Tag Archives: Monkey

Bitter Sweet.

I ain’t talking about chocolate either.

As all my infertile friends know- the unique emotions associated with childbirth. When it isn’t our own. OBVIOUSLY. (hardy har har). When someone that is dear to us gives birth, we have such a juxtaposition of emotions. It is so hard to put to words, but I am going to try.   Our hearts are full of love and empty at the same time. Our hearts burst with joy and break with sadness.  We are humbled and envious. We are smiling ear to ear with joy, and seething with anger. We are so proud, yet feel so ashamed.  We are so thankful, but feel the abyss of hopelessness. We are so excited and giddy to see this sweet bundle of love, yet want to crawl into a whole and ignore the world.

We grow confused and betrayed. Of our emotions, our thoughts, our bodies. We get weary of the spectrum of emotions, and want beyond words to get off of the roller coaster. It isn’t even a roller coaster- it is a gosh darn rocket ship. Slated to blast off to outter space and come crashing back down. Sans parachute.

My best friend Miss Sweetness had her baby today. She and I have a friendship  that very very few get to experience in their lifetimes. I met her in college. We got together to study, and were best friends before the night was over. She helped me grow out of my shell from a rough high school period with my family. Taught me that I am not defined by abuse…to love myself.  I learned how to stand up for myself from her. I learned it is okay to be own person, and that it is okay to be late to class. The last one was learned by default b/c she was always late to pick me up to GO to class. LOL. I am blessed to have her as my best friend- I thank God every day for her

*you’re going to like this segway*

I  got drunk for the first time with her- on Boone’s Farms Strawberry…uh, whatever that crap is. Then we somehow ended up with vodka and decided it would be a good idea to do shots before a huge a&p test (we took the class at night). The funny part is that was the best both of us did on a test that entire year. LOL!  Nothing like taking a test with one eye closed to make you ace it.

We were pretty much inseparable until a few years ago when she moved to be near her fiancé, and I went travel nursing. We lived together for a year, and also together when we did a job stint together for 5 months. We worked together at another time- drove an hour each way and had the same schedule. During this time we only had two major fights. In one instance we were okay within hours and we laughed about it instantly. The other took a few hours to get over (as it was alcohol fueled), but we had to drive 44 hours together so we had no choice. That in addition to the fact we didn’t know HOW to be mad at each other.

We always know what the other on is thinking. It is eerie to be honest with you. Her favorite phrase is “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Even during our lives apart now (we live around 7 hours away from each other), we are in tune with each other.

*bear with me* I am really trying to work this all out in my head. The joy, pride, love, anger, hurt, hopelessness.

When she told me she was going to try and get pregnant January of 2009 in the fall of 2009, I thought. Well, I hope she isn’t too overcome with morning sickness to come visit my new baby.  I just KNEW we would be getting pregnant any day. Oh the naivety.

I wrote about my visit to her HERE. For the most part my joy for her has eclipsed any self centered negative emotions I had. She was admitted last and gave birth today at 1022am. My little pseudo nephew is here. Well, 7 hours north of me…but here on terra firma. Okay- here in the atmosphere. LOL. You all know what I mean.  I am so happy for my friend, my best friend. She is a Mommy. My best friend that told me she was pregnant before she told anyone in her family- b/c she knew how much it would hurt. My best friend who is the funniest woman I know. My best friend who, until the last few weeks of her pregnancy, hardly complained a word to me about being pregnant. Even though I knew she was miserable. She didn’t want me to hurt.

Now she is a Mommy, and I can’t help but wish it was me. I can’t help but feel the emptiness. I am so guilty and feel so selfish. This day isn’t’ about mine or The King’s physical shortcomings. It is about her beautiful new Monkey.

Ironically I have my THIRD IF support group tomorrow night, so I can’t go up there to see him. My 3rd group, that I have pretty much figured out no one is ever going to come to. I can’t go see my best friend’s new baby b/c I have to be their for a freakin’ IF support group. That consists of ONE. MOI!

I know as soon as I see that precious little baby these feelings will start to be dissolved- well as least as far as she goes. My joy, pride, and happiness with again eclipse my worthlessness and despair.

Until then….where is the fucking wine?

Pseudo Auntie Bumpy :)

ICLW visitors Click HERE to check out my welcome post.

ICLW Baseball Players CLICK HERE to check out my baseball post. 🙂

The Campers are parents now. The little Campster was born at 11:58am today. 🙂 I got a text message right when I got off at work at 1215pm. (I am uber-impressed at Mr. Camper’s notification skills!!!!)

I got a little choked up there for a while looking at the picture. I guess I just let it hit me for about 15 minutes. I stared at the picture and just ached. I am so very very VERY happy for them. It is just surreal to see their baby. The baby they were planning on creating 11 months before the was conceived. The baby that they planned for when The King and I had been trying for over a year.

It is just surreal. Soon my BESTEST friend Miss Sweetness will have her sweet baby boy- this little boy I am going to call Monkey(unless it changes after I meet him). I am so excited for her, and so happy that she is going to be a mom.

I can’t lie and say I won’t be sad for me. I can’t believe that she is having a baby before me. (unless I have miraculous conception and insanely fast gestation).

This is really happening. One of my best friends became a Mommy today.

