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Zen

**SPELL CHECK ISN’T WORKING…yes, I know I am an eeejit***

So, what happened?

I got up early on Wednesday and drove up to my REs for an ultrasound. They wanted me there by 1030, and I came rolling in around 1025. Nothing like Last Minute Lucy, huh? Then I had to wait until around 1130 for the actual US. I didn’t know if I had to have a full bladder or not, so I didn’t want to pee. I also had to crap. I knew I couldn’t crap without peeing- so lets just say that was one of the world’s most uncomfortable vag-a-sound ever.

Anyhoo. They didn’t check any blood work, just checked the US. I was cycle day  13, and the had no idea why my test strips showed what they did. Nothing new- I always seem to throw people off. LOL.

They measured me, and right off the bat I had one follicle on the right that was 18. The left ovary was a little harder to find, and it was so funny b/c I swear she kept looking at a turd- and going “hmm…” then she would prod around and readjust. I know it was a terd b/c she was pressing hard, and I would feel like I was going to poop right on the table. LOL

Anyhoo- they found a second follicle on the left that measured 17. There were no other near mature ones. Some like 1 or 2 or so that would be next cycle.

My lining was “Textbook”, and I happy about that. I got my order for HCG (pregnyl) Thursday night, and then 815 saturday AM IUI. They informed me that I needed to have m y licsence the day of the procedure..uh….um…

Thank the LORD they accepted my passport. Or I would have had to drive back home to FL to get a new licsense made. Phew.

I went and visited a friend on Thursday, Thursday night The King got here, and gave me the HCG injection. That was interesting let me tell ya! I will have to get the pictures up when I get home. He is so very very careful about stuff. Took him about 20 minutes to get it all ready. The nurse in me was all “AAAHHHHH!!!!! Just mix it!” LOL. He was so excited to do it though, and he did an awesome job. No hesitation or anything.

Yesterday we chilled out. Went to the Thai Resturant that we went on our first date to. I stole an idea from Mommy To Be, and went to Build a Bear Workshop and made us a bear.

We got the black bear, b/c where my husband is from there are a lot of black bears…it was the only one he was all “AW- THIS ONE” about, and i loved them all. 🙂 We got to pick out two hearts, and just about made the lady cry that was doing it for us. I almost started crying, The King almost started crying. It was very, VERY sweet.

We headed over to my Uncle’s house and visited with him and my cousin. This is the Uncle whose wife passed away back in March. It was very good spending time with them. 

Then we came out to the Campers and chillaxed. Discovered I really like Yuenling Light, JUST in time to not be able to drink it for two weeks. Ugh.

The actual procedure was Saturday at *around* 820am. HA HA HA. Around. 🙂 It was surreal b/c there were NO people in this huge ass office building. When we went to the office- it was all dark. No check-in people- nothing. I had a moment of panic- were we in the right spot? Did I misunderstand the day? AHHH!!! Then a doctor came out and got us- after all that, it was a fellow in the RE program that did the actual IUI. She was super sweet, and did a fantastic job, so I won’t complain.

It was just The King, me and the doctor. No nurse. No people in the hallway- no people int he next room talking. Nothing. I guess that was about as intimate attempt to concieve as we can get.  The Fellow even let The King watch. Like- watch, watch. Not just “here I am pushing in the syringe…but “here is her cervix, and there is her os. The entire procedure he was holding my hand and all up in my business. LOL. How funny huh? I didn’t care, and he like being able to be part of it. My sweet husband even remarked at what a nice cervix I had. HA HA HA. Ahh, the compliments we women will take. 

The Fellow said that the sample was ‘awesome’. 15 million motile sperm, and wonderful swimmers. Much to The King’s relief, the SEALS (ha ha- get it? Troopers that swim?) didn’t look like actual semen. (oh my, how punny). The medium that the clinic put them in was actually a pinkish color- thin-ish consistency. I got to keep them warm and cozy while she set up every thing. I think I almost cracked the vial I was squeezing so hard. LOL. 🙂 As far as the rest of the numbers about motility, etc. She didn’t get into the actual numbers, and I didn’t think to clarify. Now I wish I had b/c I have to have SOMETHING to think about, and analyse…and talk about. LOL. Other than 15 million motile, awesome and wonderful swimmers. I have no clue what they were like.

