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Opening Up. Trying The Unknown.

Wow. Let me first off just say- WOW.  I don’t know if it is the roxycodone, the being waiting on hand and foot, a side effect of the anthesthia- but The Kingman is…different.

Perhaps it is the loss of something he didn’t know he really wanted (biological children), or that on of his worst fears is realized and I am still by his side. Maybe a combination of all the above. All I know is that I am falling more in love with him, and I am thankful for that.   I have read of couples developing chasms after an azoospermia diagnosis, and of withdrawal/anger/etc.  I can tell that I have people praying for us, and sending us good thoughts. I will never EVER take that for granted. I saw a prayer with each blog post I read, and I can feel that at least SOMEONE is doing that for us.

We are Post Op Day 4 (REALLY? WTF have I been?), and The Kingman is doing good! He didn’t really have any swelling- which is good b/c he was terrified of having two grapefruits between his legs. 🙂  The is some bruising actually around the base of his penis, but no swelling or hematoma. His incision looks great (although awfully long- maybe 1.5 inches), and is healing nicely. He goes back to work tomorrow, but I think he could have used one more day off of work. He tried to go today without taking any of the oxycodone, but he only made it until about 11am. Although, it must be stated that he stood at our kitchen counter for about 35-40 minutes doing work from home on his computer immediately prior to the pain.

He actually sat down on the couch and said “Honey, I feel really pre-syncopal”  HA HA. Leave it to a medical professional to say that! Most people would say “I feel like I am going to pass out” or “I feel lightheaded”….no my husband busts out the “pre-sycopal”. As his pale face turned towards me, and his hand reached out…..I couldn’t help but laugh. “Pre-syncopal?” “Really?”

I got him a dose of the oxycodone and he was good after that. I put a call into the Nurse Practitioner at the UroGods office to make sure he could take NSAIDs (he could) and to ask about the stitches. We were led to believe that the wound was closed with glue- but I see some prrreeeetttty big as stitches. Turns out they are dissolvable- but they take around 2-3 weeks to dissolve.  The NP said (I shit you not) “If they (the stitches) get prickly on his prick…uh, I mean, uh, um…*ahem*  Hecanjustcoveritwithanonstickgauze.  I am so sorry for that, I didn’t mean…”

HA HA HA. I just laughed, and reassured him that was fine- I have a good sense of humor. 🙂   Anyhoo- they wrote him for some Tramadol to take at work, but I doubt he will take it. He doesn’t like to take anything when he is working. Tomorrow he has a full day of patients, and he is on call. He figures he is going to stay in his office, and have the nurses bring him the patients to his office. LOL! He will do fine if he doesn’t have to stand or walk for extended periods of time.  Wish him luck!!!

He has done a 180 in this IF ‘thing’. He is now so in tune with all that I have been going through and feeling the last  2 years.  He has been so open and honest with me- it is wonderful. Perhaps it is b/c he has now been told he can’t *have* his own child. Biologically that is, and that has made him realize that he does want it very badly. He is amazed I am still by his side (um, okay- I don’t know what vows he repeated, but mine said “for better or worse, sickness and health….I meant it too!!!), and he sees that having a family will complete us.

I am floored by all this. He has been so affectionate it is almost overwhelming b/c he had lost that part of him the last 1.5 years. It is wonderful. In some strange way this is bringing us closer to each other- has anyone else felt this way before? Are we crazy?

He has been opening talking about our IF with people. This past Friday our friends (that we stayed with after the surgery) had a couple over for his b’day. They were a super sweet couple, and I really liked them. It was obvious that The Kingman had surgery. He was walking around with an icepack on his ‘nads for goodness sake. What shocked me was that he was so open about our infertility struggle with the guy when they were all out on the porch.  The girls were inside, and the new friend asked if I was trying to have get pregnant b/c of a vague comment I made to Mrs. Camper (who is preggo, and has her shower next weekend)…..I should have realized she was an IFer then and there b/c it takes one to spot one a mile away. You girls (and guys) know what I mean. I replied with my usual blasé, noncommittal response that is so scripted I think all my close friends could recite it too.