Thank you for all of your sweet comments on my last post. Not to toot my own horn or anything (HA HA HA), but I am a pretty cool cookie in a crisis. 🙂  I learned to channel my anxiety and energy when I worked in the ER, Neonatal ICU and NeuroICU. You have to have a certain  level of adrenalin to get the job done- but you have to keep a cool head.  Even if I don’t ever do critical care nursing again, I know that I did it for a reason.

Another of my friends (okay, I hesitate to call her ‘BEST” b/c it seems like I call all my friends “BEST” friends- but really- I DO!!! )  Anyways- I was with her for all three of her boy’s births. It was amazing and scary. Her first delivery she had uterine atony and bled out. I am the one who noticed she was not acting right. I am the one that turned her head when she started puking and asked the doc if he wanted me to open the fluids up. Luckily her doctor was also my OB/GYN at the time- and he knew me well. I was seeing him every three months for my endo, and knew from the ER as a nurse- so he trusted me and let me.  LOL!

The stupid l&d nurse felt for a pulse on her wrist and was all “OMG SHE IS PULSELESS”. Her husband was just frozen. I pointed out calmly that her pulse ox was picking up a pulse rate and oxygen level, and I felt one in her carotid (neck). the IDIOT nurse couldn’t get a second IV. By this time she was out cold, b/p 60s systolic, pulse rate 130s. I just looked at the Doc and asked if I could try- he said “Go for it”. I got the IV stuff from the nurse and was about to stick her when the damn anesthesiologist came in and yelled “STOP!!!” GRRRRRR. Even her (my) doc said “dammit” under his breath.

Come to find out later, that this anesthesiologist wasn’t the best IV starter. SERIOUSLY? No lie? he had to stick her three times before he got it. In the meantime I hiked the other fluid bag up to the ceiling (makes it go in faster the higher it is). I started to squeeze the bag but her doc caught my eye and discreetly shook his head. I also found out later that the anesthesiologist was an ass and has written up l&d nurses for taking it upon themselves to do stuff like that.  Here I am as a visitor.

Oh well-long story short.. my friend was okay. She went on to do it two more times- and I was there for all of them. It is amazing to me to see their little personalities come out right from the start.

Anyways. I am a great support person. I DO keep my head. I stay calm and give great directions. I listen to what people AREN’T saying. Sometimes that is more informative than what they are saying verbally.

But.

I KNOW I am going to be a bluthering idiot. When it comes to me in pain- I turn into someone else. I am a wimp. I whine. I listen to no one. I don’t follow directions.

Case #1 My ex had a girl who was 2 at the time. She walked across a floor grate/heater one morning while we were still in bed. I have never heard a scream like that. I was an ER nurse for about 3 years at that time- and had run countless codes. I should have been able to keep a level head. NOPE. I started bawling. I had no idea what to do for her. I called my mom squalling. I totally forgot not to apply ice. I put her feet in the bath tub and had my ex dump ice in the tub. Duh. I KNOW not to do that!!!!! (the ice water is too cold and actually harms the tissue- cool tap water is fine, but sterile towels with sterile saline is the best.)   I felt helpless and useless. I forgot to give her motrin to help with the pain.  After thirty minutes of her crying and me crying (her father was useless) my mother called back and said “You probably already did this, but don’t forget to give her some pain medicine”.   DUH.

That did not instill hope in my parenting skills

Case #2  I had my tonsils out 4-2008. It was horrific. SO MUCH PAIN. I couldn’t taste or smell anything, and actually had altered feeling in my mouth for about 14 days. 7 days post op I was eating some mashed potatoes minding my own business and thought  felt myself drooling. I looked down at my mashed potato bowl and saw something akin to a Quentin Tarantino Film.

My chest was bloody, there was blood all in the taters. As I looked down it was FLOWING out of my mouth. I froze. Then I panicked. I had left the phone in another room, and had to get up to go get it and call my husband. This was actually the first day I was alone. I was shaking so bad I dropped the bloody taters. Gross doesn’t even cover it. First of all- one milliliter of blood looks like an awful lot. I dont’ know how much I lost- but I sure it wasn’t THAT much overall…but I thought I was surely dying.

I didn’t cry until the receptionist at my husband’s office answered. Then I was a blithering, garbled idiot. I dont’ know how they figured out who I was. By the time he got home 10 minutes later the bleeding was a lot less but I was nauseated and terrified to vomit. I was shaking and crying. I was so panicky my husband almost called the EMS (he told me this part just a few weeks ago).

Turns out I had a scab come off to soon and they had to stop the bleeding. They gave me MORE pain medicine. I was on Lortab AND Demerol AND phenergan. I think their plan was to drug me to the point I didn’t want to eat and tear off more scabs. LOL. I was only allowed ice chips the next 24 hours and liquids 48 hours after that anyways.

ANYWAYS. My point is that I am a great person in a crisis if it isn’t me- or a child I consider mine. Yikes.

um- i don’t really know how I got off on that tangent. That was random.
I am currently waiting for the KING to get off of work so we can drive up to his post op appt in the AM. driving hours starting at 8pm? Niiiiiiiice. I really hope he wants to drive. I hate HATE driving at night. I always get so sleepy. He doesn’t like listening to my audiobooks and I get tired of 80s music. I usually end up with ear buds in. LOL.