Tag Archives: biopsy

Opening Up. Trying The Unknown.

Wow. Let me first off just say- WOW.  I don’t know if it is the roxycodone, the being waiting on hand and foot, a side effect of the anthesthia- but The Kingman is…different.

Perhaps it is the loss of something he didn’t know he really wanted (biological children), or that on of his worst fears is realized and I am still by his side. Maybe a combination of all the above. All I know is that I am falling more in love with him, and I am thankful for that.   I have read of couples developing chasms after an azoospermia diagnosis, and of withdrawal/anger/etc.  I can tell that I have people praying for us, and sending us good thoughts. I will never EVER take that for granted. I saw a prayer with each blog post I read, and I can feel that at least SOMEONE is doing that for us.

We are Post Op Day 4 (REALLY? WTF have I been?), and The Kingman is doing good! He didn’t really have any swelling- which is good b/c he was terrified of having two grapefruits between his legs. 🙂  The is some bruising actually around the base of his penis, but no swelling or hematoma. His incision looks great (although awfully long- maybe 1.5 inches), and is healing nicely. He goes back to work tomorrow, but I think he could have used one more day off of work. He tried to go today without taking any of the oxycodone, but he only made it until about 11am. Although, it must be stated that he stood at our kitchen counter for about 35-40 minutes doing work from home on his computer immediately prior to the pain.

He actually sat down on the couch and said “Honey, I feel really pre-syncopal”  HA HA. Leave it to a medical professional to say that! Most people would say “I feel like I am going to pass out” or “I feel lightheaded”….no my husband busts out the “pre-sycopal”. As his pale face turned towards me, and his hand reached out…..I couldn’t help but laugh. “Pre-syncopal?” “Really?”

I got him a dose of the oxycodone and he was good after that. I put a call into the Nurse Practitioner at the UroGods office to make sure he could take NSAIDs (he could) and to ask about the stitches. We were led to believe that the wound was closed with glue- but I see some prrreeeetttty big as stitches. Turns out they are dissolvable- but they take around 2-3 weeks to dissolve.  The NP said (I shit you not) “If they (the stitches) get prickly on his prick…uh, I mean, uh, um…*ahem*  Hecanjustcoveritwithanonstickgauze.  I am so sorry for that, I didn’t mean…”

HA HA HA. I just laughed, and reassured him that was fine- I have a good sense of humor. 🙂   Anyhoo- they wrote him for some Tramadol to take at work, but I doubt he will take it. He doesn’t like to take anything when he is working. Tomorrow he has a full day of patients, and he is on call. He figures he is going to stay in his office, and have the nurses bring him the patients to his office. LOL! He will do fine if he doesn’t have to stand or walk for extended periods of time.  Wish him luck!!!

He has done a 180 in this IF ‘thing’. He is now so in tune with all that I have been going through and feeling the last  2 years.  He has been so open and honest with me- it is wonderful. Perhaps it is b/c he has now been told he can’t *have* his own child. Biologically that is, and that has made him realize that he does want it very badly. He is amazed I am still by his side (um, okay- I don’t know what vows he repeated, but mine said “for better or worse, sickness and health….I meant it too!!!), and he sees that having a family will complete us.

I am floored by all this. He has been so affectionate it is almost overwhelming b/c he had lost that part of him the last 1.5 years. It is wonderful. In some strange way this is bringing us closer to each other- has anyone else felt this way before? Are we crazy?

He has been opening talking about our IF with people. This past Friday our friends (that we stayed with after the surgery) had a couple over for his b’day. They were a super sweet couple, and I really liked them. It was obvious that The Kingman had surgery. He was walking around with an icepack on his ‘nads for goodness sake. What shocked me was that he was so open about our infertility struggle with the guy when they were all out on the porch.  The girls were inside, and the new friend asked if I was trying to have get pregnant b/c of a vague comment I made to Mrs. Camper (who is preggo, and has her shower next weekend)…..I should have realized she was an IFer then and there b/c it takes one to spot one a mile away. You girls (and guys) know what I mean. I replied with my usual blasé, noncommittal response that is so scripted I think all my close friends could recite it too.

