Tag Archives: IF SUCKS ARSE

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

I have ripped this from Michele’s Blog. This is a copy and paste of her post b/c she said it so wonderfully.


A NICU nurse alerted me to this and to say that I am pissed off is putting it lightly.  A pharmaceutical company, K-V Pharmaceuticals, has been approved to market P17 (as a drug called Makena), making its cost go from about $20/dose to $1500/dose.  For many women who dont have insurance or for those with percentage based co-pays, this is going to make the drug practically unattainable. (Click here for another article).

WTF!!! Obviously, K-V could care less that, if women dont get this, many could deliver even more preterm babies, that will cost insurance companies MILLIONS in NICU care (or cost their parents the enormous, never ending grief of their deaths due to prematurity or complications from it).  I am angry.  Beyond ticked off.  I was grateful for those ‘butt shots’ and believe that, as part of my care, they helped get Bobby and Maya here a little later rather than sooner, and gave them a fighting chance.  Did it do it by itself?  I dont know, but since my PTL is hormonal as well as cervical, it didn’t hurt and may have been the deciding factor that got me to 27w5d instead of 17w or 20w or 23w.

This is UNACCEPTABLE.  And let’s tell them so.  Tweet it, Facebook it, Blog it.  Let YOUR community know that this type of bullshit is not going to fly in the face of so many of us delivering preterm babies.  And, while you’re at it, let K-V know that their moneymaking scheme, at the expense of babies and their parents, is not just wrong, but crosses a line that we are willing to fight them on.

Write them here:
Investor Relations Department
KV Pharmaceutical Company
One Corporate Woods Drive
Bridgeton, MO 63044
Phone: 314-645-6600
Fax: 314-646-3751
E-mail: investorrelations@kvpharmaceutical.com AND  drugsafety@kvph.com

Ther-Rx Corporation 
Corporate Headquarters 
One Corporate Woods Drive 
Bridgeton, MO 63044 Phone: (314) 646-3700 or (877) 567-7676 
Fax: (314) 646-3701 


The Fear

I think infertility can  not be summed up with one word…but one word can describe what people feel  when struggling on their journey to build their family..before, during, and after.


We all pretty much started out happy as clams, popping birth control pills and donning condoms because we feared we would be a statistic. A teenage pregnancy, an unwed mother, or a baby daddy. The Fear caused us to wait with bated breath every month until our period would start. How many times did you or a friend have a pregnancy scare? I am willing to bet everyone.

Then some of us got married, some stayed single by choice- but we weren’t ready for a baby. There wasn’t enough money, didn’t have a good job, wanted to party, wanted SOMETHING other than what we had right then. We feared for our loss of self. We feared for lack of being  to provide a ‘good’ life (I put that in quotes b/c it seems at a young age we seem to think money is required to be a good parent….it isn’t). The Fear.

Then we evolve to the conscious effort to conceive. For those that married- we enter the Happy Clam phase where we think it will be easy peasy breasy. Give me a wine cooler or a bottle of Boone’s Farm and I will be knocked up before the streetlights come on…just like all those kids from highschool did. The Fear is still there…niggling. What if we AREN’T ready? What if we never get to Hawaii now?

And we wait….and wait….The Fear whispers. The velvet tendrils sneak into your brain. You have friends tell you to relax, you have family members talk about how they did this and that, your doctors poo poo you. The Fear has taken hold but good now. The seductive tune it sings is not wanted, but you can’t turn away.

Finally you stand up to the fear. You seek answers, explanations. Why is this not working? Why does this hurt? Why am I so alone? We try to arm ourselves with the battle of warfare against The Fear: knowledge, answers, support.

The doctors appointments come and go. For every answer there are two more questions. For every success story you hear are two heartbreakers. For ever discovery there is another mystery. For every solution there is one.more.problem.  For every week closer seems like another month delay . All along the way The Fear has a way of reinventing itself, conforming to the situation. It is a slick little fucker.