The doc did tell my husband that donor sperm concieved children are very common- but no one ever knows about it b/c no one talks about it. Too true.  Not like I can say anything about it- not like we are telling everyone either. I think we are pretty open- but to a degree. Would we be this way if we were adopting? Heck no. Would I be pretending I was pregnant if we had an adoption in the works to pass it off as my own? Hell no. Why can’t I just come out and say it?

Okay, soapbox….dismount.

As far as the procedure- the worse part was the speculum. It freakin’ HURTS! The catheter they used was a 6.5 french- so it was teeeny tiny. It was a weird feeling b/c I could feel the wiggly catheter inside like a ticklish cramp. The cramp wasn’t bad, and before I knew it- OVER! She had us lay there for 10minutes, although she said it wouldn’t hurt if we got up- but it is just what they do more to give us peace of mind.

After it was all over with we to breakfast. Seriously- we were out of there by 840.

The awesome part was that we to eat at “Another Broken Egg Cafe”. Tee hee hee. How fitting is that. I was mildly crampy by that time, but nothing bad. The King was giddy, and after I whined about being crampy- he informed the waiter when he came to take our order that “She is Crampy” He informed him SO proudly, like he was anouncing that I was pregnant.

W.T.F?!?  My jaw dropped and I couldn’t stop laughing. The poor waiter was alll “Uh, sorry- I um, erm…”  HA HA HA HA. Then the good old hubs said “b/c she is so hungry”.
Crazy guy. HA HA.

We bought a couple of coffee cups- peachy/pink and a tealish blue.  Hope all this superstitious stuff doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.
The hubs thinks that I am 100% going to get pregnant on this 1st try. I am trying not to get to optimistic b/c the fall is hard. The hubs thought the UroGod was going to find sperm also…and we all know how that went.

Anyhoo. I can totally feel that I ovulated or something b/c my right ovary is seriously tender like it gets every month. I had a sharp stab at breakfast yesterday, so I really think I was ovulating then. Last night I got a really bad cramp and almost barfed a cookie I was eating- I think that might have been a delayed HCG side effect? Either that or my liver was rebelling b/c everyone was drinking BUT ME!

I feel a lot better this AM. Still crampy like I am about to start my period- but I KNOW that isn’t the case. Even if I don’t get pregnant, I am not due to start until the 31st.  So the overanalysiing of symptoms beging.

I probably just need to shit.

We are enjoying our time with the Campers and their 3 month old. Tomorrow I am going to go visit Miss Sweetness and the Monkey! I am beyond excited about that. I miss her so much.

Then I am heading home on Tuesday to obsess daily. We are actually going to New Orleans on Halloween for the Steelers v Saints game. **GO STEELERS** That is going to be RIIIIIGHT around the my testing time. They don’t do betas at my clinic- only call when results of test after missed period..or call when you have a period. So. The next day of my period is due the day of the game (I have 31 day cycle).  Do I test before the game? After? Hell- I am going to be in New Freaking Orleans!! If it is negative I am getting some Hand Grenades and burying my sorrow.  Do you all test and follow the HCG shot leaving your body?

Are you paranoid about a beer the day of the IUI? I mean it might not even be fertilized. Just curious.

I am off to root for the Steelers. Lets send the Browns to the DAWG POUND!

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Here’s some Lead for ya.

okay, I suck. I know I suck. We all know I suck.

My last post was all “I am going to post more” blah, blah, blah.That was over a month ago! I sit down to post, and I have a lot to post about, but I don’t. I just sit here. Then I check my twitter, and post there then I find  I can’t post on here. I have posting ADD. Kinda stupid huh?

What the heck is new with me?
Well…..Bullets anyone? Let me shoot you all and give you lead poisoning

  • Went to London 9/8 through 9/23. Well actually left London on 9/22, but had an overnight stay in Toronto.
  • Took 2895 pictures, and 390 video shorts. Although 350 of those videos have the first words of “Oh shit, I have it on video”, and the video ends.
  • Trying to winnow it down to make a DVD slide show for my mom. 🙂
  • Lost my job- well had the option of going basically full time, and working every other F/Sa/Su and chose not to.  I actually called my boss’s bluff b/c she was sitting there to write down the days I would work when I told her no.
  • I am still getting emails on shifts that are open. ?!?! I can’t find another job in the hospital system that I want. 
  • I am being a housewife. Trying to enjoy it.

