Tag Archives: azoospermia

Why Can’t I Come Up With Good Titles?

um, I wrote a long azz post about the two baby showers I did last weekend, and I have no clue where it is. Not in drafts- not on my IRL blog (THANK THE GOOD LORD), it has vanished!

UGH! I am so disgusted I can’t even think straight. I wrote forev-ah on that fricker. I promise I will come back and do it again. I would hate to make you all keep hitting refresh to see if I have posted. LOL! ūüėõ¬†¬†¬†¬† as if.

Today was a pretty good day…well if you like hot, muggy, rainy, migraine inducing thunderstomy, premenstrual, supposed to be having friends over but they can’t, husband worked until 6pm anyways kind of days ūüôā

Obviously my Memorial Day was spent alone. I supposed that is fitting since the reason for it isn’t for BBQs and beer with friends- it is for the troops that have kept us safe and guarantee our right to have BBQs and beer. I said prayers for all my friends on Crapbook that have family in the service, or that have lost someone. I prayed for my cousin who lost her son in Afghanistan (um, I guess that would be my cousin too!)

I¬† took a nap and dreamed of my Grandfather today. We were not very close- I lived on the other side of the country until I was 13. My father and him were at odds, and his new wife didn’t really care for us (stop me if you have heard this before!) My Grandfather had a special place in his heart for me b/c I look (as I have been told) just like my Granny. Spitting image. I walk like her, talk like her, laugh like her. I think for my Grandfather this was a blessing and a curse. He loved her so very much, but she suffered from early onset dementia around 65- which is so very young. When he was pretty sick and in the hospital about three years before he died- he was confused for a little while. I walked in and he started crying and reaching out for me. He started calling me by my Granny’s name and touching my face. It was heartbreaking b/c he thought I was her. He passed peacefully. He lived at home until the end- he got sick, went to the hospital- and got a lot better.He just needed more skilled care than my step grandmother could give so then was discharged to a nursing home. He died a few hours after he got to the nursing home- he told us the night before he would NOT live in a nursing home after he saw what my Granny went through. I was in college at the time 1.5 hours away. I couldn’t help. If it was now, I would bring him to my house and care for him. He was proud I was going to be a nurse. He told me he wanted me to have 20 letters behind my name. ūüôā

Anyways…there is a point to this story. I woke up crying. I don’t know if I have ever cried in my sleep. Talked, yelled, walking, initiated sex…..but never cried.¬† I started thinking how my husband is going to be cheated. How I am going to be cheated. I won’t see my husband in my grandchild. This darn stertoli cell only diagnosis is robbing us of¬† this. I am so sorrowful for us and the loss of it. Of our creating a life from the two of us. We WILL create our child with love- he/she will be ours. We WILL love them. We are looking forward to meeting them. I just hate that we will never know what a child created from the two of us would be like. It is so fucking unfair.¬† There is not even a glimmer of “maybe” or “it only takes one” for us.

There is none.

It feels like I take three steps forward and two steps back. For TWO YEARS. I want to know where I can buy my pole vault and just be done with the stepping.

Sigh.

Okay- enough self-pity. That party of one is getting stale. ūüôā

On to funny…..

The Kingman: “Holy Shit is June tomorrow. 2010 is half gone!! Our lives are flashing before our eyes. We are going to die soon!! Our children are going to die soon!!”

Me: “Um, the children have to be born first before they die. Ya know? ”

The Kingman: “That’s how keep them from dying- never give birth to them!!! Great idea”

Me: “Um, yeah….okay..so, ‘lets not have kids b/c we¬† want to keep them from dying.’?¬† Suckiest idea ever uttered”

Kingman: “I’m only kidding”

YA THINK!!?!?!?!?!?!?¬† LOL! It sounds a lot more gruesome now that I type it out, but it really was a funny exchange. ūüôā

Next…..I did some cooking today. Not Memorial Cooking. Well, I did throw a hotdog and corn on the cob on the grill- but that isn’t what I am talking about.

I am going to tell the story in pictures.

The Start of Something Beautiful...maybe.

vegetable Stock recipe base of all the soups.

The Soup Cooking…mmmm….

End Result. vegetable Stock.

