Tag Archives: feelings

Doing Well

Update. I am 3 days post op and doing good. Mom and I have been watching a zillion episodes of Doctor Who on BBC America. 🙂 My mom LOVES Doctor Who and doesn’t get it where she lives, so this has been PERFECT!!!!

I am having a little pain still, and it hurts to sit up too long.

Had a few contractions this AM when i forgot my pain pills b/c i overslept.

I keep realizing how freaking lucky we are.

We are beyond blessed, and I guess it is hitting me more now that it is over and done with. I suppose I wouldn’t let myself think too much about the gravity of the situation before the surgery. I didn’t Google funneling, and I asked Kingman not to- or at least not tell me all the info if he did. Sometimes knowledge is power…sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I have been googling the last few days, and I am so glad I didn’t before hand…I would have totally freaked.

I am very lucky that we got this ultrasound. I have had no problems up till now, so it was really just a whim that my doc did it b/c I had an IUI. She is the only doctor I have heard of that gets an extra US b/c of IUIs. She told us that day, that she normally doesn’t- but for some reason she felt the need to. I think it was my angel whispering in her ear. I am lucky I was still 24 weeks- this is generally the cut off for cerclages. I was 24 weeks 4days.  Any later and I would probably have been on complete bed rest in the hospital until delievery.

We are lucky that nothing happened when I was on the many plane rides I took recently.

We are lucky nothing happened IN the Bahamas.

We are lucky we got the stomach bug and didn’t feel like having sex. Hell, we are lucky my libido has been nil and we haven’t been overly active.

The baby has always been really really low. Even at 24 weeks, I only really felt it move right behind my pubic bone and a smidge above. The heart tones were always found extremely low. I never felt much any higher. I carried really low, but my uterus could be felt in the right spot above my belly button. I felt like was waddling b/c my legs wouldn’t walk right- perhaps it is b/c the baby was so low? I don’t know, but that makes sense. Currently the baby is testing out new real estate around and above my belly button. (s)He is more active now, and I swear it kicked my stomach earlier. It is almost like feeling it move for the first time!

my brother calls me Gladstone Gander b/c I have pretty awesome luck.

I will trade in all my luck for the rest of my life to let me carry my sweet baby to term.


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Ooey Gooey Love

I am so very blessed to have so many awesome friends. I may not have that many in the town I live in- but thankfully the few I have are AWESOME.

What has been my sanity and saving grace for the last 2 years (have I really been blogging that long??!?)  has been all my bloggy friends. I have had a chance to meet one in person- Blossom and Her Fruit. She is due any day! She hasn’t blogged in a while, but we have kept in touch a little here and there.  I met her when I went to Chicago  in 2009. It was such a blessing- and I am so happy for her and the soon to be birth of her twins!!

I have met so many great people on this blogosphere. I have a friend IRL that refereed once to people met online as “fake friends”. She wasn’t talking about me, but rather someone else in her life. I didn’t say anything, b/c nothing I can say will make her understand the support system and love that you all give me. To each other….all to “strangers”. Are we really? We turn to these blogs to talk about our most personal feelings- about things we can’t talk to our “real” friends about.

I must admit- I am BLESSED to have several IRL friends I can share pretty much EVERYTHING with. Even uber fertile ones that acknowledge the pain and emptiness I felt with each BFP announcement… BUT. You are that ones that “GET IT”. As much as my IRL friends love me beyond measure…they don’t ‘GET IT’.  Not as a knock to them- I wouldn’t want them to have to understand.

I am just so thankful for you all.  After a while in the blog world, I ventured over to twitter. I had a personal account, but I found that more and more people that I had exchanged emails in the ALI (Adoption/Loss/Infertility) online community were adding me. I then started seeing all the support and love happening….I wanted MORE! I changed my twitter over to match my blog and blocked all IRL people except the ones I trusted …and became an IF tweeter.

The support has blown me away. If you feel like comments on your blogs are hugs- then the flurry of replies to your news (bad/good/etc) will feel like a down right orgy. The support is amazing.

It is funny b/c I will tell people that don’t know about my IF mostly twitter about something I read on twitter. A news story, something funny, etc, and I am met with “You do twitter?”  Sometimes I am worried I will get an “oh- I do too, what is your handle” (or whatever it is called). There are some people I just don’t want to follow me on there.

I have bounced around the idea of a ‘fake’ twitter. A decoy…one that any IRL peeps that are not in my IF circle could stumble across. Sigh…just seems like too much work.

I am SOOOOOOO off course here.

What I am getting around to is that yesterday I had a box on my front porch. I was expecting a box from an IRL friend in TX, so I wasn’t too surprised. Then I saw that it was from another state. Odd.