IF related:

  • Finally picked a donor for our IUI. This is a scary, terrifying, exciting time.  I picked my top 14 picks and gave them to The King. I kept my top three to myself. He narrowed them down to 6 and had his top three. Two out of three of our top three matched. One was unavailable (ARGH!), the number two for both of us is the one we are going with.
  • I have learned that if you read too many reviews on sperm banks you will have a panic attack. I read so many bad reviews of ANY bank I researched that I almost figured we wouldn’t ever have a baby.
  • I am currently on cd10. I started my period on October 1st, so it is making it REALLY easy for a numskull like me to keep up with it.
  • WE ARE CYCLING THIS MONTH.  OMFRIGGINGAWD!
  • I took Femara on cd3-7. THANK GOD for the whole CD1=October 1 thing…cause apparently I am a kick ass RN that can’t read the directions on some of the most important pills I may ever take in my life. I spazed out when I read the directions I guess b/c the directions said “Take 2 pills every day on cycle days 3 through 7.” Apparently in my well educated MEDICAL mind I translated to twice a day. On the last two days I realized they meant take both pills at ONCE. Duh.
  • My REs nurse said that it was okay…’should’ still work. Sigh.

Interesting Sunday:

  • I bought a fridge today. The Kingman is so excited to get it b/c it will have an icemaker. I don’t use ice much (only in mixed drinks), so the icemaking/buying is his responsibility.
  • I got a killer deal on my fridge. 30% off- so basically only paid a little more than the sticker price. LOL.
  • I made the lady at the store tear up b/c she got my sale. I am guessing they work on commission. Her husband died last year, and she had to come out of retirement after 10 years to come back to work. Even the other guy in the appliances dept. wanted her to get the sale- he actually talked to me earlier, but let her have it. The guy told me later that I will never know what the sale did for her today…he said he prayed for a good sale for her today. Wow.  I am tearing up now thinking about.
  • I filled out the online survey to give her kudos. I hope that helps her.
  • I bought a coffee today, and spilled it ALL OVER myself and basically the entire front of my car. So gross. I had nothing to clean it up with except kotex. Seriously. I am frightened of how my car is going to smell since it was a skinny cinnamon dolce latte. BLECH.
  • Left my license at the store I bought the fridge at. Didn’t noticed until I tried to buy something with my AMEX and they actually looked at the back that had “See ID”. I had no ID. Grrrrr.
  • My recyclable bag broke at CVS. Bottom dropped out. Jackoff rescanned it all since he had to give me a plastic bag and couldn’t give the me “Green Tag” buy for the Extra Care Bucks.

So that is my life in an nutshell. (That is a shout out to you Chelle for checking on me. 🙂   I have more to post about…like my husband’s breakdown and anxiety over having a child….but only so much I can do at once.

I would hate for my fingers to fall off. LOL.

PS I have an IRL ‘friend’ (acquaintance) that had her adoption fall through. She was matched with the birth mom pretty early in the pregnancy. They have been through IF for many, many years with IUIs IVF, etc. They had the room ready, had a shower, and went out of state when the mom went into labor. On the 3rd day after the birth, the mother changed her mind. It is so heartbreaking. Please say some prayers for her. Or send some good karma…or light a candle. Whatever floats your spiritual boat- I think love from afar will be felt by her.

Ta ta peoples.

I will be posting some photos from London…but they will be PWP. See tab above if you are not sure about the secret password protected word instructions.

The Plan

Okay, I have so much I need to post! This past weekend was crazy busy, but it all turned out okay.

Rewind to last Thursday. I told The King that since he has been through the ringer he could rent a “cool” car to go up for our appointment last weekend. We had to drive separate cars b/c he was coming later than  me, and he had to leave Saturday for work. I didn’t leave until Monday (yesterday)

He was going to get a convertible but Alamo couldn’t find the keys (???). They gave a free upgrade to a 2010 Camero!! WOOO HOOOO!!!