Then about 5 minutes later my husband went to the bathroom and I followed to see if I could help (yeah, I was helping him- gotta make sure the giblets heal properly!!)…and he said “I told Mr.NewFriend about my surgery, our infertility, and how were are going to have to do IVF. Turns out they are having problems too. Did you tell Mrs.NewFriend?..you should talk to her, and tell her  about  *our* blog friends.”       um…WHAT?!?!??!  Mr. Privacy himself?!?  I was floored.  So a little bit later I brought it up to Mrs. NewFriend, and turns out she has a known problem, and they going to be gettting treatment soon. Woah. See what I mean?

It takes one to know one.

****Let me interject with- WHY ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WE GET ALONG WITH NOT LIVING IN THE SAME CITY AS US?!!?!?!?!*****

Anyways…that is the opening up part of my title. My Husband is okay with talking about our IF…maybe not perhaps the Azoo/DI part of our journey- but the vague “we are infertile and getting help” part- he is okay with.

Wow.

He is also all into this blog now. I am timid to share b/c it has been such a private place for me- my outlet, my refuge…those that have been following awhile understand. Those that are new- I moved over to WordPress from Blogger b/c I also keep a ‘IRL’ Blog that my family and friends follow. I was scared I would post on the wrong blog, or comment under the wrong profile. I lived in fear- especially b/c my venting on my blog could probably hurt some feelings. I moved over to WordPress b/c I can keep the blog mostly open, but still password protect the posts that might offend or hurt someone who knows me IRL.  Those in the know also know that I keep the same password for them all. The Secret word never changes. If you are new and want the password- I just request that you have a blog. I want to verify who you are. I am leery of new blogs and email only requests- please understand why.   I do have to say though- most of the time those password protected ones are pretty good.

I also PWP posts that have pictures of me or other identifying features. 🙂 I have been trying to protect my husband b/c of the line of work he is in.

Okay- so  for trying the Unknown.

My husband is a creature of habit. He we ate pizza, hummus, buffalo wings, sushi, or Burritos every night for the rest of our natural lives- he would be fine with that. If the only movies we could ever watch were Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill..and a few others..he would be delighted. He likes what he likes, and he sees NO reason to try anything new. Why? If you already KNOW you like the burrito, why order the chimmichanga? He always gets the #1 meal at Arby’s, Wendy’s and McDonalds. The plus side is that he is so easy to pick food up for. The downside is that he doesn’t like new things. That requires him to be out of his comfort zone, and that is not good.

SO- this whole azoo thing initially through him for a loop. We did cry- not as much as I thought we would though.  I think what got him through is the fact that I was so prepared for it. I wasn’t blindsided like he was. I didn’t have a Pollyanna attitude about it. I also knew that isn’t the end of our journey. It isn’t a death sentence. I know so many couples that are so happy and complete with their child conceived with donor sperm. I have seen the pictures  and read the blogs for over a year now.

For him it was all new. He didn’t know the stories. He hadn’t been thru the pain and heartache reading blogs of people going through the same thing, and he hasn’t seem them come out the other side.

I KNOW it will all be okay- and I think that really helped him cope. That helped him get through this more intact and less bruised.

I have you girls (and guys) to thank for that. He now realizes all those times I was clickity clacking on the computer blogging, commenting, clicking links, and tearing up were part of my healing process. You all helped me to fortify my mind before the big blow- I was able to be a strong woman for my husband from what I have learned for you all. Your comments, your love, your hope…and also following through all your struggles.

He “gets” blogging now. He gets the uniqueness of the IF community. He is appreciative.

Okay- so why is all THIS making me sob like a baby?!?! Geez I am a dork.

He is on board with the Donor Sperm(DS). Wow.  He wants to seek counseling. WOW.

On our way home yesterday we stopped at the Cracker Barrel for dinner. Of course we were sat right by a table with two small children- the youngest being a baby of around 7-8 months. Normally he would not have even noticed the kids. Unless they started screaming.  He was the one facing them, and they were behind me. He just stared, and smiled. He said “I can do that. I want to do that. I want that life. We are going to have a baby- we are doing Donor Sperm”.

Are you sick of all the sap and gooey crap yet? LOL!

Just wait…when it gets closer to the end of the week, I will be a babbling mess again. Hell, who knows…maybe I will even blunk for you. 🙂

PS- my sweet husband FINALLY realized the torture I go through with The Campers being pregnant. The happiness for them juxtaposed with grief for ourselves. He realized how hard this coming weekend is going to be. He realized we would have already had a baby, long ago, if we would have been quicker with his diagnosis.  it is so sweet for him to realize it.

