained that he didn’t prescribe Lortab for endo. Kept going on about that. I never went back b/c of it. I don’t take narcotics unless I have surgery, and I don’t appreciate you NOT listening to what I am REALLY saying. I wanted BCPs as my RX had run out. NOT narcotics. Narcotics don’t stop the endo. BCPs do. He was kind of an ass.

I don’t have an appt. with him, but with another Doc. Phew. Hopefully my chart is purged anyways. heh, heh, heh.

PHEW. If you have made it this long, you all deserve a cookie. I don’t have any, but Kym and her hubby are cooking up ideas! Check it out here!

I also passed out Amish Friendship Bread to all my loyal and new viewers…okay, so I just passed out the RECIPE for the starter. It is TOTALLY work it. Check it out.

Thank you for caring enough to read this far. I really do appreciate it. I can’t believe I got this all out in one post.

can’t.keep.up.

Anyone ever feel like a college freshman around thanksgiving when you miss a few days of reading blogs? That coupled with the fact that it is ICLW I am drowning here!!!!! I was out of town for almost a week, and didn’t all my blogs like I normally do- apparently I follow a lot.

I get home yesterday, pass out and think “I will have a great day tomorrow bloggin‘” Totally didn’t realize that something died in my fridge (strawberries), clothes needed to be washed, houses to be hunted (I am currently using a bazooka, but if anyone has any better hints- LET ME KNOW)..and the list goes on and on.

phew.

Day after tomorrow King.man goes in for his a.n.al Ul.tra.sound. woo hoooo. I wish he could take something-but alas he has to go back to work after he is done. I don’t know how much work he will be getting done….but that is another blog (like Thursday).

I feel that I am going to have to call and get back on BCPs until something is decided as far as a cycle. My periods are going crazy again- this last was was 43 days!

(TMI to follow)
I was bloated, tender,psycho, nauseated, had the IBS constipation/diarrhea pendulum, painful sex for about a week and half before AF arrived. (basically PMS Gone Wild…Spring Break Edition) This is not cool. I fear the endo is reeking havoc again. I felt a lot of pain somewhere around mid cycle in my RLQ(right lower quad.)- tender to touch very specifically…exact pain as when I had a resolving hemorrhagic cyst before. Of course it happened on a Friday, and was gone before Monday..and I WAS NOT going to the ER unless I was dying. So I don’t‘ know what is going on.
All I know is this CAN’T be my normal any longer. I will go crazy.

Much love.

I COM WE LEAV Day 1

Helllllooooo ladies! Welcome to another lovely month of comments- my second, and it starts with me out of town. I am currently typing really fast so I can make it down to breakfast before 1030. 🙂

I am a 30 something gal that is fighting several battles in my quest to have a child. I have endometriosis– pretty extensive, although never given a grade. My DH (King.man) has Azoo.sperm.ia. Yippe. Under timeline tab at the top I have a greater detailed timeline for the extremely curious lot of you.

We are out of town right now for my husbands work (I tag along and sight see), and fly home tomorrow. (BOOO HOOO..well…I AM ready to get to my own tub so I can try out my new LUSH purchases. hee hee).

I have friends that live here in Chic.ago- they are coming up again today to stay the night. We went last night to a Blac.khawks hockey game. They lost in shootout OT. Ugh. Every team I watch in person loses. Cub.s, Blackh.awks, Steel.ers, B.raves….Maybe I should go watch the Patriots during playoffs. :).

I will post more later about my adventures…and my dreams. Staying here has given me some REALLY crazy dreams.