~Friday: I saw Dr. 5000 to figure out our plan. My husband got to go with me, and I am SO GLAD he did! Dr.5000 explained to the Kingman that with SCO(sertoli cell only testicle) there is about a 0.5% chance of finding some, and even less that the sperm would result in a good fertilized egg. Woah. He said he has not ever seen a case of a live birth from a case like ours.  That really helped clear up a lot of The Kings questions.

Here is the kicker: NO IVF!!!!  I was thinking he would recommend IVF from the start secondary to my endometriosis, but he said that he didn’t want to put my body through that if it wasn’t necessary. He said that he didn’t want to the IUI with my natural cycle, but just ‘give me a boost’. I hold in my hand (okay in my wallet) a prescription for Letrozole.  I haven’t priced it yet- have any of you used this? Know what it costs? The cost of IUI is $295. yup. only $295.

I am beyond ecstatic.

The Doc said when we look through the Donors and pick one, have it shipped to them. They will prep the Troopers and prepare them for the IUI. They want unwashed b/c they like to wash and prepare the sample themselves (is that normal?)   After we pick the donor and we are ready, I take the letrozole on days 3-5 of my cycle. I test for ovulation, and call the day of my LH surge by 3pm, and plan on coming in for my IUI the next day.

THIS is going to be interesting.  #1. I gave my super expensive fertility monitor to my cousin who is having trouble getting pregnant. I thought I would never need it- b/c we would be doing IVF and would be triggered to ovulate. Ooops. I can’t ask for it back! Anyone have one I could borrow or buy?!?!?!   She has been trying since September and I can’t take it back. 😦

#2 I live 4.5 hours away from where we are getting our treatment done. My husband has a seriously busy ass, inflexible job. He can’t just “call in sick” for a day. On any given day there are 20 to 30 patients expecting to see him. They don’t understand when he has an emergency, etc. They think doctors never have a life outside of work. Sigh. I am already stressing that The Kingman will not be there. 😦

We got a brochure from a huge sperm bank at the REs office, and The Kingman was astounded at all the samples in there. He was getting pretty excited over it- even made the comment that “It only makes sense to get our children from an online profile, since we found each other from an online profile.” 🙂 LOL! (We met on eHarmony)

He is doing better every day. We are reading some books suggested to us. “Helping the Stork”, and “Mommies, Daddies, Donors and Surrogates”. I didn’t think he would read them, but he is! YEAH!

As far as when we are going to do it, The Kingman said he is still grieving. He thinks that he will be ready when we go from “I wish we could have a baby that is ‘really‘ ours” to “We are having ‘our’ baby.” Of course I popped of with “How long do you think it is going to take you to get there, b/c I am already there” I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be another year. It took him a year to do his MESA. He said it wouldn’t be that long….let’s hope it isn’t.

So that is where we stand.

IUI after we pick out a donor and my husband is ready. 🙂

I am looking for some counselors in the area for us to go to, and The Kingman has agreed to go (he actually suggested it)

Now I wait. Again. STORY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

I will post soon about the BabyPalooza weekend. I must go be productive for at least a few hours. LOL!

Opening Up. Trying The Unknown.

Wow. Let me first off just say- WOW.  I don’t know if it is the roxycodone, the being waiting on hand and foot, a side effect of the anthesthia- but The Kingman is…different.

Perhaps it is the loss of something he didn’t know he really wanted (biological children), or that on of his worst fears is realized and I am still by his side. Maybe a combination of all the above. All I know is that I am falling more in love with him, and I am thankful for that.   I have read of couples developing chasms after an azoospermia diagnosis, and of withdrawal/anger/etc.  I can tell that I have people praying for us, and sending us good thoughts. I will never EVER take that for granted. I saw a prayer with each blog post I read, and I can feel that at least SOMEONE is doing that for us.