I know what you are thinking…it looks like pee. Yup. I know. It does. It ALSO doesn’t yield as much as it says it does. I doubled the recipe b/c I am freezing it- and it only made 7 freaking cups.¬† Seriously- some of those soups call for 5 cups or 6 cups of the Veggie broth. GRRRRRRRR. I underestimated how much I would get.¬†¬† The reason they are in bags like that is b/c I am freezing them, then taking the bag/plastic off so that they maintain their shape- then using my Food Saver to vacuum pack them. Because, well- the obvious. You can’t stick a liquid in a bag and then try to suck all the air out. LOL! THANK GOD I had the sense not to try that. Plus the manual says not to. ūüôā

My plan was to make a shitload of broth to use over the next few months. Try 1 new soup every week. Ugh. Although- I must say, the broth was super easy to make until the straining part. I only had a tiny hand strainer. That SUCKED ASS. Took me about 1/2 hours to do it all. LOL!

Anyways= I suppose I need to go to bed.¬† I have to give a special shout out to Foxy Popcorn. I think she has spent her Memorial Day reading my entire blog- by the looks of all the comments she has made on year old posts.¬† THANK YOU! It is touching to see that she has taken the time to read my journey. With some of the comments I have to go back and read the post to refresh my memory- and I realize how far I have come…yet how much is the same.¬† I see how I am grown, become stronger, and know myself better. I also see how bitter I am getting.

I think we all could use a little flashback into our own lives- I challenge you guys to look at your post list from a year ago, two years ago….or more if you have been blogging a long time. How have you changed? If you could go back and talk to yourself then with your experience now- what would you say to yourself?

Two years ago I wasn’t blogging- but I know what I was doing. I was about to head to Jamaica for our 1 year anniversary/delayed Honeymoon. I was off the pill for 6 months or so. I thought I was surely going to defy all odds and get pregnant. With anejactulation. WTF? I would tell myself to enjoy my vacation. Don’t POAS while you are there.

I would say- demand your OB/GYN listen to you. Go ahead and START BLOGGING!!! It will heal you, and protect you in ways you can’t imagine.

Thank you girls (and boys!) for all your support and love.

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The Verdict Is In.

The UroGod¬†didn’t call yesterday with the results of the testicular biopsy. We understand, The King being a doc and all. We know how busy it can be on a Friday.

So we didn’t keep our phones nearby today-¬†what doctor calls on Saturday?!?!¬† At 1030 The King noticed a missed call, and realized it was the UroGod¬†calling with the biopsy results. OMGOMGOMG.

Results: Biopsy showed sertoli cells¬†only-¬†no germ cells. The UroGod said we won’t ever know if this is a part of the Prune Belly, secondary infertility, or because of the fact that his testicles were descended at age 6. (that was the recommendation in the late 70s, now they recommend by age 3)

He painted a grim picture about any chance of The King biologically fathering a child. He didn’t think any medicines would help with sperm production. Sigh.

We knew this was probably the case, but it sucks when you hear it so definite. Blah.

The King’s reaction at first was “I am not giving up, this isn’t going to beat me. We will go where ever and get a second opinion”

He remembered me talking about CCRM¬†and ACRM and said we could go there, etc. He said “I will do this as many times as I need to, if they might have a chance to find one sperm”¬† Sigh.

Later today it hit him again-¬†and he broke down a little. We held each other tight and mourned our loss. He realized now how much he wants this. He wants to have a child and help him/her to do homework-¬†watch movies, go to the beach, etc. He wants to help teach them math, and science stuff (um, he is the smart one in our relationship!!)”¬† He told me “I am just scared that if we do donor sperm my child will reject me and hate me later”¬† I didn’t know what to tell him b/c I have had the same fears and questions. How/when do you tell your child he/she is from donor sperm? We do not believe in keeping secret- especially about something like that. For medical reasons (health history), and b/c we believe in up front honesty. I have had things kept from me, and it hurts. We just don’t know how to go about it….

So I did a little googling and found This article– woah.¬† My heart just stopped when I read that. I do think that is a special case b/c there was NO father in this girl’s life at all. I think she resented that, and had issues with her mother struggling to provide. Does that make it different? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What is making my stomach drop and my breath to leave my chest is realizing I will not get to see what a baby that is half me, and half him would look like. What characteristics would it(they) get from each of us? My nose? My eyes? His hair? His brains? My humor? I am sad that we won’t know what ‘our’ baby will be like. I KNOW, any baby we have will be ‘ours’…but I mean genetically ‘ours’.