I opened it and saw wrapped packages. THAT I knew was wrong. I started grinning b/c I knew it was from one of my IF friends. One of my “fake” friends (can I BOLD the quote marks please?).

Beautiful Card!

Opened the beautiful card to find wonderfully sweet words of congratulations.

Foxy Popcorn is one thoughtful, sweet, and compassionate “fake” friend. I am blessed to have her in my life and in my corner.

Opened the box and what do I see?

I opened them and teared up. It was so sweet, and the first homemade thing I have got for the baby. It is even more special b/c she made it, and she is in the trenches with me. To think that she took the time to pick out the fabric, measure, sew, etc- all for my baby- just humbles me.

Back side of blanket is sooooo soft! LOVE IT!

.Hand made quilt and Burp Cloth from Foxy

I know there will be more home made gifts- my best friend is DYING to make stuff, and another is going to monogram stuff after the baby comes.

THIS is special. It was the first for the first

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The Fear

I think infertility can  not be summed up with one word…but one word can describe what people feel  when struggling on their journey to build their family..before, during, and after.


We all pretty much started out happy as clams, popping birth control pills and donning condoms because we feared we would be a statistic. A teenage pregnancy, an unwed mother, or a baby daddy. The Fear caused us to wait with bated breath every month until our period would start. How many times did you or a friend have a pregnancy scare? I am willing to bet everyone.

Then some of us got married, some stayed single by choice- but we weren’t ready for a baby. There wasn’t enough money, didn’t have a good job, wanted to party, wanted SOMETHING other than what we had right then. We feared for our loss of self. We feared for lack of being  to provide a ‘good’ life (I put that in quotes b/c it seems at a young age we seem to think money is required to be a good parent….it isn’t). The Fear.

Then we evolve to the conscious effort to conceive. For those that married- we enter the Happy Clam phase where we think it will be easy peasy breasy. Give me a wine cooler or a bottle of Boone’s Farm and I will be knocked up before the streetlights come on…just like all those kids from highschool did. The Fear is still there…niggling. What if we AREN’T ready? What if we never get to Hawaii now?

And we wait….and wait….The Fear whispers. The velvet tendrils sneak into your brain. You have friends tell you to relax, you have family members talk about how they did this and that, your doctors poo poo you. The Fear has taken hold but good now. The seductive tune it sings is not wanted, but you can’t turn away.

Finally you stand up to the fear. You seek answers, explanations. Why is this not working? Why does this hurt? Why am I so alone? We try to arm ourselves with the battle of warfare against The Fear: knowledge, answers, support.

The doctors appointments come and go. For every answer there are two more questions. For every success story you hear are two heartbreakers. For ever discovery there is another mystery. For every solution there is one.more.problem.  For every week closer seems like another month delay . All along the way The Fear has a way of reinventing itself, conforming to the situation. It is a slick little fucker.

The tests and surgeries. Medications and therapies. Western medicine, Eastern medicine. The months of ‘waiting to see’ how such and such does. The trial and error. The Hope.  All of these things are akin to petri dishes to grow The Fear to epic proportions.

THEN after you have Fear the size of a Macy’s day balloon tethered to you that you can’t escape- the treatments start. IUI, IVF, DE,DS….whatever. It starts.

You fear the medications are not right, you wait with your heart in your throat for the number and US findings. The Fear is right by your side at every appointment whether it is invited or not. For some of us, The Hope can sit on it and deafen sirens song. I think this is related to how many times you have been through it. Each cycle The Hope is beaten down, and The Fear hulks up.

The Fear curls up in our mind during the 2ww. Like a loa loa worm it sits in the eyes- makes you see danger everywhere. That cup of coffee you drank, the day you forgot your vitamin….all harbingers of something horrible. The Fear rings in your ears like tinnitus, making you crazy.

You would think that when you got a BFP The Fear would shrink. The HCG coursing through your blood like chemotherapy. Oh no. It doesn’t. The ugly truth is what few will admit…..or if they do, few talk about. The Fear is fed by HCG. It is fed by progesterone. The velvet tendrils are now icy rivers flowing through your blood, and squeezing your heart.  The Hope is trying, and gains strength with every ultrasound…but those are far and few between.

The Fear has you censoring your words with the women and men that have supported your journey- even though you KNOW you shouldn’t.

The Fear digs deeper if you have no morning sickness…no major cravings. No food aversions. The Fear messes with your head in ways no sociopath could ever fathom. It makes you buy fetal dopplers and press on your tummy every 2 hours even though you KNOW at 10 weeks neither will show anything.

The Fear makes you look away from cribs, bottles, and onesies instead of embracing them.

The Fear keeps your news silent- only a select few know. The Fear has you sneak into maternity shops for bella bands like you are a preacher visiting a whore house crack den. You avoid people and parties. You flat-out lie.

What makes The Fear go away? A sweet goo-ing poo-ing baby snuggled in your arms?