The tests and surgeries. Medications and therapies. Western medicine, Eastern medicine. The months of ‘waiting to see’ how such and such does. The trial and error. The Hope.  All of these things are akin to petri dishes to grow The Fear to epic proportions.

THEN after you have Fear the size of a Macy’s day balloon tethered to you that you can’t escape- the treatments start. IUI, IVF, DE,DS….whatever. It starts.

You fear the medications are not right, you wait with your heart in your throat for the number and US findings. The Fear is right by your side at every appointment whether it is invited or not. For some of us, The Hope can sit on it and deafen sirens song. I think this is related to how many times you have been through it. Each cycle The Hope is beaten down, and The Fear hulks up.

The Fear curls up in our mind during the 2ww. Like a loa loa worm it sits in the eyes- makes you see danger everywhere. That cup of coffee you drank, the day you forgot your vitamin….all harbingers of something horrible. The Fear rings in your ears like tinnitus, making you crazy.

You would think that when you got a BFP The Fear would shrink. The HCG coursing through your blood like chemotherapy. Oh no. It doesn’t. The ugly truth is what few will admit…..or if they do, few talk about. The Fear is fed by HCG. It is fed by progesterone. The velvet tendrils are now icy rivers flowing through your blood, and squeezing your heart.  The Hope is trying, and gains strength with every ultrasound…but those are far and few between.

The Fear has you censoring your words with the women and men that have supported your journey- even though you KNOW you shouldn’t.

The Fear digs deeper if you have no morning sickness…no major cravings. No food aversions. The Fear messes with your head in ways no sociopath could ever fathom. It makes you buy fetal dopplers and press on your tummy every 2 hours even though you KNOW at 10 weeks neither will show anything.

The Fear makes you look away from cribs, bottles, and onesies instead of embracing them.

The Fear keeps your news silent- only a select few know. The Fear has you sneak into maternity shops for bella bands like you are a preacher visiting a whore house crack den. You avoid people and parties. You flat-out lie.

What makes The Fear go away? A sweet goo-ing poo-ing baby snuggled in your arms?


That my friends, in only the beginning.

That is the crux of the situation. It will never go away. The trick is learning to live with it, and to nurture The Hope and Joy.

I am having a hard time doing that lately, but I am trying.



The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

So It Begins.

The waiting. The anticipation. The frustration. The tears. The hopefulness. The futile fucking hope.

I have not tested, but I don’t need to. I know. I know my body-unless my uterus is pranking me with the most UNCOOL Halloween joke ever. You know how the Natives would put their ear to ground and hear/feel the hoof beats of upcoming frienemies? I feel Auntie Fucking Flo coming. I feel the slight tremors of pebbles on the ground, the unsettled feeling of ‘just knowing’.  Just  Call me Bumpy “Cries Over Flo” Journey.

I told The King last night that felt my period coming- the low backache like I lifted something wrong. The aching in my thighs, the *TMI* painful poop shooter, the Mt. Vesuvius on my chin, emotional liability. All harbingers of some thing most foul. I cried hysterical cries almost. I don’t think he has ever seen that before. It was to the point were he asked me if we needed to go to the ER. (HAHAHAHA) I had to shut it down least I made him think I was unsuitable to go through this again. I was good, I got it out.

Until this AM. See- every morning he kisses me good-bye. Every day. The TWO times in our life we haven’t he has called and apologized. I love this- it is starting our day out right. We always kiss goodbye and goodnight. We always say I love you. Since the IUI he has been kissing my belly (I had to redirect him after the first few days b/c it was just weird for him to be kissing my small bowel.) The first few days he would text me “How is the morula?” Then How is Blasto?”  then “How is our Embaby?” Also kissing me and our “growing” family.

This morning he only kissed me.

Broke. My. Heart.

Every Craptastic Day Has….

….a silver lining.