Then about 5 minutes later my husband went to the bathroom and I followed to see if I could help (yeah, I was helping him- gotta make sure the giblets heal properly!!)…and he said “I told Mr.NewFriend about my surgery, our infertility, and how were are going to have to do IVF. Turns out they are having problems too. Did you tell Mrs.NewFriend?..you should talk to her, and tell her  about  *our* blog friends.”       um…WHAT?!?!??!  Mr. Privacy himself?!?  I was floored.  So a little bit later I brought it up to Mrs. NewFriend, and turns out she has a known problem, and they going to be gettting treatment soon. Woah. See what I mean?

It takes one to know one.


Anyways…that is the opening up part of my title. My Husband is okay with talking about our IF…maybe not perhaps the Azoo/DI part of our journey- but the vague “we are infertile and getting help” part- he is okay with.


He is also all into this blog now. I am timid to share b/c it has been such a private place for me- my outlet, my refuge…those that have been following awhile understand. Those that are new- I moved over to WordPress from Blogger b/c I also keep a ‘IRL’ Blog that my family and friends follow. I was scared I would post on the wrong blog, or comment under the wrong profile. I lived in fear- especially b/c my venting on my blog could probably hurt some feelings. I moved over to WordPress b/c I can keep the blog mostly open, but still password protect the posts that might offend or hurt someone who knows me IRL.  Those in the know also know that I keep the same password for them all. The Secret word never changes. If you are new and want the password- I just request that you have a blog. I want to verify who you are. I am leery of new blogs and email only requests- please understand why.   I do have to say though- most of the time those password protected ones are pretty good.

I also PWP posts that have pictures of me or other identifying features. 🙂 I have been trying to protect my husband b/c of the line of work he is in.

Okay- so  for trying the Unknown.

My husband is a creature of habit. He we ate pizza, hummus, buffalo wings, sushi, or Burritos every night for the rest of our natural lives- he would be fine with that. If the only movies we could ever watch were Pulp Fiction, Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill..and a few others..he would be delighted. He likes what he likes, and he sees NO reason to try anything new. Why? If you already KNOW you like the burrito, why order the chimmichanga? He always gets the #1 meal at Arby’s, Wendy’s and McDonalds. The plus side is that he is so easy to pick food up for. The downside is that he doesn’t like new things. That requires him to be out of his comfort zone, and that is not good.

SO- this whole azoo thing initially through him for a loop. We did cry- not as much as I thought we would though.  I think what got him through is the fact that I was so prepared for it. I wasn’t blindsided like he was. I didn’t have a Pollyanna attitude about it. I also knew that isn’t the end of our journey. It isn’t a death sentence. I know so many couples that are so happy and complete with their child conceived with donor sperm. I have seen the pictures  and read the blogs for over a year now.

For him it was all new. He didn’t know the stories. He hadn’t been thru the pain and heartache reading blogs of people going through the same thing, and he hasn’t seem them come out the other side.

I KNOW it will all be okay- and I think that really helped him cope. That helped him get through this more intact and less bruised.

I have you girls (and guys) to thank for that. He now realizes all those times I was clickity clacking on the computer blogging, commenting, clicking links, and tearing up were part of my healing process. You all helped me to fortify my mind before the big blow- I was able to be a strong woman for my husband from what I have learned for you all. Your comments, your love, your hope…and also following through all your struggles.

He “gets” blogging now. He gets the uniqueness of the IF community. He is appreciative.

Okay- so why is all THIS making me sob like a baby?!?! Geez I am a dork.

He is on board with the Donor Sperm(DS). Wow.  He wants to seek counseling. WOW.