That my friends, in only the beginning.

That is the crux of the situation. It will never go away. The trick is learning to live with it, and to nurture The Hope and Joy.

I am having a hard time doing that lately, but I am trying.



The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010


I am having a mental block when it comes to blogging. I find things that I think about and muse about, but then I find myself censoring. I find myself thinking things that I think will be met with some eyerolls and groans.

Sometimes I swear I forget I am pregnant. I have not been having very many symptoms at all. I was so sick over Christmas, and the fatigue that I have been having is pretty much just like I got over a bad flu. I don’t feel the overwhelming fatigue, but rather I more feel like I am just really lazy. Then I find myself asleep at 4pm for an hour or so. Then I can’t sleep at night. I pee a bunch……honestly that is all. Well, and most of my jeans are now too small- but really more just in my hips, ass and belly (like apple belly, not baby bump), U tgubj U beed ti ubvest ub aq bekka babd,

uh- that was me typing on the wrong keys. LOL. “I think I need to invest in a bella band” HA HA HA.

Anyhoo- we went up to the ILs for New Years and had a blast. Kingman saw some of his friends from childhood that he hasn’t seen since he went off to Graduate school. Spent a lot of time just vegging out, and that was awesome. 🙂

We actually scored tickets to go to the Steelers Playoff game  next weekend, so we are heading back up for that. I am NOT looking forward to the cold weather. I am going to have to get some good layering going on, and pray that it doesn’t rain. I am going to be taking some cute pictures that weekend, and am going to incorporate them into my pregnancy announcement. 🙂

I have a cousin that has been trying to get pregnant for over a year, and I have been trying to call her for a few weeks to talk to her. I wanted to tell her that I am pregnant before she hears it from someone else, but she isn’t returning my phone calls. It was her Grandmother that passed away last year (my aunt), and the holidays were hard for them. I feel bad if I don’t call, then I call and no one calls me back- so why should i keep calling? These are God faring people, so it is confusing to me. I think my aunt would be sad about how this past holiday season went down- family was the most important thing to her and there were no family holidays. I wasn’t home for any of them (Out of town,and then at home sick and husband working- so I had honest excuses).

Anyhoo- I dont’ want her to find out on facebook b/c we ALL know how that is…but what else am I supposed to do?

Speaking of Facebook- UGH. I don’t give a shit if you think Being called mom was the best thing ever, or your daughter is the most beautiful thing ever, or your dog is your best friend or anything else that ALSO includes the phrase “if you agree please repost” .

I am sick of people tYpINg LiKe ThIs…and speking and spilling lak there eediots. Fo Shiz. Most of these people are in their 40s, and should be old enough TO KNOW BETTTTTTTTER. Why are they KNOWINGLY dumbing themselves up. Or down…heck i dunno- maybe it is contagious.

What else? Oh- Kingmans work is driving me nuts…but what is new.

My EX work fucked up my lab test. When I went in on Christmas Eve they did a flu test. I kept calling and the results where NEVER BACK. The next Wednesday (the 29th) there was STILL no result. I knew something was fucked up b/c I know the courier comes at 430 to take labs over to the main hospital. I KNOW the flu tests are done and resulted by 1030 the next day. They have to be b/c you have 48 hours from the onset of flu symptoms to get the meds started. So when four days later they kept giving me the “ah, it hasn’t  been resulted, let me have so and so call you…we can’t find your chart, etc. etc.” I KNEW it was bullshit. I worked there for three fucking years- I SEE THROUGH YOU. I know when you are lying to me- b/c I know how it works. I know the scripting that is used to talk to patients when something is screwed up. Damage control. Geez. I dont’ care- me of all people. I understand accidents happen- just talk to me. I know we are all human. I am probably THE BEST person to have something go wrong on. I understand. (Remember the Thursday Beta that I didn’t get until monday? Most people would be ballistic…me- I am understanding)

Anyhoo- my ex boss called today and told me that the lab tech  (that was new) used the wrong probe to get the nasal sample to test for the flu. I actually asked him that day- it seemed to big…but he said it was the right stuff. (HA, should have trusted my instincts) Anyhoo- the lab has to have a certain swab for their machines, so they didnt’ run it. I understand that. What I DON”T understand is why I wasn’t called earlier? Why did it take almost TWO WEEKS to call me and tell me? I am irritated-but if it was flu positive I wouldn’t have changed anything but had to then choose whether or not to start Tamiflu. I didn’t want to- I am more of a purist with medications and pregnancy. Especially EARLY pregnancy. On the flip side- viruses are also known to cause genetic mutations in early pregnancy….call me crazy, but I want to know what is going on in my body. When I saw the NP for my inital OB appointment 5 days later she wanted to know the result. Especially since I ran a fever for over 24 hours.