I wouldn’t change a thing though- b/c he wasn’t ready until now. I need him to be 100% to terms with it all before we move forward. I think he almost is. We still have some stuff to work through, but we will get there.

Hopefully my body will live up to the challenge and not let us down.

OH- you are all awesome if you made it this far!!

my email is babymakingjourney at gmail dot com        The name is from my blogger blog. I couldn’t use it on wordpress b/c it was already taken…but think Bumpy Journey is so much more appropriate.

Night all!!!

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The Verdict Is In.

The UroGod didn’t call yesterday with the results of the testicular biopsy. We understand, The King being a doc and all. We know how busy it can be on a Friday.

So we didn’t keep our phones nearby today- what doctor calls on Saturday?!?!  At 1030 The King noticed a missed call, and realized it was the UroGod calling with the biopsy results. OMGOMGOMG.

Results: Biopsy showed sertoli cells only- no germ cells. The UroGod said we won’t ever know if this is a part of the Prune Belly, secondary infertility, or because of the fact that his testicles were descended at age 6. (that was the recommendation in the late 70s, now they recommend by age 3)

He painted a grim picture about any chance of The King biologically fathering a child. He didn’t think any medicines would help with sperm production. Sigh.

We knew this was probably the case, but it sucks when you hear it so definite. Blah.

The King’s reaction at first was “I am not giving up, this isn’t going to beat me. We will go where ever and get a second opinion”

He remembered me talking about CCRM and ACRM and said we could go there, etc. He said “I will do this as many times as I need to, if they might have a chance to find one sperm”  Sigh.

Later today it hit him again- and he broke down a little. We held each other tight and mourned our loss. He realized now how much he wants this. He wants to have a child and help him/her to do homework- watch movies, go to the beach, etc. He wants to help teach them math, and science stuff (um, he is the smart one in our relationship!!)”  He told me “I am just scared that if we do donor sperm my child will reject me and hate me later”  I didn’t know what to tell him b/c I have had the same fears and questions. How/when do you tell your child he/she is from donor sperm? We do not believe in keeping secret- especially about something like that. For medical reasons (health history), and b/c we believe in up front honesty. I have had things kept from me, and it hurts. We just don’t know how to go about it….

So I did a little googling and found This article– woah.  My heart just stopped when I read that. I do think that is a special case b/c there was NO father in this girl’s life at all. I think she resented that, and had issues with her mother struggling to provide. Does that make it different? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What is making my stomach drop and my breath to leave my chest is realizing I will not get to see what a baby that is half me, and half him would look like. What characteristics would it(they) get from each of us? My nose? My eyes? His hair? His brains? My humor? I am sad that we won’t know what ‘our’ baby will be like. I KNOW, any baby we have will be ‘ours’…but I mean genetically ‘ours’.

It is like we are mourning our children in a way. The ones that will never be. There will be others, and we will be deliriously happy to have them….but….

That just sounds so harsh when I type it out. Sigh.

Oh, of course the scientist part of my super thinking husband has kicked in. “So if a sperm is just 1/2 of my DNA, why can’t they extract some DNA and melt it with your eggs? Why can’t they use my stem cells to create sperm?”  etc. etc. etc. 🙂

I am ready to get home and wallow in my bed and emerse myself with all my DVR’d shows……and practice my deep breathing, exercise and biophysical feedback to get ready for the showers next week. Gah. I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY am hoping I don’t make a spectical of myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The King is now asking me two/three times a day if anyone else has said anything on my blog, and he asked if PCOstory and AzooWho have had their IUI yet, and how they are doing.(husband/wife team that has two separate blogs) 🙂 They are having their IUI, so go over and wish them luck. They have both been wonderfully supportive during all of this for us. My husband is so appreciative that (seemingly) complete strangers care so much. He even said “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to go through the two week wait”  awwww….he is even learning IF lingo!!

G’night all. We have a long drive back home tomorrow, and I get to do it all myself b/c SOMEONE is gets to be drugged to the hilt.

Oh, and I just realized that all this time I have been putting my posts in categories, and not tagging them. DUH!!!

Thank You!!!

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You girls and husbands ROCK!!!!

I will post more later, I hate tapping out posts on my Droid.
The King is currently getting prepped

Okay…how cool is the “bear paws” gown?

*745am…they have him intubated and surgery has started!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!!!