After today, all I can say is THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS. I had a hard time after I moved here three years ago. I had a hard time finding friends, finding people to connect with. Hard time feeling “home”. I felt out of place, and didn’t connect with anyone. I started working out and got along smashingly with my trainer(ShitBrickHouse- Sorry girl….you were dubbed that a long time ago). Little did I know that I would save my mental health with this personal training. My physical health- meh. I hate working out, so I am still overweight. That is not her fault, but rather my hand to mouth excercise that I do. All. The. Time. LOL.

Anyhoo. Let me back up. Today sucked ass.  Started out POAS to check for my LH surge. The test strips were the 20 to a pack literal sticks. I started POAS cd4 (forgot to until then- I am new to actually actively  doing treatments, so I was confused!!!).  When I used the clear blue fertility monitor, my LH surge would show up around day 15-17, sometimes even into the 20s. My period would come around day 31. I have all the symptoms usually- egg white cervical mucous, pangs, tenderness, increased sex drive, etc. etc. etc. Text book symptoms.

Since POAS this cycle it has remained the same color (the test line versus the control line) a faint faint pink line. If I saw that on a HPT I would think I was MAYBE pregnant. On an OPK, I think- no LH surge yet. So imagine my surprise  when this am it is hardly even a faint outline of a line. Lighter than before. EH? Isn’t it supposed to get DARKER for LH surges? I peed on several sticks…opened a new pack (after hurling the 6 packs of HPTs across my extra bathroom in rage and fear) and used them.

Desperate call to my REs nurse. Who is apparently out of work until further notice b/c of an eye duct surgery and post op infection. GRRRRRR.

THEN the yard people cutting my cable line (internet). Then me realizing my internet was still up- so they must have cut a defunk line. Called and told the dispatch people for the cable company. Said he was already on his way, but they would tell him.

Cable man gets here, and proceeds to disconnect my cable and rip up the WORKING line without checking in. Then apparently it took 1 hour or so to get done what took him 5 minutes to destruct. Grrrr. Whatever- he fixed it.

During this time I was on the phone with Miss SBH no less than three times. Each call lasting about 1 minute until the next person rang my doorbell or called my home phone with a problem.

THEN the delivery people called and said they were coming early (WOO HOOOO!!!) with my new snazzy fridge. I frantically empty the fridge, and the arrive. I think oh- lucky me. Early. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

The fridge comes through the door so beautiful, new and shiny. I am drooling. I want to go by lettuce for the crisper. I want wine to go in the wine rack. Sigh.

It slid right in without any problems…until we tried to open the left side door. Apparently when you open french door/ bottom freezers the width is ACTUALLY an inch or so MORE than what the stated measurements are. The door opens and goes to the side, and it couldn’t b/c there is a MOTHER FUCKING WALL THERE. I saw my beautiful, new, shiny fridge get loaded back up on the truck and hauled away. You can’t have a fridge that you can’t open the doors. to. Sigh. In the midst of it, I was trying to call my husband to figure out what to do. He couldn’t call back.

Finally he calls back, and I am on the phone with him when the Owner of the Landscaping company shows up. To figure out the cable issue, and talk about sprinklers. I had JUST gotten to the LH stick situation, so he is all “You have to finish telling me- what is going on? Did you ovulate?”, and I all “I have to GO!”

So two new sprinkler heads and negative three hydrangea bushes later (the are coming tomorrow) I call him back. By now I am in tears. I tell him about the LH situation, that this cycle may be a bust, I am heartbroken, nothing ever goes right for me, I am a shit maganet…basically woe is me….times four. I got a good cry out, and he calmed me down. Told me to go get a glass of wine and sit by the pool. As I go to get some wine out of liquor cabinet I got BACK on the phone to call my friend (Miss SBH) and there is ringing of my doorbell. A shitstorm of cuss words and epitaphs escaped my mouth about whoever was ringing my doorbell, and if they had bad news I was going to let them have it. I hung up before my friend could answer.

I open the door and guess what?