Anyhoo- I didn’t get into with my exBoss b/c I didn’t want to say “I am pregnant and was worried” I have not come out of the pregnancy closet yet, and  I know she would tell people. I was lucky enough to have one of the only people at the clinic I trust working and she triage me. She left my LMP a recent date- huge risk on her part. She then pulled the Dr. that saw me aside and told him the details. He knew I was TTC before I left- actually he knew that was why I was forced out of my job (needed the time for my appointments that they wouldn’t give me).

Anyhoo- he was COMPLETELY understanding about nosey nellies and my desire for people not to know. I just don’t know what HE put on the chart. I completely trust him to not say a word..but he is also a great doctor and I don’t know if he put on his narrative anything about me being 7weeks 5 days pregnant.

I really wonder b/c my boss wanted to know “soooo…how are you doing…….are you doing gooooood?”

I will file a HIPPA complaint if I EVER find out she told a soul. I would literally flip the shit out.

Anyways. That is my drama. My life is boring right now. 🙂


We headed up to the BAU this past weekend to meet with Dr. 5000 and get our ultrasound. It was a good weekend- busy trying to see everyone that we needed to see. As per usual I am sure I ticked people off b/c they think b/c I come up there I need to be sure and go see them. NEVER occurs to some people to come where I AM. Since after driving 4 hours I might be a little damn tired of being in the fucking car.  It gets old. Whatev.

Anyhoo- we got to the appt early. Like a hour early. We had checked out of the hotel we stayed in (wanted to be near BWW so Kingman could drink) at 11am, and went to eat BBQ. It was all so fast, and we got to the clinic at 1230- our appt wasn’t until 130pm. LOL. I had my Nintendo DS, and Kingman had his Droid2, so all was good.

What was cool, is that they called us back at 1250!  Just quick history by the fellow, then blood pressure and all that good stuff. They had me undressed and waiting on the doctor by 1pm. They kept apologizing b/c he was still in a meeting (LOL- meaning he was eating still). So the fellow and the resident started on the ultrasound. It was funny b/c the resident was so timid with the vag-a-sound.  Turning it about 5 degrees either way, and not being able to see anything. LOL. I was about to say “Shove it in farther and ram it around crazy girl!!!” The fellow finally guided her what to do and things started showing up.

One little Sweet Oat. (just one! Phew)

o.m.g. It was crazy. Seeing a little cheerio that is the yolk sac, and the fluid filled gestational sac was just surreal. That was really inside ME. They were able to zoom in and get the heart beat. We could see the two separate chambers, and then…swhooosh, swhoosh, swhoosh of the heartbeat. So insane that in just about four weeks THAT was created. A tiny being that is so dependent on me- yet so much seperate with its own beating heart. Already.

Of course I started crying, and laughing…and shot all the pictures to hell and back b/c it is kinda hard to ultrasound a jiggling pelvis. It was crazy to laugh and SEE the little blob move. We got a few printed out pictures, that almost got crushed b/c Kingman was holding onto them so hard. He is so excited. I asked him if he felt any detachment b/c it wasn’t his sperm that created his child- and he said no. He said he had a fleeting second a little bit after the initial seeing/hearing it, but it was also relief. He said he realizes he would be MORE worried that something would be wrong with the baby if it was from him. His health issues have not been disproven to have a genetic link, so we would be terrified he would pass that through his genes. I am so glad to hear that, I was so worried what it would be like when the moment happened.

All of us girls with Azoo know this feeling. They say they are ready, but are they really? Are they just saying go ahead with this cycle to make us happy? Will the pull away and not have an attachment? I obviously can’t speak for all men-but it was totally all OURS. It is OUR baby. This is OUR pregnancy. This little Sweet Oat is going to be Kingman’s Prince or Princess. No further question in either of our hearts.

SO, if you are an Azoo girl, and you are reading this (or an Azoo guy)- it really doesn’t matter. Okay, it does, but it DOESN’T. It is hard to explain. Sigh.

Anyhoo- the doctor said that everything looked “Perfect”. See? I ALREADY have a perfect child. *ahem* 🙂 I measured exactly 6w0d, which is right on target with my LMP and IUI. So my tentative due date is 8/8/10.  I am going to be making FULL use out of my pool this next summer. LOL.

I am going to add a tab up at the top to keep the ultrasounds and other various pictures on- so if you want to see them you. I don’t want to alienate my girls that are still in the journey. I know it is hard to see those grainy black and whites- even if it is a fellow IFer. Feelings don’t stop just because it a comrade that has gotten on the pregnancy train.

🙂 I love you all, and want you all to experience this. If I could delay my pregnancy just one month to insure you all had BFPs I totally would. In my joy, I feel sorrow for pain I know is out there. I pray for you all every time I think about you guys.