On our way home yesterday we stopped at the Cracker Barrel for dinner. Of course we were sat right by a table with two small children- the youngest being a baby of around 7-8 months. Normally he would not have even noticed the kids. Unless they started screaming.  He was the one facing them, and they were behind me. He just stared, and smiled. He said “I can do that. I want to do that. I want that life. We are going to have a baby- we are doing Donor Sperm”.

Are you sick of all the sap and gooey crap yet? LOL!

Just wait…when it gets closer to the end of the week, I will be a babbling mess again. Hell, who knows…maybe I will even blunk for you. 🙂

PS- my sweet husband FINALLY realized the torture I go through with The Campers being pregnant. The happiness for them juxtaposed with grief for ourselves. He realized how hard this coming weekend is going to be. He realized we would have already had a baby, long ago, if we would have been quicker with his diagnosis.  it is so sweet for him to realize it.

I wouldn’t change a thing though- b/c he wasn’t ready until now. I need him to be 100% to terms with it all before we move forward. I think he almost is. We still have some stuff to work through, but we will get there.

Hopefully my body will live up to the challenge and not let us down.

OH- you are all awesome if you made it this far!!

my email is babymakingjourney at gmail dot com        The name is from my blogger blog. I couldn’t use it on wordpress b/c it was already taken…but think Bumpy Journey is so much more appropriate.

Night all!!!

Post-OP day #1

First off- thank you ALL SO MUCH for all of your wonderful words of encouragement and support through all this.  It was so wonderful to see my Droid’s notification light blink again and again. Clicking on each comment filled me with love and comfort. It is amazing how even a simple one line comment from a fellow blogger can melt the icicles that were starting to form.

Okay- so yesterday I KNEW that a result of zero sperm was a possibility but I(we) hoped that wouldn’t be the case. Obviously!! I mean who would hope for zero sperm- besides maybe the family of a serial killer! Anyways- I digress.

The King is currently taking a few minutes here and there to type up his expierence for you all- and for anyone that will be going through this. He found that reading the blogs of men (and women) describing what happened, and what they went through helped him a lot. I knew it would, and I tried to get him online weeks ago- but alas he never did. The NIGHT before the surgery at about 5pm he started asking me to find the blog posts and such. Sigh. Luckily you girls/guys ROCK and pulled through for me. Nothing like an SOS getting answered in the blog world within hours. 🙂

I don’t know if I can ever express how much you all help me- and are now helping my husband.

I will give you a run down of how things have been for me/us….

The BAU (Big Ass University) was a great place. I was out in the waiting area, and a nurse came out three times to update me that things were going good. He went back at 704am, and the doc came out at around 1030 or so.  The UroGod came out by himself to talk to me in a little room beside waiting room. I imagine they call this the “Quiet Room” or “Family Room”. In hindsite I realize it had a huge comfy oversized couch, fruit, sodas, etc. As a nurse with  ER/ICU experience, I should have seen the “Crisis” room a mile away. Dammit- I missed out on the free sodas, snacks and SOFA!!!! ARGH!!!

He told me basically what I said in the last post- that he didn’t find a single sperm, and that the tissue (testicular) was smooth and homogenous. He looked as long as he felt was safe, and took the biopsies. I don’t think the biospies were to try to find anymore sperm- he was pretty bleak about finding any in the biopsy- but it was basically so that they can look at the tissue and try to see what is going on- and what the tissue looks like. I didn’t think to ask if meds (clomid, testosterone, or voodoo) would help create sperm.  I was honestly trying my best to not freak the fuck out, and to act like a professional.

I teared up just a little, but nothing big- from being a critical care nurse, I am used to having to squash my feelings. I learned how to be cold, and put my mask on in the ER when coding a 3 month old with their parents near by. I learned how shove my feelings in a box until later, and be strictly clincal. I think I reverted to that when talking to the UroGod as a defense mechanism.  I was still the wife who knew her husband was going to be sad. My hopes of an IVF cycle/pregnancy this summer were out the window. I lost my breath for a few seconds- but I don’t think he noticed. I just couldn’t think to ask anything.


