Tag Archives: coping

The Verdict Is In.

The UroGod didn’t call yesterday with the results of the testicular biopsy. We understand, The King being a doc and all. We know how busy it can be on a Friday.

So we didn’t keep our phones nearby today- what doctor calls on Saturday?!?!  At 1030 The King noticed a missed call, and realized it was the UroGod calling with the biopsy results. OMGOMGOMG.

Results: Biopsy showed sertoli cells only- no germ cells. The UroGod said we won’t ever know if this is a part of the Prune Belly, secondary infertility, or because of the fact that his testicles were descended at age 6. (that was the recommendation in the late 70s, now they recommend by age 3)

He painted a grim picture about any chance of The King biologically fathering a child. He didn’t think any medicines would help with sperm production. Sigh.

We knew this was probably the case, but it sucks when you hear it so definite. Blah.

The King’s reaction at first was “I am not giving up, this isn’t going to beat me. We will go where ever and get a second opinion”

He remembered me talking about CCRM and ACRM and said we could go there, etc. He said “I will do this as many times as I need to, if they might have a chance to find one sperm”  Sigh.

Later today it hit him again- and he broke down a little. We held each other tight and mourned our loss. He realized now how much he wants this. He wants to have a child and help him/her to do homework- watch movies, go to the beach, etc. He wants to help teach them math, and science stuff (um, he is the smart one in our relationship!!)”  He told me “I am just scared that if we do donor sperm my child will reject me and hate me later”  I didn’t know what to tell him b/c I have had the same fears and questions. How/when do you tell your child he/she is from donor sperm? We do not believe in keeping secret- especially about something like that. For medical reasons (health history), and b/c we believe in up front honesty. I have had things kept from me, and it hurts. We just don’t know how to go about it….

So I did a little googling and found This article– woah.  My heart just stopped when I read that. I do think that is a special case b/c there was NO father in this girl’s life at all. I think she resented that, and had issues with her mother struggling to provide. Does that make it different? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What is making my stomach drop and my breath to leave my chest is realizing I will not get to see what a baby that is half me, and half him would look like. What characteristics would it(they) get from each of us? My nose? My eyes? His hair? His brains? My humor? I am sad that we won’t know what ‘our’ baby will be like. I KNOW, any baby we have will be ‘ours’…but I mean genetically ‘ours’.

It is like we are mourning our children in a way. The ones that will never be. There will be others, and we will be deliriously happy to have them….but….

That just sounds so harsh when I type it out. Sigh.

Oh, of course the scientist part of my super thinking husband has kicked in. “So if a sperm is just 1/2 of my DNA, why can’t they extract some DNA and melt it with your eggs? Why can’t they use my stem cells to create sperm?”  etc. etc. etc. 🙂

I am ready to get home and wallow in my bed and emerse myself with all my DVR’d shows……and practice my deep breathing, exercise and biophysical feedback to get ready for the showers next week. Gah. I really REALLY REALLLLLLLY am hoping I don’t make a spectical of myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.

The King is now asking me two/three times a day if anyone else has said anything on my blog, and he asked if PCOstory and AzooWho have had their IUI yet, and how they are doing.(husband/wife team that has two separate blogs) 🙂 They are having their IUI, so go over and wish them luck. They have both been wonderfully supportive during all of this for us. My husband is so appreciative that (seemingly) complete strangers care so much. He even said “I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them to go through the two week wait”  awwww….he is even learning IF lingo!!

G’night all. We have a long drive back home tomorrow, and I get to do it all myself b/c SOMEONE is gets to be drugged to the hilt.

Oh, and I just realized that all this time I have been putting my posts in categories, and not tagging them. DUH!!!