My wonderful friend. With Starbucks……and Panera. Coffee and bread. There IS A GOD!!!!!  I felt so much better just seeing her on my doorstep. I am so very very blessed. She knows all of our journey- she actually has this blog site (Hi ShitBrickHouse!), and I trust her implicitly. She actually gave me the idea to put peach brandy in my cinnamon dolce latte. THANK YOU!

So. We talked, and the stress of the day melted away. Isn’t amazing how a friend’s simple presence can be the balm your soul needs? Well, and coffee and bread…and booze….but you all know what I mean! 🙂

So as the after wears on, I am getting more and more anxious. No call…no call….no call. Finally at 4pm (or so) RING! I get a call from the nurse in the clinic. Not my nurse, but another since she is out from surgery. She said that it was really weird about my test strips. Who knows what is going on. Said to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound.  By 1030am. YIKES>

Did I mention Big Ass University is 4 hours away?  Did I mention my husband is on call tonight?

She said that the IUI most likely wouldn’t happen tomorrow, just a monitoring US to see where my follies stand. Said that if I had not ovulated they would measure them, and then probably trigger me with HCG. If the follies were close I would trigger tomorrow or thursday. I would totally prefer Thursday since The King has Friday off of work…but I will do what they recommend. I would love for my husband to be there when I get pregnant. 🙂

Anyhoo- so that is where I stand. Had to cancel my dental appointment for the SECOND TIME this month. They think I am a big flake I am sure.

AHHHH!!!!! So, I guess I am getting up at 530am to get on the road by 6am to get up there. Ugh. I texted The King with the news and haven’t heard back from him…which means he is super busy.

I am in a good place now.

Did I mention that I lose my license? You have to go down in PERSON to get a new one. I don’t’ think they open at 5am so I am going to have to drive 500+ without one….or miss my opportunity to have a child this month after years of infertility. Um….yeah. Don’t judge. LOL

Bitter Sweet.

I ain’t talking about chocolate either.

As all my infertile friends know- the unique emotions associated with childbirth. When it isn’t our own. OBVIOUSLY. (hardy har har). When someone that is dear to us gives birth, we have such a juxtaposition of emotions. It is so hard to put to words, but I am going to try.   Our hearts are full of love and empty at the same time. Our hearts burst with joy and break with sadness.  We are humbled and envious. We are smiling ear to ear with joy, and seething with anger. We are so proud, yet feel so ashamed.  We are so thankful, but feel the abyss of hopelessness. We are so excited and giddy to see this sweet bundle of love, yet want to crawl into a whole and ignore the world.

We grow confused and betrayed. Of our emotions, our thoughts, our bodies. We get weary of the spectrum of emotions, and want beyond words to get off of the roller coaster. It isn’t even a roller coaster- it is a gosh darn rocket ship. Slated to blast off to outter space and come crashing back down. Sans parachute.

My best friend Miss Sweetness had her baby today. She and I have a friendship  that very very few get to experience in their lifetimes. I met her in college. We got together to study, and were best friends before the night was over. She helped me grow out of my shell from a rough high school period with my family. Taught me that I am not defined by abuse…to love myself.  I learned how to stand up for myself from her. I learned it is okay to be own person, and that it is okay to be late to class. The last one was learned by default b/c she was always late to pick me up to GO to class. LOL. I am blessed to have her as my best friend- I thank God every day for her

*you’re going to like this segway*

I  got drunk for the first time with her- on Boone’s Farms Strawberry…uh, whatever that crap is. Then we somehow ended up with vodka and decided it would be a good idea to do shots before a huge a&p test (we took the class at night). The funny part is that was the best both of us did on a test that entire year. LOL!  Nothing like taking a test with one eye closed to make you ace it.

We were pretty much inseparable until a few years ago when she moved to be near her fiancé, and I went travel nursing. We lived together for a year, and also together when we did a job stint together for 5 months. We worked together at another time- drove an hour each way and had the same schedule. During this time we only had two major fights. In one instance we were okay within hours and we laughed about it instantly. The other took a few hours to get over (as it was alcohol fueled), but we had to drive 44 hours together so we had no choice. That in addition to the fact we didn’t know HOW to be mad at each other.