I still had to wait about 20 minutes before he was in the post op room. That was when I finished the post yesterday (I had actually started it earlier in the morning)- I was caught between “I have to see humor in this” and “OHMYFUCKINGCRAPAHHHHH”. That is why that post is a little weird. I had to find the funny and ground myself or I would have been a pile of sobs and tears in the OR waiting area.

The King said that he could tell by the look on my face when I walked in the door that the UroGod didn’t find anything. I feel bad about that- b/c I tried really hard to not look sad or upset. My sweetie just knows me too well.  This first things my sweet husband said was “I am so so sorry”.  😦  It just breaks my heart for him. We hugged and kissed, and I tried to remember what the UroGod said.  We teared up and just held each other…..and he looked in my eyes and said “you never want for anything- you don’t want a fancy house, or jewelry, or cars….you’re one hearts desire and want is to have a child- and I can’t give you the one thing you’ve ever asked of me. I am so sorry”.

That is what broke my heart. 

He is writing up a post…so I am going to stop right here as far as his feelings….I will let him share more of that.

In the recovery area we had heavy hearts- but I was determined to make him smile despite it all. 🙂  We did find laughter, and that helped to ground us both. We are alive, and healthy, and we have each other. This is NOT the end of the road. Our Journey is not done–it just got MORE BUMPY. (HA HA, plug for my blog name!!) We have had so many damn curveballs I do believe the ball is about to go full circle and hit us square in the face. :/

The UroGod wrote us for Roxycodone syrup (The King has trouble swollowing pills)…and we had to drive all over creation and find a COMPOUNDING pharmacy that had it. Gah. I also got him so docuasate liquid…which btw is NAAAASTY. I don’t want his getting constipated from the narcotics, and then have to strain and pop a nut out.

****I remember reading a blog post from one of my friends that her husband had this procedure done, and then they had sex and he really did pop a nut out….I can’t find that post ANYWHERE though! Who was that??!? I can’t remember now!!***

We napped a little yesterday and had a mini-breakdown together….but we are good. He is good. I am good. I have not had a big breakdown- but I imagine it will happen when I am alone. I HAVE to do it before next weekend. If these weren’t my two bestest friends I would not be going. I have to- we are staying at The Campers house this weekend. I won’t lie and say it sucks to see her big round baby belly….but I love her- so that makes it hurt less.

Now the current crisis is that they didn’t clear his monday schedule- and they have him seeing 30 patients, 8 EMGs, AND being on call. Not cool. His nurse is trying to reschedule them, but there really isn’t anywhere to move them too. This friday is our psuedo WTF appointment(I say psuedo b/c most people have WTF appts AFTER a busted cycle….but I still feel like it is a WTF..), and he was going to come up the night before, go to it (it is at 8am)- then drive home. 4.5 hours away b/c he is on call next weekend.

AHHHHHH….all his June days are booked up b/c his partner is going out-of-town for two weeks…our Anniversary is the 9th- but I don’t think we are going to get to do anything this year. We planned on a vacay late June- but don’t know HOW that is going to happen now.

I think I am going to surprise him for his b’day with a super nice vacay. His b’day is July 13th. I am thinking Bermuda, or Bahamas. Lots of stars. Luxury. 🙂 Make up for all this SHIT.

He is currently snoring his head off from all the drugs.

Thanks again for all your loooooove. It is wonderful. The King was uberly impressed with all the comments and totally astounded that so many people care. I have told him about my blog, and about the IF community but I don’t think that he ‘got it’ until the last two days.

Thank you.

Thank You!!!


You girls and husbands ROCK!!!!

I will post more later, I hate tapping out posts on my Droid.
The King is currently getting prepped

Okay…how cool is the “bear paws” gown?

*745am…they have him intubated and surgery has started!!!!! AAAAHHH!!!!!