We are Post Op Day 4 (REALLY? WTF have I been?), and The Kingman is doing good! He didn’t really have any swelling- which is good b/c he was terrified of having two grapefruits between his legs. 🙂  The is some bruising actually around the base of his penis, but no swelling or hematoma. His incision looks great (although awfully long- maybe 1.5 inches), and is healing nicely. He goes back to work tomorrow, but I think he could have used one more day off of work. He tried to go today without taking any of the oxycodone, but he only made it until about 11am. Although, it must be stated that he stood at our kitchen counter for about 35-40 minutes doing work from home on his computer immediately prior to the pain.

He actually sat down on the couch and said “Honey, I feel really pre-syncopal”  HA HA. Leave it to a medical professional to say that! Most people would say “I feel like I am going to pass out” or “I feel lightheaded”….no my husband busts out the “pre-sycopal”. As his pale face turned towards me, and his hand reached out…..I couldn’t help but laugh. “Pre-syncopal?” “Really?”

I got him a dose of the oxycodone and he was good after that. I put a call into the Nurse Practitioner at the UroGods office to make sure he could take NSAIDs (he could) and to ask about the stitches. We were led to believe that the wound was closed with glue- but I see some prrreeeetttty big as stitches. Turns out they are dissolvable- but they take around 2-3 weeks to dissolve.  The NP said (I shit you not) “If they (the stitches) get prickly on his prick…uh, I mean, uh, um…*ahem*  Hecanjustcoveritwithanonstickgauze.  I am so sorry for that, I didn’t mean…”

HA HA HA. I just laughed, and reassured him that was fine- I have a good sense of humor. 🙂   Anyhoo- they wrote him for some Tramadol to take at work, but I doubt he will take it. He doesn’t like to take anything when he is working. Tomorrow he has a full day of patients, and he is on call. He figures he is going to stay in his office, and have the nurses bring him the patients to his office. LOL! He will do fine if he doesn’t have to stand or walk for extended periods of time.  Wish him luck!!!

He has done a 180 in this IF ‘thing’. He is now so in tune with all that I have been going through and feeling the last  2 years.  He has been so open and honest with me- it is wonderful. Perhaps it is b/c he has now been told he can’t *have* his own child. Biologically that is, and that has made him realize that he does want it very badly. He is amazed I am still by his side (um, okay- I don’t know what vows he repeated, but mine said “for better or worse, sickness and health….I meant it too!!!), and he sees that having a family will complete us.

I am floored by all this. He has been so affectionate it is almost overwhelming b/c he had lost that part of him the last 1.5 years. It is wonderful. In some strange way this is bringing us closer to each other- has anyone else felt this way before? Are we crazy?

He has been opening talking about our IF with people. This past Friday our friends (that we stayed with after the surgery) had a couple over for his b’day. They were a super sweet couple, and I really liked them. It was obvious that The Kingman had surgery. He was walking around with an icepack on his ‘nads for goodness sake. What shocked me was that he was so open about our infertility struggle with the guy when they were all out on the porch.  The girls were inside, and the new friend asked if I was trying to have get pregnant b/c of a vague comment I made to Mrs. Camper (who is preggo, and has her shower next weekend)…..I should have realized she was an IFer then and there b/c it takes one to spot one a mile away. You girls (and guys) know what I mean. I replied with my usual blasé, noncommittal response that is so scripted I think all my close friends could recite it too.

Then about 5 minutes later my husband went to the bathroom and I followed to see if I could help (yeah, I was helping him- gotta make sure the giblets heal properly!!)…and he said “I told Mr.NewFriend about my surgery, our infertility, and how were are going to have to do IVF. Turns out they are having problems too. Did you tell Mrs.NewFriend?..you should talk to her, and tell her  about  *our* blog friends.”       um…WHAT?!?!??!  Mr. Privacy himself?!?  I was floored.  So a little bit later I brought it up to Mrs. NewFriend, and turns out she has a known problem, and they going to be gettting treatment soon. Woah. See what I mean?

It takes one to know one.

****Let me interject with- WHY ARE ALL THE PEOPLE WE GET ALONG WITH NOT LIVING IN THE SAME CITY AS US?!!?!?!?!*****

Anyways…that is the opening up part of my title. My Husband is okay with talking about our IF…maybe not perhaps the Azoo/DI part of our journey- but the vague “we are infertile and getting help” part- he is okay with.

