um, I wrote a long azz post about the two baby showers I did last weekend, and I have no clue where it is. Not in drafts- not on my IRL blog (THANK THE GOOD LORD), it has vanished!
UGH! I am so disgusted I can’t even think straight. I wrote forev-ah on that fricker. I promise I will come back and do it again. I would hate to make you all keep hitting refresh to see if I have posted. LOL! 😛 as if.
Today was a pretty good day…well if you like hot, muggy, rainy, migraine inducing thunderstomy, premenstrual, supposed to be having friends over but they can’t, husband worked until 6pm anyways kind of days 🙂
Obviously my Memorial Day was spent alone. I supposed that is fitting since the reason for it isn’t for BBQs and beer with friends- it is for the troops that have kept us safe and guarantee our right to have BBQs and beer. I said prayers for all my friends on Crapbook that have family in the service, or that have lost someone. I prayed for my cousin who lost her son in Afghanistan (um, I guess that would be my cousin too!)
I took a nap and dreamed of my Grandfather today. We were not very close- I lived on the other side of the country until I was 13. My father and him were at odds, and his new wife didn’t really care for us (stop me if you have heard this before!) My Grandfather had a special place in his heart for me b/c I look (as I have been told) just like my Granny. Spitting image. I walk like her, talk like her, laugh like her. I think for my Grandfather this was a blessing and a curse. He loved her so very much, but she suffered from early onset dementia around 65- which is so very young. When he was pretty sick and in the hospital about three years before he died- he was confused for a little while. I walked in and he started crying and reaching out for me. He started calling me by my Granny’s name and touching my face. It was heartbreaking b/c he thought I was her. He passed peacefully. He lived at home until the end- he got sick, went to the hospital- and got a lot better.He just needed more skilled care than my step grandmother could give so then was discharged to a nursing home. He died a few hours after he got to the nursing home- he told us the night before he would NOT live in a nursing home after he saw what my Granny went through. I was in college at the time 1.5 hours away. I couldn’t help. If it was now, I would bring him to my house and care for him. He was proud I was going to be a nurse. He told me he wanted me to have 20 letters behind my name. 🙂
Anyways…there is a point to this story. I woke up crying. I don’t know if I have ever cried in my sleep. Talked, yelled, walking, initiated sex…..but never cried. I started thinking how my husband is going to be cheated. How I am going to be cheated. I won’t see my husband in my grandchild. This darn stertoli cell only diagnosis is robbing us of this. I am so sorrowful for us and the loss of it. Of our creating a life from the two of us. We WILL create our child with love- he/she will be ours. We WILL love them. We are looking forward to meeting them. I just hate that we will never know what a child created from the two of us would be like. It is so fucking unfair. There is not even a glimmer of “maybe” or “it only takes one” for us.
There is none.
It feels like I take three steps forward and two steps back. For TWO YEARS. I want to know where I can buy my pole vault and just be done with the stepping.
Okay- enough self-pity. That party of one is getting stale. 🙂
On to funny…..
The Kingman: “Holy Shit is June tomorrow. 2010 is half gone!! Our lives are flashing before our eyes. We are going to die soon!! Our children are going to die soon!!”
Me: “Um, the children have to be born first before they die. Ya know? ”
The Kingman: “That’s how keep them from dying- never give birth to them!!! Great idea”
Me: “Um, yeah….okay..so, ‘lets not have kids b/c we want to keep them from dying.’? Suckiest idea ever uttered”
Kingman: “I’m only kidding”
YA THINK!!?!?!?!?!?!? LOL! It sounds a lot more gruesome now that I type it out, but it really was a funny exchange. 🙂
Next…..I did some cooking today. Not Memorial Cooking. Well, I did throw a hotdog and corn on the cob on the grill- but that isn’t what I am talking about.
I am going to tell the story in pictures.
The Soup Cooking…mmmm….
I know what you are thinking…it looks like pee. Yup. I know. It does. It ALSO doesn’t yield as much as it says it does. I doubled the recipe b/c I am freezing it- and it only made 7 freaking cups. Seriously- some of those soups call for 5 cups or 6 cups of the Veggie broth. GRRRRRRRR. I underestimated how much I would get. The reason they are in bags like that is b/c I am freezing them, then taking the bag/plastic off so that they maintain their shape- then using my Food Saver to vacuum pack them. Because, well- the obvious. You can’t stick a liquid in a bag and then try to suck all the air out. LOL! THANK GOD I had the sense not to try that. Plus the manual says not to. 🙂
My plan was to make a shitload of broth to use over the next few months. Try 1 new soup every week. Ugh. Although- I must say, the broth was super easy to make until the straining part. I only had a tiny hand strainer. That SUCKED ASS. Took me about 1/2 hours to do it all. LOL!
Anyways= I suppose I need to go to bed. I have to give a special shout out to Foxy Popcorn. I think she has spent her Memorial Day reading my entire blog- by the looks of all the comments she has made on year old posts. THANK YOU! It is touching to see that she has taken the time to read my journey. With some of the comments I have to go back and read the post to refresh my memory- and I realize how far I have come…yet how much is the same. I see how I am grown, become stronger, and know myself better. I also see how bitter I am getting.
I think we all could use a little flashback into our own lives- I challenge you guys to look at your post list from a year ago, two years ago….or more if you have been blogging a long time. How have you changed? If you could go back and talk to yourself then with your experience now- what would you say to yourself?
Two years ago I wasn’t blogging- but I know what I was doing. I was about to head to Jamaica for our 1 year anniversary/delayed Honeymoon. I was off the pill for 6 months or so. I thought I was surely going to defy all odds and get pregnant. With anejactulation. WTF? I would tell myself to enjoy my vacation. Don’t POAS while you are there.
I would say- demand your OB/GYN listen to you. Go ahead and START BLOGGING!!! It will heal you, and protect you in ways you can’t imagine.
Thank you girls (and boys!) for all your support and love.