It is like we are mourning¬†our children in a way. The ones that will never be. There will be others, and we will be deliriously happy to have them….but….

That just sounds so harsh when I type it out. Sigh.

Oh, of course the scientist part of my super thinking husband has kicked in. “So if a sperm is just 1/2 of my DNA, why can’t they extract some DNA and melt it with your eggs? Why can’t they use my stem cells to create sperm?”¬† etc. etc. etc. ūüôā

I am ready to get home and wallow in my bed and emerse¬†myself with all my DVR’d¬†shows……and practice my deep breathing, exercise and biophysical¬†feedback to get ready for the showers next week. Gah. I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY am hoping I don’t make a spectical of myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The King is now asking me two/three times a day if anyone else has said anything on my blog, and he asked if PCOstory and AzooWho have had their IUI¬†yet, and how they are doing.(husband/wife¬†team that has two separate¬†blogs)¬†ūüôā They are having their IUI, so go over and wish them luck. They have both been wonderfully supportive during all of this for us. My husband is so appreciative that (seemingly) complete strangers care so much. He even said “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to go through the two week wait”¬† awwww….he is even learning IF lingo!!

G’night all. We have a long drive back home tomorrow, and I get to do it all myself b/c SOMEONE is gets to be drugged to the hilt.

Oh, and I just realized that all this time I have been putting my posts in categories, and not tagging them. DUH!!!

Post-OP day #1

First off- thank you ALL SO MUCH for all of your wonderful words of encouragement and support through all this.¬† It was so wonderful to see my Droid’s notification light blink again and again. Clicking on each comment filled me with love and comfort. It is amazing how even a simple one line comment from a fellow blogger can melt the icicles that were starting to form.

Okay-¬†so yesterday I KNEW that a result of zero sperm was a possibility¬†but I(we) hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Obviously!! I mean who would hope for zero sperm-¬†besides maybe the family of a serial killer! Anyways- I digress.

The King is currently taking a few minutes here and there to type up his expierence¬†for you all-¬†and for anyone that will be going through this. He found that reading the blogs of men (and women) describing what happened, and what they went through helped him a lot. I knew it would, and I tried to get him online weeks ago- but alas he never did. The NIGHT before the surgery at about 5pm he started asking me to find the blog posts and such. Sigh. Luckily you girls/guys ROCK and pulled through for me. Nothing like an SOS getting answered in the blog world within hours. ūüôā

I don’t know if I can ever express how much you all help me- and are now helping my husband.

I will give you a run down of how things have been for me/us….

The BAU¬†(Big Ass University) was a great place. I was out in the waiting area, and a nurse came out three times to update me that things were going good. He went back at 704am, and the doc¬†came out at around 1030 or so.¬† The UroGod¬†came out by himself to talk to me in a little room beside waiting room. I imagine they call this the “Quiet Room” or “Family Room”. In hindsite¬†I realize it had a huge comfy oversized couch, fruit, sodas, etc. As¬†a nurse with ¬†ER/ICU experience, I should have seen the “Crisis” room a mile away. Dammit-¬†I missed out on the free sodas, snacks and SOFA!!!! ARGH!!!

He told me basically what I said in the last post-¬†that he didn’t find a single sperm, and that the tissue (testicular) was smooth and homogenous. He looked as long as he felt was safe, and took the biopsies. I don’t think the biospies¬†were to try to¬†find anymore sperm-¬†he was pretty bleak about finding any in the biopsy-¬†but it was basically so that they can look at the tissue and try to¬†see what is going on-¬†and what the tissue looks like. I didn’t think to ask if meds (clomid, testosterone, or voodoo) would help create sperm.¬† I was honestly trying my best to not freak the fuck out, and to act like a professional.

I teared up just a little, but nothing big-¬†from being a critical care nurse, I am used to having to squash my feelings. I learned how to be cold, and put my mask on in the ER when coding a 3 month old with their parents near by. I learned how shove my feelings in a box until later, and be strictly clincal. I think I reverted to that when talking to the UroGod¬†as a defense mechanism.¬† I was still the wife who knew her husband was going to be sad. My hopes of an IVF cycle/pregnancy this summer were out the window. I lost my breath for a few seconds- but I don’t think he noticed. I just couldn’t think to ask anything.

sigh.