Wow.

He is also all into this blog now. I am timid to share b/c it has been such a private place for me- my outlet, my refuge…those that have been following awhile understand. Those that are new- I moved over to WordPress from Blogger b/c I also keep a ‘IRL’ Blog that my family and friends follow. I was scared I would post on the wrong blog, or comment under the wrong profile. I lived in fear- especially b/c my venting on my blog could probably hurt some feelings. I moved over to WordPress b/c I can keep the blog mostly open, but still password protect the posts that might offend or hurt someone who knows me IRL.  Those in the know also know that I keep the same password for them all. The Secret word never changes. If you are new and want the password- I just request that you have a blog. I want to verify who you are. I am leery of new blogs and email only requests- please understand why.   I do have to say though- most of the time those password protected ones are pretty good.

I also PWP posts that have pictures of me or other identifying features. 🙂 I have been trying to protect my husband b/c of the line of work he is in.

Okay- so  for trying the Unknown.

My husband is a creature of habit. He we ate pizza, hummus, buffalo wings, sushi, or Burritos every night for the rest of our natural lives- he would be fine with that. If the only movies we could ever watch were Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill..and a few others..he would be delighted. He likes what he likes, and he sees NO reason to try anything new. Why? If you already KNOW you like the burrito, why order the chimmichanga? He always gets the #1 meal at Arby’s, Wendy’s and McDonalds. The plus side is that he is so easy to pick food up for. The downside is that he doesn’t like new things. That requires him to be out of his comfort zone, and that is not good.

SO- this whole azoo thing initially through him for a loop. We did cry- not as much as I thought we would though.  I think what got him through is the fact that I was so prepared for it. I wasn’t blindsided like he was. I didn’t have a Pollyanna attitude about it. I also knew that isn’t the end of our journey. It isn’t a death sentence. I know so many couples that are so happy and complete with their child conceived with donor sperm. I have seen the pictures  and read the blogs for over a year now.

For him it was all new. He didn’t know the stories. He hadn’t been thru the pain and heartache reading blogs of people going through the same thing, and he hasn’t seem them come out the other side.

I KNOW it will all be okay- and I think that really helped him cope. That helped him get through this more intact and less bruised.

I have you girls (and guys) to thank for that. He now realizes all those times I was clickity clacking on the computer blogging, commenting, clicking links, and tearing up were part of my healing process. You all helped me to fortify my mind before the big blow- I was able to be a strong woman for my husband from what I have learned for you all. Your comments, your love, your hope…and also following through all your struggles.

He “gets” blogging now. He gets the uniqueness of the IF community. He is appreciative.

Okay- so why is all THIS making me sob like a baby?!?! Geez I am a dork.

He is on board with the Donor Sperm(DS). Wow.  He wants to seek counseling. WOW.

On our way home yesterday we stopped at the Cracker Barrel for dinner. Of course we were sat right by a table with two small children- the youngest being a baby of around 7-8 months. Normally he would not have even noticed the kids. Unless they started screaming.  He was the one facing them, and they were behind me. He just stared, and smiled. He said “I can do that. I want to do that. I want that life. We are going to have a baby- we are doing Donor Sperm”.

Are you sick of all the sap and gooey crap yet? LOL!

Just wait…when it gets closer to the end of the week, I will be a babbling mess again. Hell, who knows…maybe I will even blunk for you. 🙂

PS- my sweet husband FINALLY realized the torture I go through with The Campers being pregnant. The happiness for them juxtaposed with grief for ourselves. He realized how hard this coming weekend is going to be. He realized we would have already had a baby, long ago, if we would have been quicker with his diagnosis.  it is so sweet for him to realize it.

I wouldn’t change a thing though- b/c he wasn’t ready until now. I need him to be 100% to terms with it all before we move forward. I think he almost is. We still have some stuff to work through, but we will get there.

Hopefully my body will live up to the challenge and not let us down.

OH- you are all awesome if you made it this far!!

my email is babymakingjourney at gmail dot com        The name is from my blogger blog. I couldn’t use it on wordpress b/c it was already taken…but think Bumpy Journey is so much more appropriate.

Night all!!!