We always know what the other on is thinking. It is eerie to be honest with you. Her favorite phrase is “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Even during our lives apart now (we live around 7 hours away from each other), we are in tune with each other.

*bear with me* I am really trying to work this all out in my head. The joy, pride, love, anger, hurt, hopelessness.

When she told me she was going to try and get pregnant January of 2009 in the fall of 2009, I thought. Well, I hope she isn’t too overcome with morning sickness to come visit my new baby.  I just KNEW we would be getting pregnant any day. Oh the naivety.

I wrote about my visit to her HERE. For the most part my joy for her has eclipsed any self centered negative emotions I had. She was admitted last and gave birth today at 1022am. My little pseudo nephew is here. Well, 7 hours north of me…but here on terra firma. Okay- here in the atmosphere. LOL. You all know what I mean.  I am so happy for my friend, my best friend. She is a Mommy. My best friend that told me she was pregnant before she told anyone in her family- b/c she knew how much it would hurt. My best friend who is the funniest woman I know. My best friend who, until the last few weeks of her pregnancy, hardly complained a word to me about being pregnant. Even though I knew she was miserable. She didn’t want me to hurt.

Now she is a Mommy, and I can’t help but wish it was me. I can’t help but feel the emptiness. I am so guilty and feel so selfish. This day isn’t’ about mine or The King’s physical shortcomings. It is about her beautiful new Monkey.

Ironically I have my THIRD IF support group tomorrow night, so I can’t go up there to see him. My 3rd group, that I have pretty much figured out no one is ever going to come to. I can’t go see my best friend’s new baby b/c I have to be their for a freakin’ IF support group. That consists of ONE. MOI!

I know as soon as I see that precious little baby these feelings will start to be dissolved- well as least as far as she goes. My joy, pride, and happiness with again eclipse my worthlessness and despair.

Until then….where is the fucking wine?

Support Needed!

First off- head over to Determined Dory and wish her luck. They did a TESE and ER yesterday (obviously one on her husband and one on her..hee hee). I won’t tell the story here…you must go HERE and read it- and you must comment if you go there. 🙂    Lets just say, I am tearing up over it just retyping it. Pray hard for them please!!!

There are a lot of people going through a lot right now so much. Nic needs a lot of support and love right now. Her damn Aunt showed up today…they one we all despise and curse. I am in tears for her too. The King and I were going to cycle at the same time, before the trip to England was planned. So, it is so hurtful too see her BFN. I so want to see her while I am in the UK and give her a baby present from the USA.

Foxy Popcorn (doesn’t that name RAWK?) has had a crappy week. Please head over and tell her you are thinking of her (or whatever comes to your mind- just please comment, and lets flood her with love). Once again I won’t go into too much detail b/c I want you read it in her words.  If you haven’t read her blog yet- she is great writer, and a great addition to any Google Reader.

Um, that kind of sounded like an advertisement. LOL!

There are bunch of heartaches going around in the IF circuit, and I am praying hard for everyone.  I don’t know if anyone else has been having issues posting comments on Blogger, but I have been. I have had to resort to the option where you enter your name and url. If there is only the option to do the specific log in (Typepad/openId/wordpress etc.) I get an error message and I can’t leave a comment. I have also had issues commenting on Conceive.com. There is a good article on Cheating on your RE (HA HA- YUP!), but it says my IP address is blocked.?!?!?! Not a clue. I have commented recently, with no issues. Weird huh?

I have a some more stuffs mulling around…but shall be PWP posts. If you need it, please email me- or leave a comment on this post. I request an email and website to verify. I don’t want trolls, gnomes, zombies, or certain IRL peeps having my PWP posts. If you already have it and you are IRL- you are privileged!! 🙂

Loves to all!