I still had to wait about 20 minutes before he was in the post op room. That was when I finished the post yesterday (I had actually started it earlier in the morning)- I was caught between “I have to see humor in this” and “OHMYFUCKINGCRAPAHHHHH”. That is why that post is a little weird. I had to find the funny and ground myself or I would have been a pile of sobs and tears in the OR waiting area.

The King said that he could tell by the look on my face when I walked in the door that the UroGod¬†didn’t find anything. I feel bad about that-¬†b/c I tried really hard to not look sad or upset. My sweetie just knows me too well.¬† This first things my sweet husband said was “I am so so sorry”.¬† ūüė¶¬† It just breaks my heart for him. We hugged and kissed, and I tried to remember what the UroGod¬†said.¬† We teared up and just held each other…..and he looked in my eyes and said “you never want for anything-¬†you don’t want a fancy house, or jewelry, or cars….you’re one hearts desire and want is to have a child- and I can’t give you the one thing you’ve ever asked of me. I am so sorry”.

That is what broke my heart. 

He is writing up a post…so I am going to stop right here as far as his feelings….I will let him share more of that.

In the recovery area we had heavy hearts-¬†but I was determined to make him smile despite it all. ūüôā¬† We did find laughter, and that helped to ground us both. We are alive, and healthy, and we have each other. This is NOT the end of the road. Our Journey is not done–it just got MORE BUMPY. (HA HA, plug for my blog name!!) We have had so many damn curveballs I do believe the ball is about to go full circle and hit us square in the face. :/

The UroGod¬†wrote us for Roxycodone¬†syrup (The King has trouble swollowing¬†pills)…and we had to drive all over creation and find a COMPOUNDING pharmacy that had it. Gah. I also got him so docuasate¬†liquid…which btw is NAAAASTY. I don’t want his getting constipated from the narcotics, and then have to strain and pop a nut out.

****I remember reading a blog post from one of my friends that her husband had this procedure done, and then they had sex and he really did pop a nut out….I can’t find that post ANYWHERE though! Who was that??!? I can’t remember now!!***

We napped a little yesterday and had a mini-breakdown together….but we are good. He is good. I am good. I have not had a big breakdown-¬†but I imagine it will happen when I am alone. I HAVE to do it before next weekend. If these weren’t my two bestest¬†friends I would not be going. I have to-¬†we are staying at The Campers house this weekend. I won’t lie and say it sucks to see her big round baby belly….but I love her- so that makes it hurt less.

Now the current crisis is that they didn’t clear his monday schedule-¬†and they have him seeing 30 patients, 8 EMGs, AND being on call. Not cool. His nurse is trying to reschedule them, but there really isn’t anywhere to move them too. This friday is our psuedo¬†WTF appointment(I say psuedo¬†b/c most people have WTF appts AFTER a busted cycle….but I still feel like it is a WTF..), and he was going to come up the night before, go to it (it is at 8am)- then drive home. 4.5 hours away b/c he is on call next weekend.

AHHHHHH….all his June days are booked up b/c his partner is going out-of-town¬†for two weeks…our Anniversary is the 9th-¬†but I don’t think we are going to get to do anything this year. We planned on a vacay¬†late June- but don’t know HOW that is going to happen now.

I think I am going to surprise him for his b’day¬†with a super nice vacay. His b’day is July 13th. I am thinking Bermuda, or Bahamas. Lots of stars. Luxury. ūüôā Make up for all this SHIT.

He is currently snoring his head off from all the drugs.

Thanks again for all your loooooove. It is wonderful. The King was uberly¬†impressed with all the comments¬†and totally astounded that so many people care. I have told him about my blog, and about the IF community but I don’t think that he ‘got it’ until the last two days.

Thank you.

Troopers seriously MIA.

UroGod is done. He said the testicles were homogeneous….all tissue the same…..zero sperm found. Biopsy sent to lab/embyrologist(?) to see if they find anything.

The troopers never made it through boot camp. Hell, they never signed up after passing the ASFAB….They ignored the calls and decided to backpack through Europe…..sigh.

I think we are going to have to call in support from a NATO Nation. Sigh

This is really happening. This hurts so bad.

Thank You!!!

image

You girls and husbands ROCK!!!!

I will post more later, I hate tapping out posts on my Droid.
The King is currently getting prepped

Okay…how cool is the “bear paws” gown?

*745am…they have him intubated and surgery has started!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!!!